To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

this is just the one time I feel he should be putting more effort in….

You want him to make an effort for an entirely imaginary proposal you unilaterally pre-planned to happen on birthday?!

I get it. I’m a planner, my partner is.. not. I don’t expect him to change. He usually manages to pull something out of a bag for my birthday and weekends away but everything is done literally the night before. Which I grew used to. But your situation is entirely different because there is zero indication that he was even planning to propose on this occasion so I am not sure how you can expect him to plan something he doesn’t even know he is supposed to be planning.

I normally don’t mind this at all, I’d say I’m more of a control freak and enjoy planning things so it usually works for us, this is just the one time I feel he should be putting more effort in…

this is the problem. You want him to be someone else when it suits you, but that other person (the one with ideas and opinions about what you do that wouldn’t always suit you and you’d have to fit round !) isn’t someone you’d want to marry.

He pays a cleaner because he is incapable of cleaning a bathroom properly. You think this is sweet??

You're taking him away for your birthday, you realise this don't you? He can't be arsed basically, to do anything other than throw money at a problem. Birthday? Here's half, you sort it. Take responsiblity for my half of the household chores? Here's a cleaner, they can do it.

Nowhere can I see any indication that he gives a shit.

Unless you want a life time of disappointment, which ramps up when kids land and becomes intolerable, don't walk down the aisle to him, even if you can cajole him into bothering his arse to propose. You can do better. You really should, or you'll regret it.

But you hardly see him?

He is choosing to spend his time personally on the business instead of delegating or being more organised so he can be with you. What's the point of the relationship?

Love isn't a feeling, or words, it's actions, partnership and a way of life.

Getting a cleaner because he wants someone else to clean up his own piss isn't sweet.

Also remember, you are a planner, you have planned that this weekend will be the most suitable one for him to ask you to marry you. You have planned that your perfect proposal will include a ring already bought. He is expected to know this is your plan.

he could be planning to just wait for what feels like the perfect moment and then ask you, he’s not making anything happen to create the perfect moment.

He could well know that as you are a planner and a self confessed control freak, you will have strong ideas about exactly what sort of ring you should have and so he plans to take you ring shopping after he’s proposed.

YANBU

I would not be marrying a man like this, sorry.

You've both already agreed that you want to get married, so why do you need a proposal? That ship has sailed, just plan the wedding!

That's not sweet and it's sad that you think it is.

Since when did we have to submit requests for effort from our significant others? Surely "putting in effort" is the default? Why oh why is the bar so low??

Such a generous man letting you organise everything, I’m sure he’ll let you do all the nappy changes/night feeds/childcare etc too 😏

I think the OP already has a child? Not sure.

Edit, no, my mistake. Which is good, at least there isn’t another level to consider.

This is him, he's not a planner and he's never going to be, you can't change him. So if that doesn't work for you it's better not to get engaged just yet anyway. And if you are fine with him being him you no he loves you and wants to get married, then propose to him.

The OP says ‘no children’. Unless you mean the man child who is her partner?

My fiancé proposed in December after 7 years together, I mentioned it all the time and felt I was repeating myself and winding myself up. He booked a holiday to somewhere very special to us both and proposed on the second day. He had planned this for 12 months in advance although didn't decide where he was actually going to propose until the day he did it.

This man is the most unorganised man I've ever met, sounds the same as your DP, I organise absolutely everything so to know how much planning went in shocked me!

I hope this is the same for you and gives you some comfort x

He sounds like a nice hardworking man. Just say to him shall we go and look at some engagement rings while we are away. It is 2024 not 1924…

Why are you paying half to go away for your own bday to be proposed to? To a man that you say brings in way more money than you? And expects you to do all the planning for the privilege?! I would be concerned about that. I would seriously be considering if this is the life you want forever, you doing absolutely everything to keep the family ticking over at home. And paying half for the privilege.

You’ve constructed the birthday proposal idea, he has no idea you think he should be doing this.

You’ve already discussed getting married. As a PP says, just suggest you buy the ring together. The “will you marry me” bit is already settled.

If he doesn't propose to you will you never get married?

If you really wanted to marry him, I think you would you have started planning the wedding as soon as you agreed to marry each other, so maybe you're at least subconsciously aware of the red flags others have pointed out to you.

I really don’t want to go into all the aspects of how we run our lives, just the proposal and effort. We’ve discussed multiple times being engaged by the time of my birthday, he knows ring styles I like as we were having a nosey when I bought my dad a watch for his birthday last year. He knows I want a proposal - not a big spectacle but something private and thoughtful. If I was being told I was ungrateful for wanting that I could understand, but just feel my relationship is being picked apart. I understand the comments, but generally we work together really well

Yes I was wondering this. He doesn't do as much around the house as you do, because he works so much, but it's ok because he brings in more money...But you're going halves on your own birthday trip?

And it isn't 'sweet' that he pays for a cleaner to cover his share of the house-cleaning duties. (because he works more and earns more)

I don't think this man is as marvellous as you think, tbh, and I wouldn't be itching for a proposal.

Maybe I've missed something, but what makes you think DP is planning to propose over your birthday week? Maybe he won't think of proposing at all. Maybe he thinks that indicating that he wants the wedding to happen will be enough to make it happen. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

I would talk to him about this problem trying to find a compromise ( but not expecting magic change 🙂) but also I would remind myself more often about his other good qualities.
I absolutely feel your pain, it’s the sort of thing my DH is not good with too. I can imagine him helping to prepare everything but not organizing a surprise party or something similar. I do feel upset from time to time but try to look at bigger picture and remind myself that I’m not perfect either and we have different strengths and weaknesses.

He sounds like a good man OP. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

I guess you need to have an honest open discussion about your desire to get engaged and for him to plan it properly. Even if it doesn't happen on this weekend.

My absolute 'couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery' level chaotic husband put together a photo-book and took me for a walk on a beautiful frosty Christmas morning to propose with a lovely ring at my parents farm, a place I love...... one big drawback was he had got drunk and accidentally told me this exact plan a few weeks before so all surprises were off 😅

Sorry OP but he just doesn’t sound like the kind of man who is going to have the time or mindset to create the kind of proposal you want, you could wait forever. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry you, but some men just are not the type to do the whole proposal thing. Some people find planning ahead very hard. O

I see a few commenters saying that there may be wider compatibility issues, I don’t know about that but it is worth considering. Could it be that he isn’t really ready to make the changes he would need to make to be the husband and/or potentially parent you hope he could be? Worth talking about. It sounds like he has so much work stress there is not room for much else…if so is he aware of how that could be a problem and affect you both?