To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

Gosh, this thread has taken a really bitter and aggressive tone towards the OP. Concern & trepidation is one thing, but calling her pathetic and a sex toy and pampered princess is really not in the spirit of Mumsnet imho. I rarely do this, but am reporting thread to MNHQ so they can have a read through as some of these posts I think are just plain mean spirited.

I agree. The level of projection is Olympic style!!

It’s not bad if that’s what you want. But I genuinely don’t understand why. You are living together, you are in a committed relationship, you have talked about getting married. Why is him proposing such a big thing? Why not agree to do so, and get on with planning it?

He sounds like a catch. A disorganised workaholic who leaves everything to you.

The OP has mentioned nothing about their sex life and someone called her a sex toy? That's disgusting. The misogyny on here sometimes is shocking.

If the roles were reversed no one would say the woman regards the man as just a sex toy.

OP congratulations! It sounds like a lovely trip and I hope you have a long and happy marriage. 🌷

From reading your update it sounds like you need to take a step back! It's good practice to not need to have control over everything, it sounds exhausting for you and stifling for everyone else. Do you really want his proposal memories to be about how much you nagged and how pressured he felt?

It sounds like you already do resent him (a bit, sorry).

You remind me of my mum, she had to do everything and organize everything and book everything for my father. After 50 years of wedded bliss, she hates him now for it. He can't do anything for himself and my mother hates how useless he is. Is this thy type of man you want to end up with?

This jumped out at me aswell. He has no intention of putting any of his own effort in. He will just delegate to you and when you moan you’re doing it alone he will try to placate you in another way- still avoiding putting effort in.

My husband is similar to this. I accept that’s who he is and that’s what our marriage is, aswell as the other good parts. It does breed some resentment when we are both busy. Fortunately it doesn’t often come to a head because we have a lifestyle that allows me the time to do the rest. I am sure when/if that changes it will be stressful. And the truth is that it does become a more transactional marriage. I can see the seeds being sown now in your posts - his earnings justify his lack of effort. My DH will put the effort in if I call him out on one particular thing, but I think fundamentally he is lazy. Think carefully about what you want from your future. If he isn’t really generous with money this will never ever work without you being financially abused I suspect.

OP, Please take NO NOTICE of this horrible thread. Honestly, the replies you've had are disgusting.

Remember, any thread with 'proposal' in the title will bring out the usual embittered women. People who are hell bent on projecting their own complexes onto you - this kind of 'pile on' is never helpful. They are all projecting about the useless men 'THEY have had in THEIR lives - they don't know you or your partner and are in NO POSITION to tell you to walk away or what type of life you will have. Ffs! People use AIBU as some kind of weird projection therapy.

Anyway, you know him best and you know yourself. Delete this useless thread and go away and enjoy your weekend. Best wishes..

It's good that you talked to him about the proposal and that he didn't look startled flustered or caught out which would have shown he's forgotten or isn't bothered. So he does at least have a plan.

However, he is who he is OP: if you can manage some of the frustrations with good humour and love it will take some of the sting out of it but I would also be mindful that you already find it very burdensome and you do need to be realistic about how much more you can cope with and for how long. If you choose to have kids it will be even worse and can create deep gnawing resentment and loss of attraction. Whilst he was able to pay for a cleaner to cover his share of the housework which was great, not everything can be outsourced in that way. It is very hard to manage family life with a partner who can't or won't engage with the donkey work.

I'm not sure about a pile on, I think that people have their own interpretations of a situation and that's natural. Setting a deadline, going in sideways via the mention of a manicure, and then being delighted that he'd "not forgotten" to propose at the expensive birthday celebration weekend that you've fully organised and paid half of despite his far higher earnings is a bit of a weird one for some people.

You'd surely expect him not to have forgotten, you're referencing commiting to you as a life partner and signing a binding contract, not worming the cat.

You weren't put on this earth to wait to be chosen by a man. It's a big concept to grasp, it's drummed into us from birth that this is the case, but it's not your life's purpose. You want to be marrying someone because you're far better with them than without them and they're an enthusiastic participant who's equally driving it. Not someone who hasn't forgotten to propose.

Seriously? You actually think it’s good that a man hasn’t forgotten that he’s planning to marry the woman he’s been in a relationship with for seven years?

Gosh. Didn't expect 'sex toy' to upset anyone! I'd probably write 'bedmate' out in the world, but MN tends towards the direct, and 'sex toy' is normal phrasing on here. Those offended by it, please substitute 'bedmate' instead. It doesn't change the meaning of the sentence or the point I was making in the slightest.

It is very hard to manage family life with a partner who can't or won't engage with the donkey work.

Well put.

I’m another saying it’s poor form to pay a cleaner to do the bathroom - cleaning too good for him, so he pays another (most likely woman) to do it? My husband’s a bit like this and the resentment is really strong at times and has undoubtedly damaged our relationship - even though my husband takes responsibility for a lot more “lifemin” than your partner.

Several on this thread have warned you about the enormous extra pressure and “loss of bandwidth” having children brings. The amount of admin and mental load you have energy to absorb after children decreases sharply, believe me.

We’re not saying it for the good of our health - it’s because it’s true.

Take heed.

aside from not understanding why you want to marry this disorganised lazy man, what is stopping you from proposing?

but honestly? he sounds like a waste of space. Bin him off and find someone better.

Oh, don’t be silly. This isn’t a pile on, it’s a constructive warning. Look how much ‘work’ and mental energy the OP has already put into arranging for her partner to propose to her, because she is planning to link her life someone who is a natural at weaponised incompetence.

There's a lot of sensible advice and thinking on here from women who have had long marriages and understand the ups and downs of the realities of living with someone for many years.

I'm a happy old soul, not at all embittered and have been married for 35 years. I understand how hard life is (job losses, hard work, family, death, illness, money trouble, Covid lockdowns!) even with a person who is your equal and pulls their weight. Life throws stuff at you and you need to be a team to work through it.

If the OP feels that her fella is that man...then good for her....but I don't hear her saying that...she wants something he's not giving and that will only amplify over time.

Exactly!

If you know a proposal is coming there is no surprise anyway. Plus the expectations of it being insta-worthy too.

What's the point?

Do this. It's the 21st century, you're not one of the Bennet girls.

Can you have a proper chat with him where you explain why the planning and gestures are important to you, and give examples of how it would look?
I get that he's busy at work, but if this is a constant thing rather than a particularly unusual few weeks/months, then it's a question of if you're aligned on the lives you both want.

Personally, I would be ok with needing to spell out that I wanted a planned proposal with some special touches. I'd be ok with being the one in the couple who overall organises more of our holidays/dates, as long as my partner made an effort too. But I wouldn't be ok with needing to ask for everything, every time, or with them never even trying. The example of sorting out a cleaner is fine, but do you also have examples of him actually putting in effort and work so you get what you want, not just outsourcing? If you need the gestures and the effort, you need to be with someone who will offer that

You are being ridiculous.

You are projecting too,

I haven't got a useless man and I've been married for 40+ years and thank the lord all this performance proposing wasn't a Thing back then.

Everyone can do what they please, but if people are going to post on a public forum they are going to get responses based on what they've written. So that's what's happened here.

Posters have pointed out potential pitfalls in the relationship. The OP can thing about those or not.

But for me, discussing marriage and agreeing it will happen and then PLANNING for the proposal to the extent of getting a manicure (presumably for SM) is bonkers and nothing to do with romance.

Just read your update and saw your other examples! He sounds like someone who is good at doing specific practical things where the parameters are clear (make coffee, sort through a house) but can struggle when he needs to use imagination and come up with a gesture (buy a thoughtful gift, plan a proposal). That's common for loads of lovely, sweet men I know and is a world away from the type of men/people who don't lift a finger

Yes. If I were generally disorganised and working those kinds of hours, I would probably struggle to remember my own name let alone anything else.