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Original poster

To uninvite family after sending save the date?

175 replies

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 12:54

I used to be super close to my Aunt. We sent save the dates ages ago (think we got really overexcited 🙄) and invited my Aunt and Uncle as I really wanted her there. We then felt obligated to invite my cousins, my Nan and my other Aunt & Uncle. Since sending save the dates our circumstances have changed. We've had to change the venue which means substantially cutting down on day guests, we've also had a lot of change personally which means we don't want to be spending as much on a wedding. I haven't seen my Aunt in ages and any time I try to reach out I barely get anything back. I also rarely speak to the rest of the extended family. Would we BU to say that due to a change of circumstances unfortunately they are no longer invited?

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 13:01

Yes you would.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 13:02

How long ago did you send the save the date?

MaybeImbad · 01/10/2024 13:02

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it but I would apologise profusely as yes, it’s really rude and you should have considered these things in the first place.

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 13:02

Forgot to put in my OP. There have been several big family parties over the last few months and my sister, parents and I have not been invited to a single one which is why I'm thinking I just don't want to invite them to our wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 13:04

Oh gosh I can't actually remember when we sent the save the date. I think it was well over a year ago now. We weren't expecting to have to change the venue nor have any of the other things that have changed our circumstances tbh.

OP posts:
Aysegull · 01/10/2024 13:05

You can but you can also expect them to not be happy at being uninvited.

FeliciteFaff · 01/10/2024 13:05

Just say the wedding is cancelled. Then have the wedding and send an announcement that you eloped. Hate lying but stuff like this becomes hard to manage.

afrikat · 01/10/2024 13:06

Well yes it's rude but if you literally never see them so what?

Notreat · 01/10/2024 13:07

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 13:02

Forgot to put in my OP. There have been several big family parties over the last few months and my sister, parents and I have not been invited to a single one which is why I'm thinking I just don't want to invite them to our wedding.

The problem is you have already invited them by sending them a save the date.
If your circumstances have changed and now you are having a much smaller event than originally planned then you need to apologise and tell them now. But you can't just uninvite them because you have charged your mind.

Notreat · 01/10/2024 13:09

FeliciteFaff · 01/10/2024 13:05

Just say the wedding is cancelled. Then have the wedding and send an announcement that you eloped. Hate lying but stuff like this becomes hard to manage.

Surely that will just make things more difficult. They are family and will know she hadn't eloped

Olika · 01/10/2024 13:09

Considering they haven't invited you and your family to any of the gatherings recently, I wouldn't overthink it but just send wedding invitations to those you want/can have present. It's not an ideal situation but you have to do what you have to do in your changed circumstances.

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2024 13:11

Can you demote cousins to evening only?

PixiePirate · 01/10/2024 13:13

Meh, I’d just not send them an actual invitation under your circumstances I think. As long as your mum or any other close relatives won't have to field any difficult update requests on your behalf. It may be the nail in the coffin for your relationship with the wider family though, but it doesn’t sound like any of you will be too worried. I definitely wouldn’t explain to them that they’re not invited unless they ask.

Gonk123 · 01/10/2024 13:15

If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it. Just be honest, apologise and to be honest if you do t really see each other anymore and are being excluded, what have you lost. Can you speak to your immediate family to get their take on things?
By the way, there is nothing rude about being unable to afford things that you once could. Please ignore those comments.

SpiggingBelgium · 01/10/2024 13:21

If you’ve only sent them the save the date, then yes, I think you can say “Unfortunately our circumstances have changed and we are having a much smaller wedding than planned. We hope you understand”.

It would be silly to get into debt by spending money you don’t have to invite people you don’t really want there, just because you said to them last year “Keep 17 July 2025 free!”.

HairyToity · 01/10/2024 13:22

If you've sent save the dates, you have to invite the guests...!

I personally never sent save the dates to allow some flexibility and I figured those closest to me will already have been told the date.

SJM1988 · 01/10/2024 13:25

It is very rude but if your circumstances have changed and you are downsizing the wedding, just tell them that.

They will think it is because you went invited to the other family events though so be prepared for that.

Week01 · 01/10/2024 13:26

You've technically already invited them. And yes it's rude. So if you're happy for no future contact go for it.

Zanatdy · 01/10/2024 13:27

Well you can, but let them know why, much smaller wedding now.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/10/2024 13:27

I think best option is to just not send them an actual invite but the risk is they reach out closer to the wedding asking for details which will be awkward.

Given they can be bothered to keep in contact with you I would wager that they wouldn't reach out especially given the save the date was sent out ages ago.

Be prepared to fall out with them if you follow their approach and there's a chance they may reach out which will lead to an awkward conversation or find out after the wedding and be upset. Either way you don't seem to have a relay them so I wouldn't be bothered about falling out.

WomenInConstruction · 01/10/2024 13:29

Since the save the date was sooooo long ago it would be ok I think, circumstances have changed.
They're not going to be heartbroken since they aren't close and don't extend every invitation to you and yours... So provided you do it respectful and don't embarrass them by making it plain they are surplus to requirements in a rude way, then I don't think they'll lose any sleep over it

I'd be tempted to send a card, explaining you'd love to have them there as they are part of your wider family (subtlety, and in a positive way, saying they aren't your inner circle) but you've been forced to trim the guest list and some hard decisions have had to be made. Send them love and hope to see them at xyz

sundayagainagain · 01/10/2024 13:29

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 13:02

Forgot to put in my OP. There have been several big family parties over the last few months and my sister, parents and I have not been invited to a single one which is why I'm thinking I just don't want to invite them to our wedding.

I wouldn’t either.

And chances are they wouldn’t come to your wedding anyway, if you and your family is not invited to family parties.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 13:32

Can someone please explain the Save the Date thing as they weren't around when I got married

Surely you just wait till you've booked the venue and you just send out the invitations?

Save the Date implies that you expect people to hang about till you've made your mind up

Smartphonesarerubbish · 01/10/2024 13:33

I still feel bad about a couple of people I didn’t invite at all to my wedding 10 years later. I promise you’ll regret uninviting them for years to come.

biglipslittlehips · 01/10/2024 13:34

FeliciteFaff · 01/10/2024 13:05

Just say the wedding is cancelled. Then have the wedding and send an announcement that you eloped. Hate lying but stuff like this becomes hard to manage.

Don't have to go this far. Just send out a note saying 'we have had a massive change of plans and are no longer having a big wedding do releasing the save the date!

That's it. No explanations. It sound very general and not at all personal to them. It sounds like you simply changed your plans. Which is what's happened.