To uninvite family after sending save the date?

[CranberryHedgehog]

I used to be super close to my Aunt. We sent save the dates ages ago (think we got really overexcited 🙄) and invited my Aunt and Uncle as I really wanted her there. We then felt obligated to invite my cousins, my Nan and my other Aunt & Uncle. Since sending save the dates our circumstances have changed. We've had to change the venue which means substantially cutting down on day guests, we've also had a lot of change personally which means we don't want to be spending as much on a wedding. I haven't seen my Aunt in ages and any time I try to reach out I barely get anything back. I also rarely speak to the rest of the extended family. Would we BU to say that due to a change of circumstances unfortunately they are no longer invited?

This is a tricky one. Make sure you know in your own mind why you want to tell them they are no longer invited. Is it because of budget? Venue / size/ circumstances change? The change in your relationship that you no longer like them/ care if they are part of your day? Then decide what you'll tell them and stick to that. Hearing about budget issues/ that you've had to rethink the size / numbers for the day due to cost is easier to accept than being told you feel your relationship is no longer important. Id understand if someone wanted to save money. Other things to consider, just invite aunt/ uncle (not cousins) , or invite only to evening reception. If it's very soon you need to consider they may have already bought gift, bought outfit etc .

This is a difficult one as technically, they haven't even said they are coming but if you un invite them it gives them a reason to have an issue with you even if they had no intention of actually attending.
BTW when is the wedding? if its soon then yes its a bit rude if they have saves the date and your telling them this las minute.

This is madness. You’d change your venue, as well as holding your wedding on a day that will be inconvenient for many of your guests, to avoid being rude to relatives who can’t even be arsed to invite you to a party?

The amount of posters who have never got over or let friendships be ruined because wedding plans have changed is bonkers!

We (my mother and I) were sent a save the date for my cousin’s wedding. We were a bit surprised because we hadn’t seen her since a family funeral and didn’t even exchange Christmas cards. It was in a rural village and we had several conversations working out whether we would go - we decided no as it was a complicated trip for someone we hadn’t seen in years.

A few months later we had heard nothing and realised we hadn’t been invited after all. We thought this very funny and we’re quite convinced that it was some sort of power play on my aunt’s part. She has form for trying to stir things. We never mentioned it to anyone, but weren’t bothered in the slightest!

So being sent a save the date but not an invitation does happen. I’d go for evening invite only if you don’t want them at the actual ceremony/meal.

When is the actual wedding and have you significantly changed the arrangements [as yet] with the venue on headcount and meal etc? Cancelling an invite [of sorts] with only 6 weeks to go is very late. Different if its next Spring?

You could do that dreadful thing of inviting them to the service and the afters leaving them to fend for themselves for dinner but your name would be mud.

Unless you have demonstrably reduced numbers [as opposed to just excluding them] then this is going to backfire on you.

Either way, it's a save the date. It's not a contract. You could just as easily be cancelling a wedding for other reasons. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it and that's a perfectly reasonable position to be in. Try not to let their treatment of your family cloud your thinking to the point that you are only excluding them unless you really don't care if you lose permanent contact with them. I'd certainly cull the cousins though unless they are personal friends.

yup I hate the bloody things

I'll try to answer a few questions here. My DM doesn't have any contact with them. Tbh I don't really know what happened between them but she hasn't seen her Mum or siblings in years. I assume the no contact (for whatever reason) is why she's not invited and actually thinking about it, my sister had a falling out with some of them so that's why she's not invited. I'm not sure why I'm not invited though, maybe it's just an extension of other relationships falling apart

Re save the date we did have a venue which we'd booked and paid the deposit, but unfortunately they had to cancel for unforeseen circumstances so we were forced to look elsewhere. Our original venue was lovely and it was affordable, our only other affordable option was a much smaller ceremony room so we've had to cut numbers for at the very least the day time. Also the save the date had the date and the venue, but no time specifics. The new venue is in the county and on the same date. There was no mention of day or evening on the save the date though. And yes as others have said, in hindsight we shouldn't have bothered with save the dates and just done invites nearer the time. Wedding is in 4 months so not just 6-8 weeks ago but I appreciate it's still pretty soon.

If we were to cut family, it would be all of the extended family. I could never just single out an individual to invite as I think that would be awful. I'm absolutely not 100% decided as some people have suggested which is why I asked here. I'm still very much mulling over finances, relationships moving forward etc.

I was uninvited from a wedding years ago because the bride (who was a colleage) got ahead of herself and invited loads of people before even doing a proper wedding budget, and it ended up being a backyard wedding. I harboured no resentment, these things happen. I hope there is understanding from your wider family.

I would let them know that the original venue has become unavaliable and that has changed the scale of the wedding.

A Save the Date is an early, full-event invitation for people you want there to ensure their diaries don't fill up before you can issue the full invitations with details like timings. I didn't do them as a card, but did contact family who had to book travel arrangements before the church dealt with precise timings as they could hold multiple weddings each day.

Sometimes changes of circumstances are unavoidable if planning over 1-2 years, but most people would be expecting an invitation a couple of months before the wedding if they have recieved a Save the Date. The sooner you let them know the better.

If the relationship has deteriorated, it's better that they can place as little blame on you as possible.

It is harder to get good prices on venues at shorter notice (partly why weddings get booked further in advance and STDs became more popular so it is an understandable circumstance to adjust the guest list.

Or just send an evening invitation.

Correct. Don't apologize either. Just state the facts, the above is perfect, as is another one a PP wrote.

Short and sweet, no apologies, and don't let the fearmongers get under your skin. You don't owe anyone anything, "save the date" be damned.

I agree! Plus, it changes the "save the date" which is what is getting people's froth up to start.

OP--Don't give any reason except the plans or circumstances have changed. No apologies as that just give ammunition to make you feel guilty or bad. Release the "save the date" ask and go on with your life.

It is NOT rude that your circumstances have changed, the venue has been changed, and you need to have a smaller wedding. Life isn't perfect, nor are the people living it. People who love you will understand. The people who do not love you, you shouldn't care if they get it or not.

How does that work in reality? She has changed the venue and this the size of the wedding but still has to invite everyone so she HAS to get into debt to make sure she can still have everyone she promised, even if it means the wedding breakfast is ham sandwiches and she gets married in her jeans and t-shirt?

I one had a save the date from a friend who I had been reasonably close to when she got engaged, but then she moved in with her boyfriend, dropped her activities ( where I would see her) and I didn’t see her at all any more for months. The wedding date approached and I had no invite. I asked a mutual friend about 2 weeks before, who very embarrassedly told me that the invites had gone out weeks before, and I clearly wasn’t invited to the main event , but had been relegated to a later event.

didn’t bother me! I saved a lot of hassle and cash and, unbeknownst to me at the time, I actually met my future DH at a social event on the same day I was supposed to be hundreds of miles away at this wedding!

i would own up, be straight and say ‘ we have had to cut back on numbers due to changed circumstance, am sure that you will understand. Happy to have a later catch up ‘ etc etc. You might get fall out, but you have at least been reasonable and up front.

Wasn't a thing in my day either @Nanny0gg but DD (who is getting married next year) has explained that one of her bridesmaids, and several other friends, are teachers so she has specifically arranged the wedding for school holidays and is hoping a 'save the date' will enable them to factor it into their plans. And another bridesmaid lives and works abroad at the moment so DD wanted to give her as much notice as possible.

Does that help?

Why? These are people that are NC with the OPs mother and don’t bother to include the op or her immediate family in family occasions. If I’m not good enough to be counted as family in every day occasions and events why would I bother inviting them to my wedding. The fact that they don’t speak to the brides mother would be enough for me not to bother inviting them.

The best piece of advice I read when planning my wedding op was - think about who will be in your life in 10 years time and invite those people.

I sent save the date cards when I got married 30 yrs ago so not just a recent thing. Sent them to everyone I was going to officially invite but really only cared that the key group of people, those I would have been upset if they missed celebrating our marriage with us, didn’t book holidays or make other major plans on the date. Holidays tend to get booked months or a year ahead so just getting an invitation a couple of months before would be too short notice for many folks. Other folks I hoped would come but I wouldn’t have been offended if they didn’t save the date and made other plans and declined the official invitation

Since the save the dates had the old venue but no timings then I'd invite the relatives you want to cut down on to the evening do only (presuming this costs you little/nothing, I'd reduce things like evening food etc if you are tight on budget and do pay bar). When you do full invites you can say "as you may know, we have had to change venue and therefore reduce the size of the wedding" Then you are not snubbing them but if they choose not to come then so be it.

Just invite them to the evening celebrations. In future though don't send anything you are unsure of.

As suggested above I'd invite the extended family just to the evening do. Were you planning on having ceremony, formal dinner and evening party?

Thanks all. To answer the last question (apologies if I've missed any questions) plan is to have ceremony, food for the people who came to the ceremony which will just be immediate family and bridal + groomsmen party, and then evening party with extra people where we're having burgers and a DJ.

I'd send a message to the uninvited to say something like:
We are very sorry but due to circumstances beyond our control, we were forced to cancel our wedding. It will now go ahead on a much smaller scale and I hope you will understand that we are now only able to invite very close family.
Please feel free to still send us an expensive gift or lots of cash.
(Only kidding with the last sentence).

Can you phone her and see if they want to come. And then explain everyone has been bumped to the evening only (bar the top table) so they know it's not just them or some kind of tit for tat thing as your family wasn't invited to their events. If you send an invite they may think that.

And on the phone call invite them to the evening do verbally following up with an invite with a date on it for replies. I doubt they will reply.

How many people are you inviting to the day now?