Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite family after sending save the date?

175 replies

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 12:54

I used to be super close to my Aunt. We sent save the dates ages ago (think we got really overexcited 🙄) and invited my Aunt and Uncle as I really wanted her there. We then felt obligated to invite my cousins, my Nan and my other Aunt & Uncle. Since sending save the dates our circumstances have changed. We've had to change the venue which means substantially cutting down on day guests, we've also had a lot of change personally which means we don't want to be spending as much on a wedding. I haven't seen my Aunt in ages and any time I try to reach out I barely get anything back. I also rarely speak to the rest of the extended family. Would we BU to say that due to a change of circumstances unfortunately they are no longer invited?

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 01/10/2024 13:36

So what’s the worse that can happen, they don’t talk to you or invite you to family events, o wait…they already don’t anyway!

Two options

1 send a cancel the save the date, circumstances have changed and you will be sending out new details at some point, or

2 just don’t invite them. If they ask, which would be pretty rude, either don’t engage of be blasé and say you had to cut numbers down so had a small intimate close family gathering.

Id do 2.

CanyonMoon · 01/10/2024 13:47

You surely wouldn’t just not tell them? That sounds really rude; if you asked them to save the date then presumably they are saving the date and the least you owe them is to let them know they no longer need to keep it in their diary.

Why not use it as a way of re-connecting; let them know there’s been a change of plan but would they like to come to yours the month after the wedding for lunch/dinner/the weekend or whatever?

Stewandsocks · 01/10/2024 13:47

Of course you can tell them that circumstances have changed and you won't be able to have the type of wedding you'd originally hoped to hold, and unfortunately you won't have capacity for all of the wider family after all. Just be apologetic - they might decide to be offended though.

Week01 · 01/10/2024 13:53

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 13:32

Can someone please explain the Save the Date thing as they weren't around when I got married

Surely you just wait till you've booked the venue and you just send out the invitations?

Save the Date implies that you expect people to hang about till you've made your mind up

No a save the date is to let people know of the date, and to hopefully keep it free. The invitation are a bit early to send, or specifics like meal choices aren't available yet so just the date needs securing for now.

CableCar · 01/10/2024 13:54

I personally wouldn't be offended if I got uninvited for that reason, providing that was the genuine reason. I wouldn't want to be lied to
Why don't you explain the change in circumstances, but arrange to get together for a post-wedding BBQ or something?

TakeMeDancing · 01/10/2024 13:55

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 13:32

Can someone please explain the Save the Date thing as they weren't around when I got married

Surely you just wait till you've booked the venue and you just send out the invitations?

Save the Date implies that you expect people to hang about till you've made your mind up

Save the Date means, “You’re invited to our wedding. It’s on x day, but the exact timings aren’t set in stone yet. Block out your diary for that day, because you are 100% receiving an invitation nearer to the date.”

Ulness you’re OP, in which case, Save the Date doesn’t really mean Save the Date.

TakeMeDancing · 01/10/2024 13:58

I’m afraid there’s no way to politely do this. Any way you try to present it, the message is, “We’ve reconsidered, and you no longer make the cut. Sorry…you’re uninvited.”

Lemonadeand · 01/10/2024 13:59

Evening invitation, I think would be best.

Coconutter24 · 01/10/2024 14:02

FeliciteFaff · 01/10/2024 13:05

Just say the wedding is cancelled. Then have the wedding and send an announcement that you eloped. Hate lying but stuff like this becomes hard to manage.

Why complicate it? Why would they tell everyone they eloped if they haven’t. Are they going to put an NDA on the wedding 🤦‍♀️ to stop guests sharing pics or talking about it to other family members

NeedToChangeName · 01/10/2024 14:03

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/10/2024 13:27

I think best option is to just not send them an actual invite but the risk is they reach out closer to the wedding asking for details which will be awkward.

Given they can be bothered to keep in contact with you I would wager that they wouldn't reach out especially given the save the date was sent out ages ago.

Be prepared to fall out with them if you follow their approach and there's a chance they may reach out which will lead to an awkward conversation or find out after the wedding and be upset. Either way you don't seem to have a relay them so I wouldn't be bothered about falling out.

Disagree with this

If you've asked them to save the date, they may have done so

If you're going to backtrack, at least have the decency to tell them

I think it's rude, but have the impression you're going to do it anyway

Bournetilly · 01/10/2024 14:04

I think inviting them to the evening only would be a good idea. Some people do send out save the dates for evening only and it won’t look as rude as uninviting them.

DonutHole · 01/10/2024 14:04

If you do decide to uninvite them, you have to at least tell them asap as they may actually be saving the date and making plans around it. To just not send them an invite 6/8 weeks before the wedding would be very unfair.

Katielovesteatime · 01/10/2024 14:06

AliceMcK · 01/10/2024 13:36

So what’s the worse that can happen, they don’t talk to you or invite you to family events, o wait…they already don’t anyway!

Two options

1 send a cancel the save the date, circumstances have changed and you will be sending out new details at some point, or

2 just don’t invite them. If they ask, which would be pretty rude, either don’t engage of be blasé and say you had to cut numbers down so had a small intimate close family gathering.

Id do 2.

Same.

Telling them they're not invited would be really rude and cause unnecessary drama. Simply not sending them an invite is far easier.

LivelyBlake · 01/10/2024 14:07

I wouldn't do it. The wedding will forever be linked in your mind to a family fallout and possible some regrets on your side.

If I had to reduce the number of guests I'd consider changing the date and holding it on a weekday. Change the plans substantially.

4405cd · 01/10/2024 14:08

Week01 · 01/10/2024 13:26

You've technically already invited them. And yes it's rude. So if you're happy for no future contact go for it.

Agree Also its very awkward for whoever is the sibling of your Auntie.

sweetpickle2 · 01/10/2024 14:08

I've been actually invited to a wedding before (as in received an actual invite with date and venue and info etc) only to be uninvited when the bride and groom scaled back for various personal reasons. So long as you explain why, it's fine.

Boltonb · 01/10/2024 14:09

Yes, it’s spectacularly rude to send save the dates and then uninvite people. You Can do what you want, but you’ll need to accept the potential fallout.

I’d probably take the path of least resistance and send them evening invites. Presumably your save the dates just had the date, not a guarantee of a full day invite.

Snowdrops17 · 01/10/2024 14:09

I think I would be cutting friends before I cut family if I had to

midlifeattheoasis · 01/10/2024 14:10

YWBVU

Daschund · 01/10/2024 14:11

Have I got this wrong? You sent your grandmother a save the date and now you're booting her?

GivingitToGod · 01/10/2024 14:13

Notreat · 01/10/2024 13:09

Surely that will just make things more difficult. They are family and will know she hadn't eloped

Show quote history

This and lying is never good

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/10/2024 14:14

We did. We'd sent a save the date to DH's son and his (now ex thankfully) wife but didn't send an invitation due to her behaviour at between sending it and the actual invitations. I've no idea if there was any fallout, we've never spoken to her again. And before anyone says anything, DH and his son are fine and there's never been any issues from this.

Ponoka7 · 01/10/2024 14:14

You didn't have to invite your cousins. It could have just been your Aunt and Uncle, that's standard. I'd try to keep them as a day guest and shift your cousins to evening. Discuss this with the parent whose sister she is and possibly your Nan.

Sugarplummama · 01/10/2024 14:16

AliceMcK · 01/10/2024 13:36

So what’s the worse that can happen, they don’t talk to you or invite you to family events, o wait…they already don’t anyway!

Two options

1 send a cancel the save the date, circumstances have changed and you will be sending out new details at some point, or

2 just don’t invite them. If they ask, which would be pretty rude, either don’t engage of be blasé and say you had to cut numbers down so had a small intimate close family gathering.

Id do 2.

I’m judging you a bit for saying you’d do option 2.

First of all if someone sent me a save the date, I’d do just that expecting an invite to follow. It’s not rude to question if nearer the time of the wedding you have heard nothing.

Second it’s better to just be honest. If I were OP I would reach out to anyone who I can no longer accommodate, explain the situation with venues and apologise. If people have the hump that’s fine but at least OP has done the right thing with the situation that is

rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2024 14:17

I think id still keep the aunt and uncle in the daytime numbers but maybe cousins in the evening?
It's a bit rude to send a save the date and then ditch them! But then again, they haven't invited you to big parties. Good luck!