To uninvite family after sending save the date?

[CranberryHedgehog]

I used to be super close to my Aunt. We sent save the dates ages ago (think we got really overexcited 🙄) and invited my Aunt and Uncle as I really wanted her there. We then felt obligated to invite my cousins, my Nan and my other Aunt & Uncle. Since sending save the dates our circumstances have changed. We've had to change the venue which means substantially cutting down on day guests, we've also had a lot of change personally which means we don't want to be spending as much on a wedding. I haven't seen my Aunt in ages and any time I try to reach out I barely get anything back. I also rarely speak to the rest of the extended family. Would we BU to say that due to a change of circumstances unfortunately they are no longer invited?

No, you can't. It's really rude! I was uninvited from a wedding about 15 years ago (after receiving a 'save the date' from an enthusiastic bride, who had apparently sent one to everyone without assuming we would all think we were invited!). I still get cross when I think about it!

Are you happy for this to be the end of any relationship going forward?

If yes - go for it, cancel it - but you need to acknowledge any contact you have probably won't recover from such a snub.

Who are you uninviting? All of the extended family?

Just don't send them an actual invite to the wedding?

Oooo this was a dilemma on Help I Sexted my boss once!

According to William Hanson aka etiquette guru, a save the date is an invitation so as others have said, to un invite them now would be spectacularly rude.

How far off is the wedding now? I agree with the suggestion of just being frank that your circumstances are changed and you now can't have a big wedding BUT beware of photos getting around that might undermine this and also be aware they may be offended anyway....

Send them an evening only invite.
It looks a bit rude. But not as rude as just not inviting them.
tbh though, if they aren’t inviting to you to their parties, will they even take up the invitation?

I agree with others suggesting you send a brief card saying circumstances have changed so no big wedding.
It’s definitely not rude, it’s your wedding OP do what you want and invite who you like. Spending a fortune on a day to entertain and feed people you hardly know or see is bonkers.

My mum insisted I invite her mum, sister and Neices that I wasn't close to....

I felt I had to as mum was contributing £1000 to out very small wedding...

They didn't come.

This

I think it depends how many you're cutting down to now. If it's now just immediate family and a handful of closest friends (10 to 20 guests say), then it's fine. I'd just call everyone and explain why you've had to do this. If you can, share the personal circumstances (redundancy, buying house, illness whatever).

If you're still having 30+ guests, then I think it gets trickier to sell it as a small wedding... And you should be prepared for some people to be very offended. But if they don't respond to your attempts at contact or invite you to family events, does that matter?!

I'm sorry it's rude and reads as if you are just bitter due to not being Invited to there events

Yes you would have to. I was sent a save the date, then the invitation never arrived. I was annoyed as it would have been the time I'd go abroad on holiday. So yes you need to tell guests they've been uninvited.

Poor form to uninvite anyone. YABVU @CranberryHedgehog

I would ask your DM to have just a catchup chat with her sister, your Aunt.
Part of the general catchup could include that she is helping you, your wedding venue had to be changed, it’s caused lots of issues and stress for you…..and see where the conversation leads.

That may give the Aunt a free get-out if she isn’t keen to travel or isn’t fussed - she may volunteer her space…

And if not, then the conversation just moves on to other things.

Yes you would.

Well, you could do it, but it would be very very rude.

You absolutely need to explain. A friend sent save the date for my husband and I then sent the invite just for me. We had arranged over night baby sitting and it was a 2 hour drive each way. I declined and the friendship never recovered.

Ifs they haven’t invited you to anything in a year and you’re not getting much back from your messages, just go ahead and quietly have your wedding.

Do you know why your mum, sister and you aren't invited to family parties? Are these occasions organised by the same people or are you being excluded by several family members? Do you know what happened to cause it? Is your aunt an instigator? Surely those members who are excluding you will not be surprised by not being invited to the wedding anymore. Before you decide who to invite/uninvite, I would speak to your aunt about what's going on. You might find it easier to decide who you want at the wedding after a general conversation.

Yes, I agree with this. If the downsizing is actually just cutting them then they will be offended because they will feel that it's personal - and it is! But if it feels that the relationship is deteriorating anyway then this will hasten that, but not wreck a good relationship. I do think they should be told as soon as possible.

Why did you have to change the venue? If it's something like the original venue you had booked for that date burnt down and you can only find a smaller venue for the same date then fair enough.

But short of that, I'd say you need to follow through with your invites to these people. There isn't really any excuse.

Just as long as you’re certain you’re not keen on her as this is the sort of thing you can’t row back from. Says me who wasn’t invited to sisters wedding.

I know someone who had to uninvite about 10 guests as their original wedding venue went into liquidation so they had to find an alternative at short notice and it was smaller. They apologised profusely for the circumstances and all those affected completely understood and still came to the evening. I think if you sent the save the date that long ago then it’s understandable that things might have changed since then

Save your money for other things, weddings are such a waste of hard earned cash, spent largely on people who might not want to be there in the first place! Weddings are expensive for guests too!

Go away and elope with your closest family members. Most people would accept and understand that.

I know I am a grinch and a pain in the arse, but I would be happy to be uninvited from all weddings that are not my immediate family. I decline all those (I do give a gift though) anyway.