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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite family after sending save the date?

175 replies

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 12:54

I used to be super close to my Aunt. We sent save the dates ages ago (think we got really overexcited 🙄) and invited my Aunt and Uncle as I really wanted her there. We then felt obligated to invite my cousins, my Nan and my other Aunt & Uncle. Since sending save the dates our circumstances have changed. We've had to change the venue which means substantially cutting down on day guests, we've also had a lot of change personally which means we don't want to be spending as much on a wedding. I haven't seen my Aunt in ages and any time I try to reach out I barely get anything back. I also rarely speak to the rest of the extended family. Would we BU to say that due to a change of circumstances unfortunately they are no longer invited?

OP posts:
CoughedBulldozerNumber · 01/10/2024 23:48

A save the date IS an invitation, with specific details for venue and timings tba.

You of course have every right to do this but don't be surprised if the people downgraded like this never speak to you or acknowledge your existence again. Given how little you interact with them you may feel comfortable accepting this.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2024 07:09

Just send a message saying that, unfortunately the original wedding venue has been cancelled. We are looking at reducing our numbers to fit into a much smaller venue. Only immediate family will be invited, due to space. I regret to inform you, there is no need to save the date. Thank you.

WomenInConstruction · 02/10/2024 13:40

@Beautiful3 perfect! 👌👌👌

Newbie887 · 02/10/2024 17:22

So many people on here going on about how rude this would be…I feel like a lot of people take offence at the slightest thing. Let’s get some perspective here. A wedding is not the be all and end all of a friendship. Or it shouldn’t be 😳. You shouldn’t go into debt or make huge alterations to your day to people please people who are not your immediate family or your close friends.

I would actually love to be uninvited from a wedding of someone I wasn’t particularly close to 😂. It’s not like the bride and groom actually spend a meaningful amount of time with those tier of guests anyway, given how busy the day is.

At the risk of sounding rude…maybe people need to get over themselves more and realise other peoples milestone events aren’t actually about them?!?

Say things have changed, venue is going to be much smaller, just immediate family and best friends. Apologise a lot. Offer some dates where you can meet for a catch up because you would love to see them. Etc etc. If they still get the hump with you then they are the ones being unreasonable and causing drama where it doesn’t need to be had.

Bowies · 02/10/2024 17:46

Notreat · 01/10/2024 13:07

The problem is you have already invited them by sending them a save the date.
If your circumstances have changed and now you are having a much smaller event than originally planned then you need to apologise and tell them now. But you can't just uninvite them because you have charged your mind.

Show quote history

Agree and it’s not an ideal situation, but the best way forward.

Lying will make you feel crap and will be found out anyway.

HauntedPencil · 02/10/2024 18:03

Not great but I think your only course of action is to message and apologise as others have said and that you have had to have a much smaller wedding than planned due to a change of circs.i

AllyArty · 02/10/2024 18:29

Yes it would be unreasonable and you would never be allowed to forget it

Lillabet · 02/10/2024 18:29

I've been sent two save the dates over the past couple of years where we were not then invited to the wedding. The first was a family member who I was quite close to but she decided only the Aunts and Uncles were invited not the cousins; fair enough as there are a fair few of us but it stung a little. The other was a friend who got a bit over excited about planning her wedding and sent loads of save the dates out - I suspect when she actually looked at the costs for the original number of guests she had a small conniption and drastically reduced the numbers. We didn't make the cut, which didn't sting at all to be honest. Neither gave an explanation when the invite didn't come, it was never mentioned by either. The only reason I know about my cousin's reasoning is that my Mum told me. If you want to be honest with them, do so and let them know it is for reasons beyond your control but I don't see a Save the Date as an invite, more a notification that you might receive one.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/10/2024 18:37

Smartphonesarerubbish · 01/10/2024 13:33

I still feel bad about a couple of people I didn’t invite at all to my wedding 10 years later. I promise you’ll regret uninviting them for years to come.

Same, I feel OP wanted them there to be the bigger person and get the families together.
Best to apologise about funds and maybe invite them for a visit at a later date, like a bbq in the garden.

For me, it was a not so close friend and wish I'd said something about numbers but I just didn't say anything. When she found out, she distanced herself.

riceuten · 02/10/2024 18:42

You want to, and have just come here for validation, so I am not sure why otherwise you are asking

DisabledDemon · 02/10/2024 19:18

If they care about you, would they want to bankrupt yourselves just to have a grand party? Tell them and be honest. If they take offence and won't talk to you thereafter, you've lost nothing.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2024 19:19

Week01 · 01/10/2024 13:53

No a save the date is to let people know of the date, and to hopefully keep it free. The invitation are a bit early to send, or specifics like meal choices aren't available yet so just the date needs securing for now.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Hang around and don't book anything till we've made our minds up.

Monkeysatonthewall · 02/10/2024 19:20

HairyToity · 01/10/2024 13:22

If you've sent save the dates, you have to invite the guests...!

I personally never sent save the dates to allow some flexibility and I figured those closest to me will already have been told the date.

She absolutely doesn't have to.

mitogoshigg · 02/10/2024 19:22

Are they coming a distance so could have booked accommodation? If so that would be very rude to cancel leaving them out of pocket.

pollymere · 02/10/2024 19:23

Invite them to ceremony and/or evening do only. Chances are they'll decline...

Cosycore · 02/10/2024 19:48

A save the date is not an invite.

just send out invites to people and family that you want and can have, numbers and budget allowing.

I don’t think it’s as big a deal as some posters are making out tbh

Tae1 · 02/10/2024 19:54

OP, you are now doing a small intimate wedding due to the change of venue, that is the reason.
Your new venue was booked last minute and numbers are drastically reduced.
No need to contact them at all.
The original wedding simply never happened, because of the venue.
Situations change.
No drama, no fuss, keep it small.
Have a super day and keep things small and intimate.
I have never heard anyone regret a small intimate wedding with close family and friends.

Mirable · 02/10/2024 20:59

OP did they reply to your save the date?

vickylou78 · 02/10/2024 21:02

If you've sent save the dates, I'd invite them to the evening only invites if you can't fit them into the day.

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 02/10/2024 22:27

Mirable · 02/10/2024 20:59

OP did they reply to your save the date?

Nope, not a single family member (outside of immediate family who we've had discussions about the wedding in person) acknowledged the save the date.

OP posts:
Week01 · 02/10/2024 23:27

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2024 19:19

Exactly.

Hang around and don't book anything till we've made our minds up.

Show quote history

No, keep the date free because you're invited to the wedding but we don't have the full details to issue an invite yet. But the date we are sure of.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/10/2024 23:35

CranberryHedgehog · 01/10/2024 15:44

I'll try to answer a few questions here. My DM doesn't have any contact with them. Tbh I don't really know what happened between them but she hasn't seen her Mum or siblings in years. I assume the no contact (for whatever reason) is why she's not invited and actually thinking about it, my sister had a falling out with some of them so that's why she's not invited. I'm not sure why I'm not invited though, maybe it's just an extension of other relationships falling apart

Re save the date we did have a venue which we'd booked and paid the deposit, but unfortunately they had to cancel for unforeseen circumstances so we were forced to look elsewhere. Our original venue was lovely and it was affordable, our only other affordable option was a much smaller ceremony room so we've had to cut numbers for at the very least the day time. Also the save the date had the date and the venue, but no time specifics. The new venue is in the county and on the same date. There was no mention of day or evening on the save the date though. And yes as others have said, in hindsight we shouldn't have bothered with save the dates and just done invites nearer the time. Wedding is in 4 months so not just 6-8 weeks ago but I appreciate it's still pretty soon.

If we were to cut family, it would be all of the extended family. I could never just single out an individual to invite as I think that would be awful. I'm absolutely not 100% decided as some people have suggested which is why I asked here. I'm still very much mulling over finances, relationships moving forward etc.

You had an affordable venue booked when you invited a larger group of people, that fell through and you can't find another suitable venue for the date, so you had to book a smaller one. Sounds completely reasonable to me. Just tell people that and apologise, then invite the people you want. Maybe there will be some hurt feelings and jealousy, but honestly there always seems to be at weddings, however hard the couple try to avoid it.

conflictedrenter · 02/10/2024 23:38

they didn't reply to your dave the date so just don't invite them! when they ask what happened just say oh i never heard back so assumed you were not free.

willstarttomorrow · 02/10/2024 23:40

It is incredibly rude to ask someone to 'save the date' then decide they are not actually important enough to attend the day. Of course circumstances change, so assuming you felt someone was important enough to ask them to 'save the date' then they deserve you contacting them to explain why they are bo longer invited.

willstarttomorrow · 02/10/2024 23:42

Also-.no one replies to a 'save the date', why the bloody hell would you? You reply to the actual invitation