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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

159 replies

MirandaJH · 01/10/2024 10:03

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

OP posts:
hellokittychan · 01/10/2024 10:05

Not excusing her behaviour at all, just trying to understand why she would be like this…does she have children?

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2024 10:06

Do you think she's having fertility issues? Or really dislikes kids?

No excuse though. I'd match her energy.

Octavia64 · 01/10/2024 10:08

My brother met my twins first when they were five. Five years not five months.

He's a good friend to me and we support each other. He just doesn't do kids.

Up to you whether you want to lower contact or not. Some people don't do kids.

Offcom · 01/10/2024 10:08

My first thought is similar to the above posters, is she pregnant or thinking of it and not wanting to engage with the reality?

What a tough start you and your baby have had, I’m so sorry for you both

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 10:11

Some people just don’t like/enjoy babies, and your baby isn’t as interesting to other people as it is to you, but I do feel this is beyond that line.

In my experience becoming a parent does make you quite cut throat, I know I certainly am now, if someone doesn’t make the effort to ask about my daughter, even a text or call, then I simply don’t have time for those people. She is the most important thing in my life and the people who love me, love us, understand that and actively want to be in her life, even my friends who live further away ask about her, ask for photos, came to see us when she was born and now we alternate going to them & them coming to us. The people who don’t bother are no longer in my life, I think it’s perfectly okay to stop making effort or entertaining people like this and I would feel that way about your sister.

Lifeasweknowitisrandom · 01/10/2024 10:11

Not everyone can deal with babies. It's not a personal slight on you or your baby. Some people just don't do babies.

AnnaMagnani · 01/10/2024 10:15

No one is going to feel about your kids they way you do.

If yoour sister hasn''t got kids of her own she probably hasn't a clue how emotional these things were for you.

GhostVase · 01/10/2024 10:15

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 10:11

Some people just don’t like/enjoy babies, and your baby isn’t as interesting to other people as it is to you, but I do feel this is beyond that line.

In my experience becoming a parent does make you quite cut throat, I know I certainly am now, if someone doesn’t make the effort to ask about my daughter, even a text or call, then I simply don’t have time for those people. She is the most important thing in my life and the people who love me, love us, understand that and actively want to be in her life, even my friends who live further away ask about her, ask for photos, came to see us when she was born and now we alternate going to them & them coming to us. The people who don’t bother are no longer in my life, I think it’s perfectly okay to stop making effort or entertaining people like this and I would feel that way about your sister.

But you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Bluntly,your friends are interested in you, not your child. Cutting off friends who don’t ‘love’ your offspring, or go through the motions of enquiring about her in texts, is frankly mad. That they see your child as a side-aspect of you doesn’t make them bad friends, or bad people.

Hillarious · 01/10/2024 10:17

Before I had children, I didn't have the remotest interest in them. No fertility issues, just no interest. As @Mrsttcno1 says, her daughter is her number one interest in her life right now, but the same won't be true for the friends, and possibly some of the family, of @Mrsttcno1. Don't alienate your sister over this.

Hoppinggreen · 01/10/2024 10:20

I am not very intersted in babies or kids, when SIL had hers I managed to summon up enough interest so I didn't look like an arsehole but that was all.
Your child is the centre of YOUR world, not hers

Comedycook · 01/10/2024 10:21

I wouldn't bother with her. You don't sound close at all. Her reaction to your baby was unforgivable and there's no excuse.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 01/10/2024 10:24

I think saying "maybe she just doesn't do kids" is a bit ridiculous.

That's a defence for not meeting the baby, I don't see any issue with her only having met a 3 month old once. That seems totally fine. But most people would send more than a few words in a text if their sister (and her unborn baby) nearly died, even if they don't like babies.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2024 10:25

I disagree with some of the PP. Yes your kids are never going to be as interesting to other people as they are to you - that's true. But you're not droning on to her about your kids nappies or how good they are at napping / sitting up. You told her about your significant medical ossue, a complicated birth and a potential operation. Those things are big and scary. I used to not want kids, and didn't really have many friends with kids, and wasn't that empathetic to people's general parenting struggles...however even I'd have been feeling and showing genuine concern in those examples, I don't think you have to be a parent to show some concern and understanding to a parent who has a young baby in hospital, just a decent human with a tiny bit of imagination. Like the way that I don't have pets, but i can understand someone being very upset if their dog was very ill at the vets or something

toastofthetown · 01/10/2024 10:25

I don’t think this is just an issue about her sister ‘not doing/liking babies’. She isn’t supporting the OP either. I’d be really disappointed and hurt if my sister responded to huge issues in my life (potentially losing baby late in pregnancy, baby potentially needing surgery) so dismissively. My sister has shown more concern about my jaw issues than the OP’s has about her. If it was the OP’s husband who was in A&E unwell and potentially needing surgery would ignoring her sister’s request for support and showing no concern be fine because ‘she doesn’t do husbands’?

I’d probably pull back about from the relationship. She’s not willing or able to support you, and by reaching out for support, you’re probably just going to feel disappointed as well as having to deal with everything else. I’d still send a gift to her at Christmas and keep the door open because maybe in another season of life you’ll find yourselves close again and able to pick up the relationship. I’d still be a bit hurt now though.

Week01 · 01/10/2024 10:26

Just match her energy. She's giving you nothing, give her nothing back.

MrsMcPlant · 01/10/2024 10:26

I think the ‘some people just don’t do babies’ is abit of a cop out.

Come on, even if you don’t really like being around babies/ kids - it takes a minute to ask how they are doing, especially if they’ve been v.poorly. Isn’t that just what you do if you have an ounce of self awareness?

One of my friends is pretty awkward around kids (she says that herself) & doesn’t like holding babies, but she still asks how they are doing in texts and when she visits us or we visit her, she still shows an interest is their well-being.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 01/10/2024 10:27

She might be envious. I used to really dislike seeing young women with pushchairs out and about. It was only after I had my own baby that I realised I'd been envious of them. Or it could be that she's just not interested in babies. Maybe when your DD reaches an age where they can interact, your Dsis will be interested. Some people can't handle people they love being ill, either.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would treat her the way you did before the baby.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 01/10/2024 10:28

I am sorry you’ve been through all this, it must have been difficult. Your sister’s behaviour goes way way beyond someone just not being interested in babies. There will be something going on there, but it’s probably not going to come out until much later. One of my best friends was like this after my first was born & I was hurt but it was due to her own issues and through just stepping back and accepting that she wasn’t in a place to support me at that time we have rebuilt a good friendship now. Its reasonable you expected support from your sister but I would keep it brief and breezy for now and see what happens.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/10/2024 10:28

When I was without children, I didn’t get them at all and my reaction to someone asking if I wanted to hold their baby was pretty much oh god, then panic (only in my head, obviously).

If I had a close sibling, though, I would really make an effort.

GhostVase · 01/10/2024 10:31

MrsMcPlant · 01/10/2024 10:26

I think the ‘some people just don’t do babies’ is abit of a cop out.

Come on, even if you don’t really like being around babies/ kids - it takes a minute to ask how they are doing, especially if they’ve been v.poorly. Isn’t that just what you do if you have an ounce of self awareness?

One of my friends is pretty awkward around kids (she says that herself) & doesn’t like holding babies, but she still asks how they are doing in texts and when she visits us or we visit her, she still shows an interest is their well-being.

In fairness to the sister, I can understand the lack of specific enquiry about the baby during the pregnancy complication — if you’re not a parent, planning or trying to be one, around lots of pregnant friends, or work in obstetric medicine, you’re not necessarily going to have a sense of the baby as a specific separate potential human being, currently being carried by your friend/sister.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 01/10/2024 10:32

@GhostVase that's true, but it sounds like she also didn't show much care that her sister almost died either.

ManhattanPopcorn · 01/10/2024 10:35

This doesn't add up. There's a chunk of the story missing.

Op, is there another relative that you could talk to to find out what's actually going on? It's definitely not that she doesn't like your baby.

emn8 · 01/10/2024 10:36

If you have form for the dramatic, she may just protect herself with the odd "glad all is ok" type platitude, as she can't face being drawn in. The problem is, when it really IS something truly dramatic, the same approach feels unkind.

If not, then maybe she's just got a lot of her own shit going on at the moment. You mentioned she can be stressed with work, maybe she's just got enough on her plate and doesn't have anything left.

And other people's children don't give everyone the warm fuzzies, even though they're the centre of your universe.

I would only give a similar level of consideration in return and not worry about it too much.

EatSleepSleepRepeat · 01/10/2024 10:36

Talk to her.

I know you've had a lot going on and need to focus on your new baby but perhaps she is stepping back and sharing the stuff in her life with people who have capacity for her.

Relationships are like rubber bands, you pull apart for a bit and come back together.

Of course you're focussed on your baby, she hopefully understands that. But she may well have stuff going on that she isn't talking to you about because she doesn't want to burden you.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/10/2024 10:37

If yoour sister hasn''t got kids of her own she probably hasn't a clue how emotional these things were for you.

You do not need to have kids to understand that it's terrifying and emotional to have a premature baby, or a baby who might need an operation.

I'm surprised by some of the above comments. I'm childfree and yeah, babies aren't my thing, but when my siblings had them I did things to show that I cared (researched morning sickness products and bought them, checked in regularly, asked about all the milestones, visited and helped muck in etc.). I think your sister's absence of concern is quite odd.

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