Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

My brother said. It's weird people will know when you've had sex and I get the really degrading comment aswell, of you should have kept your legs shut. Siblings can be awful. I dont speak to my brother either.

First, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much with your beautiful little baby. I hope things are now on the up, and that all is well.

As for your sister… you say you’ve always got on well, so presumably you’re finding this behaviour around your child very out of character? If someone starts behaving differently from the person you know them to be, instead of stepping back, you should be stepping forward. It usually means there’s something going on with them that they either can’t or don’t want to talk about.
Check in on HER. Ask if all is OK. Tell her you’re still there for her, despite all your obvious distractions ATM.

Good luck. I hope you get to the bottom of it and you and your sister can become as close as you were before the recent changes.
And give your baby a hug from MN! x

@MirandaJH I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say I think I understand how you are feeling. Although my situation is not exactly the same as yours, but my relationship dynamics with my sister are very similar to yours.
This year I finally started waking up to the fact that my sister is simply not interested in having a sisterly relationship with me, or being an aunt to my kids. Tbh she's not even keen on being a daughter to our parents. No idea why.

But when you know your sister is worried and hurting, regardless of baby, then you reach out and you are supportive. Nothing to do with liking babies, it's about your sister's feelings. She tested explaining what she was going through.

She has form OP.
I doubt she will change hugely.
I think it is unreasonable to ask something of her that she has never given before.
I think you need to focus on matching her energy completely.
Keep her firmly on the periphery of your life.
Going forward put your energy into making friends who are on a similar path and will share this time in your life.

Not everyone is interested in children.
I was very late having mine but was very interested in my friends children because I loved my friends.
My single childless friends are interested in my children because they are a part of my life, like I am interested in their lives.

Accept your sister for who she is and where she is at.
Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
Don't spoil this time being upset.
Focus on your baby and mind you both.

I'd maybe check in and see that she's ok (without mentioning that you think she's been horrible) and after that then I would just match her energy. I don't get the posts saying some people aren't kids people or she might be having issues. She's your sister, if kids aren't her thing fine but she could at least be polite and act like a decent human on occasion and give the obligatory awwwh adorable now and again

The sister doesn't just seem to not care about the baby, she doesn't seem to care about OP either. Something else is going on here.

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with your sister as you have described your relationship as close but it dosent sound like that. Mayb she has something going on your unaware of give her the benefit of the doubt and just talk to her honestly and go from there.

My sister had her baby during covid so I wasn't allowed at the hospital it was a difficult birth but I was on the phone to her and checking in every chance I could to offer whatever support I could at that time.

Are you sure you had a good relationship with your sister before your little one was born? Births in a family have the "magical" ability to uncover ugly truths about family dynamics that were always there but to which we were blind...

Hey, don't ask her why she doesn't show empathy. Just ask her if she's okay and see where that conversation takes you.

If she doesn't like it, well, tough luck, she's your sister.

As this is unusual behaviour for her have you reached out and asked if she's okay.
Do you know if she has anything going on in her life right now that she's keeping to herself so she doesn't pile more on your already full plate?

It doesn’t sound like your sister cares that much about you OP, never mind the baby.

That’s not a good friend or brother

Yanbu at all! I’m not maternal in any way but managed to show interest in my sil’s pregnancy as she was my friend. My sister because we are so close was a different thing, it felt as close to having my own as it could get. I was so emotional and overwhelmed as I love her so much and it was a life changing moment, there’s absolutely no excuse for your sisters behaviour unless she just isn’t that close to you and if that’s the case I would stop making any effort too x

I agree. Also the OP isn’t some random colleague of hers, she’s her sister. You’d expect a sister to have more empathy, whether or not she likes babies.
Going “ew” at your new niece or nephew is pretty nasty.

The OP and her baby nearly died. A person is a real dick if they can’t summon up enough energy to care about their sister and neice/nephew’s wellbeing in those circumstances. But I’m guessing you’ll get on well with the sister - you both have similar energy

It sounds from your updates that she's always been a pretty non-emotional person, and now you've had a health scare and a baby you're suddenly expecting more reaction from her when realistically she's never been someone who does that.

People's relationships change once one side has had a baby.

I don't have kids. I don't want or like kids. And when one of my friends has kids, I literally grieve the relationship I had with them because I know it will never be the same again. It's hard. It's hard not to emotionally distance yourself a bit because you know it's going to hurt and things are going to be very different.

And once someone has a kid, they don't seem to understand or recognise anything outside that bubble any more. They forget that I, too, am a person with an independent life who has my own shit going on that I'm also struggling to deal with on my own. It's nothing personal that I haven't sent an effusive enough text about you giving birth, it's that I have loads of my own shit going on and even sending that short text was a massive effort and I'm even less likely to send any in future if you're going to be off with me about it because I don't have time or emotional energy for the drama.

I think a phone call or a meetup makes more sense as clearly she's not an emotional person over text message, even more so than in real life.

She didn't say 'ew' though, did she? That's OP's interpretation of her sister's face, not what she said.

Only OP knows what sort of relationship she has with her sister, what it was like before the baby, etc. I can remember telling my brother who kept foisting his children at me and not bothering otherwise that if I didn't have a relationship with him then I wouldn't be that interested in them either, just 'must do' stuff, because.

I get heartily sick of 'tiger mums' who revel in that moniker and inflated importance of their children when they force that on other people. Anybody making me pay court to a baby when my relationship is with their parent wouldn't be on my list either. I'm nice to all children, they can remember poor behaviour their life long and I wouldn't want to be responsible for inflicting that on any child - but they are not my children, they have parents for adoration whose job it actually is.

OP, it's up to you how you manage this, you know how your sister is and whether her behaviour warrants you cutting her off. I think that you could have a conversation with her, tell her that you'll be echoing her effort in future and would she be ok with that? She might though come back to you and say that's fine. Some siblings/family members are low effort, they just are.

Yet the OP of that post says differently. Your judgement of her relationship is unnecessary and completely irrelevant, as hurtful as you'd like to have made it.

I’m not wanting to make it hurtful, the simple fact is any sibling or friend who doesn’t bother to see your child/children for 5 years because they “don’t do kids” isn’t a good friend or brother in my eyes and I would think most people would agree.

Well the OP of that post doesn't agree with you and it's her opinion that matters.

Ok, my husband is a good husband but he’s out every night of the week, that’s my opinion but others can disagree? This is a forum where people give opinions and I have mine same as you have just done

Just because you're family doesn't mean there are the ones to give support. Some people are suffers, some people are not interested or are overwhelmed by emergencys and just keep on the perioral.
It's sad that you can't go to her when things have been very scary, but believe her, she's showing you she's not the person for you to go to if you words of care or support.
I'd not seek this out, as you're never going to get it. I'd may h contact and energy like for.looe and not upset myself by expecting something she is clearly not capable of.

Sorry OP it sucks, it does. I hope you and your son are recovering now after such a scary start.

Sounds like she's just not interested in babies. Not everyone is. Its easier to be excited for a child not in your family. When its in your family, you know that other people in your family might also change (for example parents might treat the 'first' grandchild different even if she did have children, or male children differently). I would just focus on talking about other things to her, to show her you're still you, and not everything has to revolve around your child (not saying it does, just that that might be her worry / perception)

Yeah, it’s actually took me writing this post and reading people’s comments to make me realise she has always held me at a distance. I feel like I’ve had my eyes shut ignoring it tbh. And I can even understand that she’s probably not doing it on purpose but then because of that I feel like I need to make her aware of it. Me pretending everything is fine isn’t going to do that, it will definitely require an in-person conversation that she can’t ignore.

So she hasn't changed at all then and she isn't going to now. You can't turn her into so,etching different so you either accept that your relationship is always going to be distant or you step back and concentrate on other relationships that are more fulfilling to you. Getting her drunk and forcing her to have a conversation about something that makes her feel,uncomfortable is just you being selfish. Leave her alone.

I have various siblings with various offspring btw. I don't speak to the siblings if I can at all help,it and it wouldn't occur to me to be interested in or bothered about their random children. Family isn't all,it's cracked up to be.