Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

Then I really do think she may be ND.

She reminds me of the woman in the novel "Eleanor Oliphant is doing fine". Completely shut down emotionally, avoids personal relationships, "wired differently". Her personality disorder was a result of parental abuse (not saying your sister has been through same, but I did wonder if a possibility)

What do your other siblings make of her? What's their relationship with her like?

So my big sister also had a baby a few months before me and she’s not shown any interest in that baby either and hasn’t even visited them! We have a brother too who lives far away- I FaceTime him often but I’m not sure how often they speak. When he came to visit she did make the effort to travel a few hours to see him but refused to travel one hour extra to see my sister and her baby.

Dear OP: you are describing a woman with a very strangled inner life. Whether its trauma or ASD or both can’t be determined by outsiders. But please pull back, for your own sake and your mental health. You have been through such a traumatic experience. Its natural to have wanted and expected sympathy, love, care, frim your own sister. But you can’t get blood from a turnip. She can’t be that support. She just doesn’t have it in her.

I agree. It's difficult but you have to come to terms that the relationship you wanted or imagined is not going to happen. I have had to adjust my expectations with my sister myself. Turns out sisterhood is a one way street to some.

I thought so, its not YOU or your child she has any kind of issue with.

It's everyone - except her DH. I wonder what he's like? How have they managed to form an emotional connection? Or have they?

Brilliant advice

She’s jealous!

Just wanted to post an update before the thread closes/disappears/however it works on here haha.
Thank you to everyone who gave me their advice or respectful opinion (the ones who just called me names need to get a hobby). It’s been really helpful to get a different perspective and think about it from her point of view or the experience of others.
Going forward I’m going to match her energy with Christmas (as I’m towards the end of maternity leave so definitely can’t afford to send presents but will find a way to get her something if she sends anything to me). I’m not going to make the 4-6hour journey to hers when I have a baby to consider but will happily see her if she’s making her usual journey up here. Then I will be my usual self with her and have a chat with her about how I’ve been feeling when the moment seems right. Then all I can do is see if she’s willing to take on what I’ve said and explain her feelings too.
I definitely want to keep the relationship but am not willing to make all of the effort, it needs to be shared.