Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

Oh, honestly!

That excuses rudeness and not caring from a supposedly close member of their family?

They can get over themselves

The OP wasn't asking her sister to adopt the baby - just show a bit of love and care

The excuses on behalf of the sister are quite something!

You honestly think that? So childless people aren't emotionally connected to another person, in any way, so couldn't imagine what's it like for a lived one's life to be in danger? She couldn't understand how stressful it was for the OP, to have her life at risk? I must have missed the part were she said they'd been brought up by robots.

The replies are ridiculous. OP let her make the next move. There's no excuse, not even infertility.

I know you don’t want to hear this but before I had kids I had no clue and no interest in babies, didn’t hold them, didn’t offer anything, they were just on a different planet to me! I saw this mirror led back at me after I had kids- some people jumped to hold them, others asked ‘so, em does it eat?’ and such other questions. Practically ran when they cried😅 Your sister just heard that you were ok and ticked that box in her head. You can’t make people be interested in babies( unfortunately !)

so before you had kids if a sibling/friend text you saying - "I'm in A&E, my 4 month old baby has a hernia and might need major surgery. I'm really upset and worried" - you would have thought it was absolutely fine to not bother replying and never acknowledge that text or check how they and their baby were doing because you didn't find babies especially interesting?

I do agree that your sister should have been much more attentive after your hospitalisation, but you need to remember that not everyone likes babies. I was delighted for my brother and sister in law when they had their first baby, but I had no interest at all in the baby himself. I was glad that he had been born healthy and that they were happy, but I really don't like babies, and I had never even held one in my life until we went to stay with them in Hong Kong when my nephew was about six months old and he was plonked on my lap. I tried to hide my feelings while we were there, but I didn't enjoy being with him at all. I felt just the same with their second child. I was 35 when I had my daughter; in those days was considered an older mum and all of my friends, with one exception, had had their children in their late teens or early 20s. Because of how I feel, I was always so careful not to be a typical baby bore when I saw friends, and would never had expected them to show particular interest in my daughter.

SummaLuvin

I might have read wrong? I thought the op said she told her sister she was ok?

@stayathomer it's in the OP

About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.

Meh. She texted you back the first time and told you that she was glad you were ok. She also sent you congrats on the birth and good wishes.

As for the other time it's quite possible that she thought she had replied to you and it didn't send - which happens from time to time - or it slipped down her inbox and she didn't see it. If she does normally reply then it's prob just one of those blips.

She also came round to see you. She didn't say 'Ew'. You imagined that she did so it's really off to castigate her here for something that she didn't actually do. And as for the not wanting to hold it, I can totally understand as there's always a risk you get weed or pooed or vomited on.

But the OP says her sister never talks about emotions unless drunk. She says they had a 'good' relationships previously, but by that she seems to have meant that they travelled to see one another. It's not clear that were confiding regularly in one another about serious things. If she's suddenly getting messages from he pregnant sister about life-threatening medical conditions being suffered by her/her unborn baby, and then about how she's worried about the baby maybe having to have surgery, that may be completely new territory for her sister.

I think she's worried about the dynamics of your relationship as sisters changing and is putting walls up to protect herself. If this is the case then obviously she's massively missing out on beautiful connections with both you & her nephew. Naturally the baby is part of your lives now and she knows she has to accept that. Is is possible other family members your parents are also v excited and talking about the baby lots so she feels everything has changed and put out. However she will need to accept this is just what happens when babies come along. Your loved ones should be supportive and accepting if they want to maintain a relationship with you. Not saying their life has to revolve around your child but they should at least be loving and supportive esp from afar. My sibling doesn't have children but is wonderful with mine albeit doesn't see them a lot and v supportive to me. I don't really do dogs but make a big effort for my sibling who has several dogs and they are the love of their life, if something matters to someone that is important to you then it should matter to you too.

I don’t get all the “she just doesn’t like babies” posts.

Theres a difference to not liking babies / being interested and not giving a care that your sister and her child nearly died, or not caring that your nephew might need surgery.

My sister is not a baby person, pregnancy, kids they don’t interest her! She doesn’t ask about my DC often, I don’t care because I know babies aren’t her thing family or not but I know if anything happened to me or DC she would be there for me

Or you just agree that 'dogs are your thing, but not mine' and 'kids are your thing, but not mine'?

You’re right, she didn’t say “ew”, it was like a glare and motion with her mouth, like what you would do if you found something gross.

Have you spoken to your sister x

She is very emotionally stunted in general- like on her wedding day she wasn’t like overexcited, she was just like “yeah it’ll be a nice day”. But like I said, when she’s drinking she opens up more and I’ve seen her crying her eyes out over things like a Taylor Swift song. But to be honest, I can’t really recall her being that bothered in the past either when big things have happened to me- I guess this situation has just opened my eyes up more because it’s much more significant.

I tried to ring but she never answers. Obviously at the time I had more on my mind to think about as I didn’t even know if my baby was still alive inside me- so decided to text her so she was aware, as I’d already spoke to and told my other siblings so I wanted her to hear it from me.
I wasn’t bothered she’d text back, I was bothered that she never even text after that to check up, in any of the three situations.

Well, I suppose the difference is in you, then. She's not an emotional person. Because your baby is understandably important to you, you thought that might make your sister more emotionally involved in your life, but it hasn't. The stakes are, understandably, raised for you, but, equally understandably, not for her.

But I don't think your title is accurate -- she doesn't 'dislike' your baby. I mean, your baby is three months old, so there's nothing to like or dislike! She's just not that bothered. Or she is, but it doesn't occur to her to respond in a certain way.

I would like to but feel like it needs to be a face to face conversation so that she can hear my point of view and I can hear hers. I know there’s FaceTime but with that comes distractions and the ability for her to excuse herself from the conversation. Plus, when she’s sober I know she’ll just agree and not actually open up.

I cannot understand the 'some people don't do kids' thing. Surely you still ask the questions and pretend to give a shit. Isn't that how friends or family relationships work?

Truthfully I don't really give a shit about my sisters new flat, what's it to me afterall? But I open every photo and give opinions on curtains and i regularly asked her how's it going during the sale and bought a present etc. Likewise my pal got a big promotion and I invited her for dinner and got champagne and let her tell me all about the process etc. I don't really know or care about her work but I care about her, that's how it works.

Not showing an interest in the most important thing in a person's life is the same as not showing an interest in them and it's unreasonable and hurtful.

Couldn't agree more. Maybe she doesn't do kids but when it is a serious health matter then any normal person shows concern. Personally I just wouldn't bother with her any more. You have your own little family unit and don't need negative people in your life.

Childfree people just don't get it and you can't relly fault them. It will be different when they eventually have their own kids or when your kid is old enough to have some interaction.

She perhaps should have more of an effort, but some people really aren’t interested in the babies of others.🤷‍♀️

I don't have kids, I'm not good with kids, I don't especially like kids. But if my friend reached out to me for support after major health scares for her and her baby I would do more than OPs sister. It's not about being interested in children, it's about being interested in the wellbeing of a friend. OP isn't bothered that her sister isn't cooing in delight with requisite enthusiasm, it's beyond that.

I don't have kids, and I never intend to.
My sister has three and I care deeply about her and her children's wellbeing - if my baby nephew had needed emergency surgery I'd have offered any support I possibly could, just as I would if any member of her family was ill.
I'm pretty surprised that not being a baby person is seen as a good excuse to show complete indifference, if my friends or siblings are going through something then I try my best to offer them whatever practical/emotional support I can - isn't that just part of trying to be a decent person?