Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

She sounds totally self-absorbed and uninterested in your life and wellbeing.

It doesn't take having children of your own to muster a basic level of care about a near still birth, a hazardous premature birth or a young baby potentially needing surgery. Most decent humans can feel concern for such matters even for people more lightly connected than a sibling.

She doesn't deserve effort from OP.

Could it be she's always been like this but you're only noticing now because you've needed more support than before?
You've said yourself she is emotionally closed off and stunted etc

I would let go of any expectations of support and interest from her, draw a line under the relationship you thought you had and put effort into other friendships.

You've been through a lot, don't waste your energy on her wondering and continually reaching out only to be disappointed and let down.

Yeah, it’s actually took me writing this post and reading people’s comments to make me realise she has always held me at a distance. I feel like I’ve had my eyes shut ignoring it tbh. And I can even understand that she’s probably not doing it on purpose but then because of that I feel like I need to make her aware of it. Me pretending everything is fine isn’t going to do that, it will definitely require an in-person conversation that she can’t ignore.

I am going through the opposite of this myself. I have a problem with emotional detachment (family) and after my sister gave birth she did let me know of the baby and what not name lbs inches but I wasn't the first to know. My parents were, people were loathed together. And from then on she'll send me texts or pics every now and then of the baby but my mother LOVES showing off screenshots of the baby she was just with and made me realize I never experienced or my sister nor i even thought to face time one another. I do feel hurt in myself that there's videos out there with her expressing love about her baby. I'm trying for a baby and it's not working. But I also suffer from emotional sympathy. I want to feel but it's hard. You and your sister had a great life in the past and something must've happened where she cut herself off. My sister suddenly went into the Marines when she was eighteen and I was alone till 23 when she wanted to communicate with me again or reconnect. It was already hard, since I went through depression at a chaotic state cause of her leaving and detached myself from her, and now it's hard to come back.
When I look at another's infant I see a blank canvas. But I know that it is different when you have your own loved ones. Like how it is with my partner.
Your sister said she had a bad week, well did her dog die? Did she lose a friend? Did u look to find out? Even if your sister may not be the sensitive type, just to be thought of is enough. Send smth everyday or every now and then. Even though my sis is being an ass hat on only showing her baby to everyone but me, we send videos to one another almost everyday. I'm also vague with my words. So how your sister responds- there are a lot more emotionless ways that could've been insensitive. I think it's more emotional. We don't know what's going on in her life. And I feel for both sides. Given that my sister is in the position of the person asking the question and I'm realizing maybe that's why she doesn't even want to show me anything because I also respond with little emotion like the other sister. But I can't help my emotions ._. it's a non responding void.

I don’t think she done anything wrong

just talk to her and I’m sure it will clear things up!

I'm totally with you on this.

It really isn’t, you know. You choose to fake interest in other people’s curtains. Not everyone does.

It's fine she doesn't like kids but she also seems to not like you.

You sends 1 short text in response to their sister nearly dying or cares so lotte after you've had major surgery and been sliced literally in half. Not bothering to call you back any time you've called her.

She isnt interested in if you're ok or your life. I showed more interest and care when my neighbour's dog was sick.

I'd cut her off.

I am sorry to hear this OP. Sounds very hurtful.

I wonder if your sister is suffering from infertility. I have experience in this area, and the strong emotions of envy, sadness and anger (at my own body and of the unfairness of the world) were very difficult to manage.

If your sister was previously caring then there's something going on psychologically causing her to behave differently.

I do have lots of sympathy for you OP, of course you want your sister to be more supportive, but perhaps she can't give you that right now.

Why don't you simply ask her what is causing this distance between you? Instead of reaching out to strangers, just speak to her.
No-one can second guess what's up with her. Just ask. Then you will know.

All the people here saying she's just not a baby person. I despair

She's not a basic human empathy or decency person. Her behavior is shocking.

I'd just not get in touch with her anymore op. She clearly does not GAF.

She's her sister. I'd do what contact you can manage OP
.

I totally agree about some people not liking babies or being interested in kids, but this just sounds like she care much about the OP full stop.

Wow, some of the responses on here! You can not like kids and still care that your sister nearly died.

I think you should step back and match her energy.

What a drip feed!!!

Absolutely this.

The family dynamics change when you're the first sibling to have kids. It's not always easy for the younger siblings. It can bring up lots of different feelings for the siblings who haven't yet had kids or don't want them, or don't know if they will be able to have them.

Feeling left out/excluded because everyone else is focused on new baby. Parents often go into a "grandparent bubble" and forget to check in on their other children.
Feeling "left behind"
Not knowing the right things to say/do, especially if they don't have friends who have kids, haven't spent much time around babies
Re-evaluating their own lives/relationships/thinking about when or if they will have kids, if they want them, etc
Feelings about how their own relationship with their sibling will change. My sister, who I'd been more of a parent figure to, particularly because of a big age gap, really struggled with this.

I wouldn't be too harsh on her at this stage because everyone is finding their feet in different ways when a new baby comes along. Obviously if things don't change, it may be worth saying something, meeting up and mentioning that you feel there's been a change in your relationship since you had the baby and you want to understand what's going on. But if she isn't willing to talk or engage, then maybe that's the point you need some distance.

She sounds emotionally immature. I would pull back, I think.

People have said about maybe she doesn't do babies or kids, that's just rubbish, I'm sorry but it's not about the baby, she was like it before your baby was born, if you were close sisters before you became pregnant then there is something wrong, she may not be concerned about the baby but she would be about her sister.
My sister in law was trying for a baby for ages and had ivf, she finally became pregnant and she used to talk to me until she found out that I was pregnant as well and then the bitchy comments started because the limelight wasn't on her anymore, maybe your sister is trying to get pregnant and she sees that you have done the same, that's no excuse just a reason, I would just leave things how they are, don't contact her anymore and don't put your self out to try and male things right, all the time you try she doesn't bother with you, maybe if you backed off she would start to realise and make contact with you.
I hope you are your baby are okay, and I hope things work out for you

In my experience, lack of interest in siblings children has been motivated by either:

1. jealousy of the fact that you have kids and they don’t, for whatever reason (e.g. struggling to find someone to have them with), or
2. jealousy at losing attention from your child’s grandparents/new baby grabbing all the attention.

Some adults are incredibly self centred and immature main character types. Never ceases to amaze me.

Exactly this !!!! It's your SISTER ..... you would expect her to give a damn that you and the baby could have died !!! Nothing to do with her being childless in my opinion.. and everything to do with her being uncaring and emotionally stilted. I'd have to pull back if I were you. You've tried. Just enjoy your lovely baby and accept it's her loss. You don't need that garbage as a new mum. If she contacts you, fine, reply politely, but I wouldn't give her any more than that. Stick to those who do care. I'm glad you and the baby are well now.

I think you're making a big leap in assuming she doesn't like your child. It sounds like she's either an extremely self centered person (which you'd have already known) or there's a particular issue keeping her at arms length.

Without knowing more, I'd guess that she's either having fertility issues of her own, or she was really freaked out by what happened at 24 weeks and is now just putting distance between herself and a situation that frightened her. In either case, she might not understand herself why she's feeling avoidant and cold.

Just talk to her about how she's feeling.

I think that's a really harsh assumption that your sister-in-law wanted the limelight. As someone who's had a lot of fertility issues and losses, I have kids now but I admit that I still sometimes feel resentful of people who seem to have managed to do it so easily. And it's not about me getting attention, it's just envy at them enjoying their pregnancies and not having to spend the whole time terrified of loss again, and missing the whole experience of surprising your partner with a positive test instead of him knowing you might be pregnant because you've been at the clinic and spent a fortune which isn't sweet or fun. I would expect that that's probably more what made her a little bitchy.

When I was first pregnant my brother said “so you have a thing growing in you. Weird”.

He just didn’t bother turning up to my wedding, no apology.

Years later when I had three DC he messaged to say he knew he had been a bad Uncle but wanted to do better. We asked him for lunch and he turned up two hours late with no apology.

When he had his own child I sent gifts and cards and first birthday and Christmas with no response.

I gave up. Never see him or talk to him and probably won’t until our Father dies.

My advice would be not waste your precious time. It isn’t on you to try and maintain a one sided relationship.

Even if she "doesn't do kids" your still her sister and you'd think she'd be worried enough to make sure you're ok, you're supported and that nothing happens to you, you'd think she'd want to see the child at least because he's part of you and again to see you and make sure you're supported.

She sounds like a bit of an A hole tbh and selfish.

Maybe speak to her, tell her how you feel, don't make it so much about the baby but like when you were in hospital and you were worried and scared you could have done with some support. And after he was born the same thing. Make it about your relationship. The birthday thing shows she's miffed about something. She could of amazoned a present and sent a card. There's nothing you can't do online. It takes 5 mins.

Hope you get it sorted. It sounds like you were really close before x

Before you give up on your relationship maybe you could talk to her about how you’re feeling about it. Like say you felt hurt when you haven’t had much contact from her and you understand that she might not be into kids but that her lack of interest in other ways (such as your birthday or your health) is hard because you’d like a close relationship with her.

she might fob you off but at least then you’ve had a crack at talking to her about your feelings and her response will give you a better idea as to whether you want to bother with her or not.