Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

I disagree with some of the comments, I really don’t think there is any menace in her behaviour. Either she’s having fertility issues or she is just clueless. Before I had kids, we were totally clueless. I remember a close friend having a baby in scbu, and I honestly didn’t get it. I also visited a friend with a new born and we stayed for ages. Looking back, we were just clueless. We were the first of our friend group to have kids and I’m the youngest in my family. Please just embrace your sister and don’t take it personally.

There’s an awful lot of excuses for the fairly shitty behaviour the sister is demonstrating… I “don’t do” football l, but I’m a decent human and know how important it is to my DH and I listen to him and chat when he talks about his team.
i “don’t do” pets but I’m not a twat and so when my friends dog was having an operation I sent her a text asking how he was getting on and offered any help I could.
i “don’t do” kids that aren’t mine (and sometimes not mine either tbh!)… but I’m not an arsehole so I remember birthdays and ask questions and engage with my family and friends about the little people who are so important in their lives.
If someone is important to you, you make the effort to engage with the things that matter to them.
and not giving a shit about someones near death or someone’s baby being in the hospital, regardless of if kids are your thing, makes you a really scummy human.

Perfectly said, it’s basic decency as a sister to ask how you are after what she’s went through

This is bollocks.
My cousin had pregnancy complications and had to have a very early Csec to prevent losing both her & baby.
Her baby was delivered very early indeed.
I went to see her in the SCBU. It was very emotional.
I wanted to support her as much as I could.
Sitting in a ward with such tiny fragile lives was so disturbing.
I hadn't had my kids then. But I in no way didn't realise the gravity of the situation!

Your sister has issues. I don't know what they are. But something is up with her. So sorry OP. It must be really hurtful.

You mentioned other siblings in one of your posts, I hope they are more supportive?
You also mention that the sister in question is younger? Is she the youngest of you all?
Sounds to me like she is self involved and not that bothered about anyone. It's easy to make the right noises over text without any effort. The phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' is her thinking here and she's just not thinking about you at all. It's very sad for you but I would focus on your other family members and friends that actually care.

Where are your parents? Why are you texting your sister all the time? Is your husband around to support you?

I have a newborn too. We didn’t really ‘Announce’ my pregnancy nor are we sharing updates/pictures to anyone unless asked. To me it sounds like you are providing your sister with running commentary of you/baby. No wonder she lost interest. Did you ask how she is?

Tell her how you feel and however she decides to respond will help your decision going forward. Have you told your parents how she's been behaving? What's their take on it?

To be honest, it feels like your sister is resentful, jealous, and insecure in her responses. Can she not have children of her own? Struggling to conceive? Even so, it does not justify her behaviour and she will miss out on having a nephew whom might have idolised her.

She loves you, not your child. I don’t know if it’s the same, but I have a great relationship with my cousin. I half brought her up, we’re more like sisters. She’s had dc who I rarely see due to distance so I don’t really know them, although they’re lovely. I’m not really bothered about them, although I remember birthdays and get give them money for Christmas. However, I’m just not really bothered about them. Is it like this for your sister? No doubt if you were physically closer, she’d probably be the doting auntie.

Hi op,

It is a hard one.
there are loads that you don’t know. She does keep the relationship but she defo took distance. You shouldn’t assume why…

you should check your expectations of her. Except if she said that « When you have a baby, I will… » then it is inly you wanting something that she clearly isn’t in line with.

With regards to your health and her lack of interest on how things are…would you say that you show interest in her these days? Her health? Her work? Her relationship?

Relationships change when big events come and you both have to adjust. I wouldn’t throw it away because it isn’t as much fusional as it was once. Also, you are the one that created that change so maybe tend to her a bit…

Buy her a gift. Make a fuss of her. Make her feel wanted and important.

Good luck 🌺

Your child is the centre of your world, don’t expect anyone else to feel the same.

she genuinely might not be interested in children or could be going through fertility issues.

There's not being interested in babies, and there's leaving your sister on read when she's told you that her baby is in A&E and potentially needing surgery.

Good advice imo

Even if you don’t like babies/children, to be so unconcerned about your sister’s child is weird.

As our kids grew up, my brother and I didn't see it each other more than we usually did, and any hospital trips were mentioned in conversation at a later date. I think you're expecting your sister to be far more invested in your child than I would anticipate. She's obviously not very maternal yet and babies can feel very uninteresting.

My mum is dead and my dad is not in the picture. My husband is around as well as many friends and some family that care about him. But I’m confused by your comment- I’m not constantly texting my sister. I reached out to her when I almost died and lost the baby, then when I had given birth and two months later when my baby was rushed to hospital. In between that I’ve shown interest in her life, despite her ignoring mine. But after the third significant event of her not checking up on me, it’s led me to feeling this way.

If she was a brother you wouldn’t find this strange. Get a grip. Most people don’t enjoy other people’s babies until they’re older

Just ignore the posts that are rude. You have learned something about your sister which you knew but refused to know:she is selfish and doesn’t care about you. And this is probably a pretty deep seated coping mechanism on her oart.

This has nothing to do with the baby or not liking babies. She will not open herself to potential loss by responding to you now that you have shown her that you could die. Your family (deceased mother/vanished father) functions bit has had a lot of losses and gruefs. Her way of coping is drink and dissociation. I think that when she found out you might die she internally panicked and retreated (flight) from traumatic loss.

Disgusting comment. She and her baby nearly died. I care and I don’t even know her. Her own sister should care.

I've read all your posts OP and it's interesting that you can now reflect and realise she has never shown excitement even on her own wedding day!

And that she only shows emotion when drunk? And got very drunk when you announced your pregnancy?

Could she be ND? She sounds "wired up differently" and by your accounts this disinterest is nothing new, so I really would try not to be hurt by it.

What's she like with her DH? Publicly affectionate?

Sorry if too intrusive, but what happened to your Dad? What age was she when whatever happened to him happened?

In no way whatsoever does the op sound needy, thinking your sister might be slightly interested when you have a baby or nearly die isn’t needy! Jesus I really do wonder what type of relationships people have with family and am so thankful for my relationship with my siblings who would rally round and support me if something similar happened

Thanks, I appreciate that- I don’t understand the rude comments trying to call me names or put me down, all I’m trying to do is get other people’s perspectives so that I’m able to think from another viewpoint than just my own. 😬

I’ve never actually even seen them kiss each other, even on their wedding day they weren’t that affectionate, but they seem happy together.
So my dad didn’t leave but he was a terrible dad. He was abusive to me but less so with my siblings, I think because I was the accident and looked most like my mum. So I’ve completely cut him off. My sisters haven’t officially cut him off but they never see him and don’t have a good relationship with him.

Yes I do care how others respond when I almost die or almost have a baby die. If you don’t, you obviously view yourself as not important, which is something you should get professional help for.