Do I make the effort with sister who doesn’t like my child?

[MirandaJH]

I know I’m probably throwing myself to the tigers but I genuinely want advice so please don’t start judging and cursing me…
I used to have a really good relationship with my sister and her husband even though they live hours away from me- we would make the effort to visit each other often.
But when I was 24 weeks pregnant, me and my baby nearly died due to a medical issue. When I told my sister her response was just a text saying “Oh I’m glad you’re ok now” (despite us not being out of the woods). The rest of the pregnancy was very scary yet she didn’t reach out once to check how I was.
I had a c-section at 36 weeks and he was born under 4 pounds. When I told her, again the response was vague- “congratulations so happy for you” and that was it.
He’s now 3 months old and she’s only visited him once, but only because she was already up North to see someone else. When she met him she just looked at him like “ew” and didn’t acknowledge him the whole time. She didn’t even want to hold him.
About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.
My birthday was shortly after and she text me to say, “sorry I can’t send you anything cos I’ve had a stressful week at work”.
With Christmas coming up, I feel like not even reaching out or sending her anything, because the fact that she seems to care so little has really bothered and hurt me.
What would you do?

What you say in your second paragraph completely contradicts what you said in your first paragraph.

You managed to summon up enough interest so you didn't look like an arsehole. OP's sister hasn't managed to do that.

Looking at your sister's baby and saying 'ew' doesn't even reach the bar of sheer indifference. She sounds as though she found the baby disgusting. I would give her a wide berth.

OP, some people just don't like babies much. Especially If she doesn't have DCs of her own.

Does she have a stressful job? Is she flat out at work? What is going on in her world? Do you know? I had an international job for a while, during which three of my siblings had children. I don't think I visited any of them. I was busy, on and off planes, and they didn't need me.

I know your DC is the centre of your world, but she may not see it like that. That doesn't mean she doesn't care.

True, but sibling relationships shift and reconfigure over time. It sounds as if this formerly close relationship between the sister shifted into being less close during her pregnancy (whether this was caused by the pregnancy isn’t clear), and I think a lot of relationships temporarily fall by the wayside during the small baby stage — I know I saw less of friends who’d had children for years, until the children were more independent. When I had DS (long after those of my friends who’d had children, at 40), I dropped out of contact with almost everyone for a couple of years (PPP, house move, high-needs baby).

Most of my friends (whether or not they’re parents) aren’t that bothered about DS, other than as an aspect of me. Certainly neither of my (childfree) sisters are.

You say you had a good relationship but that has clearly changed since you became pregnant. Disagreements between couples over having children, trying to conceive, pregnancy, miscarriages etc are all massive emotional rollercoasters for many women and it’s quite typical to deal with that by shutting off from those who are around you.

Except if those friends didn’t bother to check on me when I was hospitalised in pregnancy, or when my child was born and I was brand new to motherhood, or when my child is then hospitalised- ALL things which cause ME huge stress, anxiety, worry, sickness, then how much of a friend is that? A true and good friend is there for you, always, if any of my friends had not bothered to check on me knowing I was going through something so tough then that’s not a friend.

It’s certainly not cutting my nose off to spite my face to cut off anybody who doesn’t care about or support me when I’m going through a tough time, whether that’s pregnancy/baby related or being hospitalised with another illness.

I don’t have the remotest interest in rabbits. I don’t find them interesting or cute or appealing in any way. But one of my closest friends has rabbits who she adores, and I can’t imagine her messaging me saying how upset she is that Cottontail has an emergency vet appointment and might need surgery and ignoring that message and never following up to see how she and the bun are doing later.

Ditch her....she doesn't care about you or your baby.

How old is she op, is she younger than you? You can be quite selfish when you're young yourself and have no kids. These things just go over your head as you're so wrapped up in yourself and your own life.
If she isn't and has her own kids etc then I would be pissed off too and not bother with her.

My older sister hasn't met my nearly 8 month old and had no intention of doing so but that's a whole other issues (hers btw not mine) but it does really hurt.

What was your relationship like beforehand? If you were close then surely you can discuss with her what is the issue. Anyone here can only guess. If you weren't close before, then more difficult, but an are you ok as I haven't heard much from you recently is worth a try.

Does she blame the baby for you almost dying
If she was always close to you perhaps now she is struggling with her emotions and how she feels about you being a mother. Can you ask her?

I'm the older sister with kids, sibling no kids.
He's not interested, his partner used to buy the presents, remember the birthdays.
I noted it but wasn't particularly upset. What has caused me to detach is he only gets in touch when he has a problem or is miserable. He's negative or critical, often disguised as banter, about anything positive in our lives.
This dynamic looks like it's here to stay now, so I just put in the bare minimum. Maybe it's not a kid thing maybe just a misaligned attitude thing.

I think you are not unreasonable for the way you feel but are unreasonable to consider starting to distance yourself from her.

Does she have children herself? Is she facing fertility issues? How old is she? Is she a baby person?

There are a lot of things I would consider and talk about with her before thinking of not making an effort with her. She could have a lot going on her own life (work and personal) which she hasnt shared with you because of your struggles that are effecting her massively into not making an effort.

You also have to remember that you and your DS are your number 1 at the moment. As hard as it is to heard and know, that isn't how it is for your family and friends. Yes you have had serious health issues but you are fine ultimately.

Ooh I love this phrase!

My brother in law and his fiance dont like kids. They still make and effort to interact with her and us. They are family after all and wont be kids forever.

With the way some people speak here its okay to just ignore youre family as soon as they have a child just because they dont like kids. Doesnt take much to check in. When they were originally quite close. Will they all of a sudden be involved when the kids turn 18 or just ignore them as adults too?

This

Does your sister understand how serious things were? Cause it sounds like you sent her a text and her response was great things are good now - which is eithr extreme don’t care - or thinking this was like wow that was scary but actually it was all fine.

If you’re just texting her, there’s a good chance she thinks it’s smaller things than they are. Because I wouldn’t expect a text or voicemail to let me know my sister is likely to die. I’d expect someone to speak to me in person. So if I got a text saying I almost died - I’d assume it wasn’t literal.

Yes it’s really odd she’s making no effort to visit. But if you want to save the relationship you can’t just hope she does. You need to call her and speak with her. Invite her to visit ASK her to come - let her know you want her to come. And be clear.

It’s weird that she’s suddenly dropped you. She might not like kids, she might have fertility issues, or miscarried the morning you said you were pregnant. She might also be following advice to not impose, all that rubbish. Sure could also just be being a shitty sister at a time when you really need her. Or she’s angry about something you missed or don’t remember. No matter what it is - if you want the relationship reach out.

I appreciate everyone’s insights and views on this. To answer the questions a lot of the responses are asking:

1. Shes a few years younger her than me and doesn’t have children of her own. But she works with older children sometimes in her job role. I know her husband has mentioned in the past he’d like a few children but she’s never expressed the same wish.
2. I considered the possibility of her struggling to conceive/miscarriage etc. What’s hard is she never even talks about emotions unless she’s drunk. Although when I first announced to her my pregnancy she got very drunk and didn’t mention anything. Her friend has also had a baby at a similar time and she was talking about that baby with excitement.
3. I understand what people are saying about her “not doing kids”. But even if you don’t, surely you would care about one living or dying, especially your nephew? Plus it wasn’t just his life on the line, it was mine.
4. I’m completely fine with her not doting after him, I’m not really the kind of mum that only talks about my baby. As much as I love being a mum, I’ve got other things separate to him I’m still passionate about and have made a conscious effort to be interested in other people’s things too. When she said about her stressful week I even asked her about it but then she just replied, “I was planning on leaving anyway haha” and then went on holiday the week after.
5. I had to text her because each time I rang, she didn’t answer. And because she lives hours away it was my only option.
6. Because of her being so distant in texts, I was planning on talking to her in person, after filling her with a few glasses of wine so she’d be more open haha! But that would rely on her coming to me over the New yr like she used to do. But she seemed to be a bit uncertain about if she was going to do that this time round, even when I explained I can’t travel 4hours+ to her with a 6 month old baby.

I would go and see her and have a chat. Babies can indeed travel for a few hours, or if I felt unable I'd text and arrange a time to facetime. Texts are a really terrible method of communication.

There's no point guessing at why things are this way , and it may be that your perception is different to hers.

For example, she may be feeling a bit left behind/ unsure how to navigate a relationship with a sister who she used to feel close to but now is all about the baby. Whether that's right or wrong is neither here nor there if you want a healthy relationship with her.

I don't think the sister actually said "ew" from what OP said
If she did that was awful

Were you close before having your baby? Has this been a profound change to your relationship or was she always like this about other issues (eg - if you’d have been in hospital pre baby would she have shown the same lack of emotion?)

How did you tell her though?

If you texted her to tell her you'd been in hospital then I think it is fair enough if she texted back
In fact I'd normally respond similarly to how I was approached.

For example, she may be feeling a bit left behind/ unsure how to navigate a relationship with a sister who she used to feel close to but now is all about the baby. Whether that's right or wrong is neither here nor there if you want a healthy relationship with her.

she might be unsure but the fact is that in the space of 6 months -

• her sister almost died
• the baby her sister was carrying almost died
• the baby was born premature and very underweight
• the baby then had a major health complication, had to be taken to A&E and OP was concerned an invasive surgery might be needed

if someone you remotely care about reaches out to you in distress after/in the midst of all that and you leave them on read because your not sure how to navigate the relationship or don't like babies or whatever other excuses PP have come up with it's very cold.

I'm not a baby fan. It is not like she ignored it. She sent congratulations etc. Im sure when your baby is bigger and is more interactive things will change.

Ahe might also be goung through fertility issues , miscarriages etc.

Shes not ignoring you she's just not as engaged as you would like

About a week after them meeting, I had to take him to A+E because we discovered he had a hernia. That night we weren’t sure if he’d need an operation. When I messaged her upset and worried, she didn’t even bother to reply and never checked up to see what happened.

She ignored that the baby was taken to A&E and potentially needed surgery and all the health complications before and surrounding the birth. Like I said above, I’m not a rabbit fan but if my friend messaged that her rabbit was at the emergency vets potentially needing surgery, I wouldn’t ignore the messages because I find her pets boring. I don’t have to care about the rabbits, but I do care about my friend and wouldn’t leave her with two blue ticks while she’s stressed, scared and wanting support.