To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

@Tellysavelas yes because I don't have issue with it but the op does? I explained that.

Would I ask my boss? My current boss yes because we have a friendship as well as a working relationship.
I think that would depend on if it was just a professional relationship or not. But completely different to school gates which is a non professional relationship and often a common place for small talk.

I’m surprised that’s considered a normal , just making conversation, comment by so many posters. It sounds judgemental and if she’s not really interested why comment at all.

So is the one to the OP, the person asking has no clue if she's struggled to get pregnant every time, has had years of infertility issues, or having another baby after this is a touchy subject with her partner, or they want to but they have horrible money issues that they're really worried about.

Aside from all that, asking a relative stranger if their partner is next planning to stick their penis in them for fun or profit is a personal question.

The OP already has a child and is pregnant though so it's really not in the same league as asking "so when are you going to start a family?" to a childless person.

I mean I guess "do you have children?" is insensitive to someone who has been trying/can't have any, but it's a perfectly reasonable, harmless question.

As a northerner I just think anyone who questions the purpose of small talk when random humans converge in a public place for the exact same reason, has got a poker up their arse.

Gosh women at the school gate can’t win can They…

Invite people to events and they’re pushy
Don’t invite people and they’re cliquey - god forbid they be seen spending time with other women from school - bitches!
Ask questions and they’re nosey / trying too hard
Dont ask questions - then they’re snobby and mean…

Maybe let’s just assume people generally have good intentions - if there are things that one doesn’t want to talk about then you can think about how to deflect those things in advance (example - I have always been pretty athletic fit + have a series of well practiced ways of deflecting the conversation if it gets into probing questions about diet + or exercise because I don’t relate to struggling with it and it makes me feel awkward)

This is not appropriate "conversation" for anyone, FFS! It's just rude. Fortunately, this person isn't a friend, so you can happily ignore her in future.

It's not idle gossip though! Gossip is something that's interesting to some and something others might want to know. Whether a random person is going to have a third child is neither.

I do think you are being over sensitive.
I was 19 when I was first pregnant, I've had four children and have been asked each time if it was planned and each time if I planned to have anymore.
My 4th pregnancy I nearly died, was extremely unwell and it rocked my mental health to shit. I'd never ever have another one, infact I was sterilised during my 3rd c section.
But I wouldn't be offended at someone asking if I was planning another one (my 4th is nearly 3) and I was asked just last week by staff at her nursery if I was planning another now that she's in nursery, I just laugh it off and say never again.

Same, any questions about my parents are uncomfortable as I’m no contact. I still understand why for other people talking about your parents may be a perfectly normal thing to do. So while it’s unpleasant for me to have that kind of conversation I don’t expect other people to be able to anticipate that. Casual conversation would be a nightmare if we were all trying to think of a list of questions we are not allowed to ask.

It’s just small talk isn’t it. You just say not sure let’s get this one out the way first and laugh, it really isn’t a big deal.

Maybe OP you could have some stock answers to questions you don't like. Eg - oh I haven't thought about that yet, we're not sure, etc
Or even- oi, that's a bit personal ( with a laugh, not aggressive)

I struggled with fertility for many years. My last 2 children were conceived through IVF. I certainly wouldn't have been offended by that question when I was pregnant as I was so grateful to actually be expecting, the thought I might not have any more was not something that was at the forefront of my mind.

Most perfectly innocent topics are going to offend someone somewhere. If we have to second guess every subject we broach perhaps it's best never to make small talk ever. How sad.

Maybe she was just making conversation, hardly anything to get upset about! A lot of people on here moan because of unfriendly school mums and here you are...

Personally I wish far more people were like this. Many people dont care & others just dont want to know.

I much prefer it when people ask me questions, even relative strangers I hardly know & I do the same back. I would draw the line at intimate details or something I only share with DH or very close family. Other than that feel free.

I think it was probably a bit of a personal question to ask of someone you don't really know but it's from someone who didn't know your history of trying for this pregnancy.

IMO I think with your overreaction of wanting her to !@#$ off, you are being a bit oversensitive though probably because whilst you would like more children, you don't know if it will be possible.

She was probably in a ham fisted way trying to be friendly - It was just small talk so don't work yourself up about it and just let it go.

Yeah this, if you wanna bond with the mums you have to be open I've found. I'd never ask unless we were already in a convo like that though.

This is the problem with modem life - she was probably trying to be friendly and make conversation and it’s ended up on Mumsnet . You have a delicate fertility history - she might be lonely as hell and trying to make a friend . Give people the benefit of the doubt .

As others have said just making conversation. It's so hard to do so without offending anyone now a days! You don't have to answer honestly and she probably doesn't expect you to.

My ex cheated on me and people have asked if I want a second. The reality is that probably won't happen for me now because of his selfishness but instead of saying the truth I just say "I am happy with one right now"

It's really not. You have no way of telling what they've been through to get the one

It is an intrusive question, and would be quite rude if it was meaningful. But as PPs have said, it's just an everyday question meant as a 'social stroke', not a serious enquiry into your fertility and contraception plans. It just requires a quick, bland reply - which you gave - and invites some sort of mundane enquiry about her life in return.

When you think about it, loads of our everyday questions could be offensive! People compliment others on looking slim when they're trying to recover from anorexia or have late-stage cancer, they say "Nice car!" when the abusive partner bought it with the rent & food money, they mention what a lovely guy the abuser is, ask people with zero budget about their holiday plans; the possibilities are endless ...

... which is why we accept 'social strokes' for what they are instead of searching for meaning, and reply in the same spirit 🙂

Im sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Yes I’d generally avoid these topics with people I don’t know well but I think this school mum thought she was safe to ask a heavily pregnant woman with already at least one child this question without it being a touchy subject.

Also do you completely avoid these subjects with everyone? It must be hard to take friendships beyond surface level without discussing the hard stuff.

Exactly! What's the gender? Does your child know/understand what's happening? Are they excited about having a little brother or sister? Have you set up the nursery? etc

Wow!

Those are invasive questions .....for some people......not for you, obviously

The fact that YOU don't think that YOUR questions are invasive says a lot 🤣

My neighbour recently had a baby and seems to have someone staying with her to help out. The other day I got chatting to him (my toddler wanted to see the baby) and he asked whether she has any siblings and whether we're planning to have more. Both are awkward questions for me (I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage before she was born and she's an IVF baby after multiple failed rounds). He couldn't know that though and I didn't feel like he was being nosy. Just making conversation with a stranger and children seemed like an obvious topic given we were looking at a baby! So I just said she's an only child and we don't know yet. I did, however, explain that she has a disability and can't walk (yet) so that makes the decision for another child a bit difficult right now, so he may have ended up feeling like he'd opened a can of worms anyway 🤣. I would never ask those kinds of questions because it's such a sore topic for me but for people who gave struggled I don't think it even crosses their minds that it counts be anything but a light-hearted, positive or at worst neutral topic.

just say ooh going for the dozen watch her choke