To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

at a guess and from my experience people have different levels of conversation , some will talk about mostly anything, yet others will limit convo topics, usually its down to the individuals and as you get to know a person more by asking this then helps gain a better understanding

I wouldn't ask someone with no kids whether they planned to have them in case they had fertility issues. Once I had one kid and one on the way I wouldn't have minded anyone asking whether it was my last. Easy to answer yes/no/don't know and I don't see it as an offensive question at all

It's just idle chit chat. She didn't care a jot about your reply. People say these things but it's just making conversation probably she thinks it's better than silence.

I've suffered infertility but even I think this remark is OK. It's different to saying 'when are you going to have kids?' to someone who is childless.

The phrase "offence is taken, not given" springs to mind.

I get it that to you this is a personal question OP but to a lot of people it really isn't. And the reason this kind of question is being asked at the schoolgate and not on the bus is that you are all mums and therefore questions related to children seem appropriate. But I get that it makes you feel uncomfortable so why not have a standard answer "I have no idea" to all questions you feel are intrusive. And surely the mum will go on talking about HER doubts. Asking you was just a polite thing before she could share about her. This is what I noticed, not a statistical survey fwiw:).

YANBU. I can't stand the noisy school mums. Just smile and walk past, don't engage. That's what I tend to do.

I agree with you OP. It’s nosey and personal not general conversation. There’s a million other things someone can say to make small talk rather than ask personal questions to someone they barely know.

It's just general chit chat. YABU and weird about this.

I'm betting within that "million other things" are topics others might find intrusive/sensitive to them. So it's either talk about the weather or don't speak at all!

I’d be fine with it and wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

No one really cares how many kids other people else have or are planning (it's only really interesting when you get to the "and are you going to try for an 11th?" stage).

She's just trying to think of some small talk and many people wouldn't find this question very personal/intrusive. It's easily answered by a pleasant "we'll have to see" if you really don't want her or others to know.

Ok boomer.

Then why ask?

Because making small talk is expected in certain situations rather than standing around like a lemon.

@peppermintteacup I just don't see questions like this as being overly personal. It's not as if someone is asking how often you have sex with your husband or what position you prefer. As so many other people have said, it's just other people making small talk rather than everyone standing alone and not speaking.

This is not 'small talk'. But small talk is a particular social skill and common courtesy not so common anymore. It's therefore unsurprising that so many people apparently don't recognise it for what it is.

She probably doesn’t give two hoots about your plans for the future but was just making polite conversation. Damn civilized society, expecting people to make polite conversation and not just stand in awkward silence!

What you deem as small talk may well differ from somebody else's idea of it.

It is a bit intrusive I think to ask that yes.

On a side note, I find it a bit upsetting when people post on social media that they have had a baby and it has now "completed their family". Like...do I have an incomplete family because I only have one child? It just feels like a bit of a gut wrench when I read that. Families are all shapes and sizes.

Well no, as if you only wanted 1 child, you have of course also completed your family! A family is 'complete' when you have the number of children you hoped for, whatever that number may be.

It's a rude question and not one that deserves a real answer, just mumble something about not being sure yet and change the subject.

I don't like conversations about jobs or finances either. Politics and religion I don't mind as most people are open about that. But really the only small talk necessary at school gates should be about the weather or school events or procedures. You are only there for 5 mins max so you don't need to pass too much time.

I'd always hoped for more, thats why its sad for me. But I hear what you're saying.

Clearly.

Why did you assume she wanted one child?

This is what I mean, you have no clue what’s upsetting for other people who just stick to talking about the weather with people you don’t know well!

I agree with you and actually even if a couple don’t want a child or can’t have a child, they’re still a family.

Family is a relative term, I see my best friend as family. She comes to all my family events.