To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

I think mums at playgroups/school tend to be a bit more open with each other because of the context. It’s totally different environment to say meeting someone at work.

I probably wouldn’t ask this question now because I’ve had miscarriages trying for my second child. Before that I probably would have asked a question like this not thinking. I agree she doesn’t actually care, it’s conversation.

To her, she's making inane small talk; to you, she's being invasive. You're different people with different understandings of appropriate conversation. All you have to do is be noncommittal. Just say 'I'm not thinking about that right now' and that's it! You're tired and grumpy, don't let other people's norms wind you up so much.

You have too much time on your hands to get worked up about something someone has said, in passing!

I've also had multiple miscarriages and pregnancy struggles, you'll actually find you're not alone in this, if you stop micro managing what people are allowed to say to you. She asked a simple question, making conversation.

No, it’s not OP, I think it’s people like you and others on this thread thinking it’s ok to ask personal questions that you shouldn’t.

You never know what someone’s going through so just don’t ask.

It’s totally different environment to say meeting someone at work.

More likely that you know there would be repercussions if you asked the wrong person at work, whereas bothering a school mum seems unimportant.

It's people like YOU that think we should never go outside incase somebody should dare make conversation. I'm guessing you are a millennial snowflake perhaps?

Would you ask your pregnant female boss if she was planning to have a fourth child whilst she’s heavily pregnant with her third?

Don’t see why not. Can easily imagine it in a lighthearted “So, will you be done and dusted after this one then?”

You know that the answer doesn’t matter, right?

Ageist too, eh? What a surprise.

Go to bed with that "millennial snowflake" BS🙄

Just the fact that you’re considering how to ask the question without causing offence shows you wouldn’t ask your boss.

What are you blathering about? I wouldn’t have to ask the question for any reason other than small talk because I wouldn’t care what her plans were.

It’s weird that you and others are so concerned about small talk to be polite and yet come on here saying rude things like ‘What are you blathering on about’ and ‘millennial snowflake’.

I think the issue is perhaps you don’t really know how to make conversation.

I understand. When I was pregnant with twins people asking whether they were IVF used to drive me mad - they weren't but none of your bloody business. I usually just laughed but was seething inside. We had experienced miscarriages previously. I think if you have had any sort of fertility issues these conversations can feel very loaded and intrusive. Mostly people are just making small talk and are oblivious to the fact that these questions will be upsetting for some.

I think there is a big difference between asking a very obviously pregnant (with her third child) woman whether she would like a big family, and asking a childless person whether they want children. She wasn't asking you to detail your contraceptive plans, it was literally a "do you want loads of children seeing as you're already well on the way" question. Lots of women shout from the rooftops that they're never doing it again, so I'm sure she expected a similar response. It's just conversation.

It's perfectly normal small talk.

It's normal boring small talk, you're being to sensitive.

I think the issue is that you don’t know the difference between an internet forum and a social situation!

And small talk is not just about “being polite” it’s about social interaction, relationships at work and at the school gate.

I have been asked this by numerous mums on the school run making small talk. I have never felt offended by it tbh. I take it as them just making time pass conversation. It's not that serious.

Yes this. And then there would be an Op from someone saying " I'm pregnant. No one is talking to me. Why are they being so odd ?"
Honestly Op everyone is just living their lives. They don't care about your life half as much as you think....or ,in fact,at all. Its just flannel to politely fill the time. They will have dumped the interaction from their brain before they've left the gates. You should do the same.

I don't think it's an overly personal question at all. I often had other mums asking me if my daughter was an only child and was I planning any more. I didn't find it offensive at all and realised that it was just someone who didn't know me well trying to make conversation while we were waiting for our children. I don't see it as any more intrusive as asking another mother you find yourself waiting next to whether they work, what work they do, etc. It makes the wait much more pleasant than standing stony faced on your own.

That is very clearly an intrusive personal question though. Surely you can see the difference?

Think using one's boss as a conversational guage is off the mark. Most people's relationship with their boss is unique in that it isn't equal. There is a degree of formality as to how they communicate with them. One has authority over the other.
Not so a school mum...it's a purely social endeavor between equals.
I don't think you can use it as an example.
There are a lot of things I wouldn't say to my boss.

This

It would be odd to randomly ask someone you don't speak to much any of these questions (bar the weather one)... the reason the OP got asked a pregnancy/family related one was as she is obviously expecting and therefore it's an "opener" for a chat.

I mean you could ask "do you have a pet?" to someone whose dog has just died and unwittingly upset them, so perhaps that should be another topic that's off limits just in case?

@JudgieJudie

It's people like YOU that think we should never go outside incase somebody should dare make conversation. I'm guessing you are a millennial snowflake perhaps?

It’s really not the same thing. I loathe the stuff about people who “hate people” and the current trend for rebranding grumpy people as “introverts”. Hate it with a passion. I am a garrulous and chatty sort and I think we need more social contact not less.

But I wouldn’t in a million years ask a woman about baby plans. It’s just rude and tactless.