To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

It is quite personal but I find a lot of people ask personal questions. I've got 5 boys so I get lots of questions about whether I will "keep trying for a girl" even though I'm 42 and my youngest is 10 so you would think most people would realise we weren't going to have anymore. I wasn't even trying for a girl anyway, I was trying for a baby each time. I wanted 4 children and so that's what I tried for. And I was lucky enough to end up with ds5 as well who was conceived while dh was waiting for a vasectomy!

She’s just making a conversation. Park up your own demons OP.

Why do northerners always need to announce they’re northerners.

Also to you "have you set up the nursery yet?" is non-invasive. To me it's just as awkward as are you planning any more. My partner set up my daughter's bed whilst I was in hospital waiting to have her, but nobody asking that question wants to hear "well no because until the baby arrives safely we can't feel sure we're actually going to get to bring one home this time!"

Technically it’s none of her business but it’s hardly invasive/intrusive/offensive or any other hyperbole people have been using.

It wasn’t really a question about family planning was it, she didn’t ask if you’d thought about the pill or the coil for afterwards.

Having had losses and complications I understand not asking people without children to hurry up and have babies but this is hardly in the same league.

You don’t have to divulge personal or medical information or whatever just a “not thought that far ahead yet” or “we’ll see how we feel when this one gets here” will suffice. I don’t even see that “well we’d always wanted three actually but who knows” is that exposing anyway but then I’m possibly an over sharer judging by this thread.

As an aside, having been treated for social anxiety in the past threads like this make me feel like my fear that all my social interactions were being harshly judged maybe wasn’t all that irrational.

It would be something extremely tactless to ask someone with only one child, as it may be that they would have liked another and can't. And everyone needs to know that it's not something to ask anyone childless. However it doesn't seem too offensive when there is a second on the way, and I'm sure "Who knows?" and changing the subject would be fine.

When I see threads like this, it makes me anxious about starting any conversation with anyone, lest I say something that will offend. Even "cute kid related topics" run the risk of someone taking it the wrong way. Perhaps that's why the British talk so much about the weather. However talking about the weather doesn't tend to lead to friendship...

I would have found "have you found out the sex?" awkward, as we did but we didn't want to tell anyone else, but I'd have batted it away and changed the subject. And "how are you feeling" could be hard for someone who is currently dreading coping with a newborn. One person's "safe" question can easily be another's problem. I think the thing is not to feel you have to answer exactly what is asked, and be ready with something else to talk about.

Absolute snowflake ❄️

The obvious response is a light hearted, 'Give me a chance to get this one out, Mary! What about you? Are you thinking about another bite at the cherry?'

Exactly just deflect it with a joke, that’s what I do if I don’t want to divulge too much

There are people who happily share their news & problems, even with relative strangers. The same people when given the chance are usually excellent listeners. I would definitely describe myself as a sharer but prefer face to face. Interestingly I can be with someone for 10mins & suddenly I get their life story. I love that but in all fairness not everyone feels the same.

She doesn’t give two hoots whether you’re having another child or not, she was just making conversation. You’re response was perfect.

Maybe you're right. I try to avoid asking about sensitive topics so if the general consensus is that these are sensitive then yes I'd avoid them.

Having thought about it a bit more I might not ask the gender question. Family size is a large life question in my opinion, what I put in my child's bedroom isn't.

Good point. To be fair I haven't asked anyone that question who wasn't a close friend.

Getting their life story is fine by me if they want to share it. Not an issue at all. I don't want to stop anyone from sharing what they want to.

But if I don't know them really well or I'm in a forced situation - for example colleagues, who I can't avoid because I work with them, or people I have to see every day at the school gates whether I want to or not - I expect a kind of minimal respect of personal boundaries in these situations.

You sound very balanced OP. It's when it becomes extreme then people are often described as ' standoffish' I actially get anxious in their company 😅

She is just making conversation. It's you that being weird about it

I really am surprised so many people think it’s fine to ask a woman you hardly know about this type of thing! A friend or family member is different but a school gate acquaintance jumping in with that is a bit too familiar IMO. You don’t know the challenges people have faced to have their family, for some it isn’t idle chitchat and it’s kinder to just steer clear. Lots to chat about if you see someone you vaguely know is visibly pregnant, that isn’t ’so tell me your future family planning’!!!!!

No, this is also an insensitive question.

We have time to say it because we aren't commuting two hours a day.

To you maybe, to me it's not. I struggled for 10 years to add to my family and often got asked if I was going to have another. I thought it a perfectly reasonable question and wasn't offended at all.

Maybe not you but secondary infertility is an issue for many, I would never ask if someone is having another.

The amount of personal information shared at our school gates would horrify you I think OP.

Perhaps just a little over sensitive. I wouldn't think much of it.

Perhaps if more people talked about it, people would become more open and the subject would be less taboo.

Nothing wrong in my eyes in asking if somebody is "hoping" to have more. More children aren't a given for anybody, even if they haven't previously struggled.

@Tellysavelas and @BippityBopper are clearly paid up badge wearing Millennials 😂😂😂

If it’s the first time that person has asked you a personal question like that- then it may not be that they are being nosy - it may just be that they are a poor conversationalist and were trying to be friendly with something more than talking about the weather or when you are due etc!

They may even be debating whether to have another child themselves and so your bump put the question into their heads. People also tend to think everyone is like themselves and if she would be fine answering that question, she likely assumes others are too.

If this person has asked you questions you consider invasive before - and you’ve had to give them the brush-off and they haven’t learned from it, then YANBU.

But if not, then gently I think YABU - I’ve had to learn to give a breezy “No idea at the moment” (I had to have IVF) as ime as soon as you have had any children, other women often ask if you are planning more. Anything to do with kids seems to count as polite “Mum” conversation- it’s not like politics, religion etc.