DH called me a pathetic b****

[Piouspenny]

Our neighbours sent some cupcakes with my son when he returned from a play date. . Unfortunately, they weren't particularly nice so I threw them away; DS and DH aren't particularly fond of cakes so wouldn't have eaten them.

I mentioned this to DS in passing when he asked where the cupcakes were. A few days later, when over their house, he told the neighbours that I threw them away.

It's caused some friction with the neighbours and they have made it clear DS is no longer welcome at their house, which has left him feeling very upset.

DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things.

I know I shouldn't have said anything but I think swearing and being abusive isn't acceptable.

If I was told by a child that their mother had thrown away my gift of homemade food I would honestly just laugh to myself and never mention it. If you choose to give people a gift it’s theirs to do what they want with…maybe they don’t like eating food made in other homes, maybe they don’t like it or have conflicting dietary requirements. Once you have handed it over it’s none of the gifter’s business. Now if your son had said it in a very rude, aggressive or taunting way that could be different, but presumably they would have explained that.

Your DH should not have called you that though, that sounds like he has an ongoing issue with resentment or anger that is a whole other story.

An earthqake ?

The fact you haven't said why you told your son or how old he is suggests you are a complainer/negative person which is hard to live with. However, your DH shouldn't be calling you names.

Exactly

@Here4thechocs son told them, not DH

Whilst your husband should not have spoken to you or anyone like that, I am sorry, but throwing some cup cakes away and telling your son that you had done is awful! You were rude and I am not surprised your neighbours have taken the humph!

Ok, so the cakes weren't nice but couldn't you have accepted them in good grace & disposed of them discreetly? They were given in good faith so you were bad mannered in the way you handled the situation.

You mentioned that your mum is similar & your dh doesn't want his kids picking this up. Maybe he has a point although he shouldn't have called you names. Looks like both of you need to learn some effective social communication skills.

Well maybe she is - we don’t know her or her personality 🤷‍♀️ not saying it’s nice but now it’s impacting his son, it might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for her DH. In fact her last reply only being about the cupcakes not being nice says a lot.

Yes, this. Why would you tell him? Besides, the kid presumably wanted one. Weird all around.

There are no circumstances where my husband would call me a bitch. He especially wouldn't call me a bitch because of weird neighbour reactions. We are a team - he's my number one support and biggest fan and I his. Maybe consider binning the husband alongside the crap cupcakes.

Also - learn to fib to your children, a little white lie does no harm every now and again and can save blushes all round.

Well maybe she is

And maybe the cupcakes really were shite? 🤷‍♀️

I’d be more concerned with them learning that it’s ok to call your partner nasty names every time you get annoyed with each other.

Look, you could be one of those hugely negative people who have never got a nice word to say about anyone. And that must be bloody awful to live with if you are. But if that’s the case, then he either asks you to adjust your attitude with counselling or he leaves you. Calling you names is unacceptable and will cause just as much damage to your DC as listening to you be horrible about everyone. Neither of you sound like you’re aware of what your children are watching.

Sounds like none of you are able to think before you speak/act. You told DS the cakes were horrible - unnecessary and tactless. Husband called you a bitch - rude and nasty, even if that was what he thought in the moment he should have kept his mouth shut. DS told neighbours you didn't like the cakes. Again, tactless but he's only little and hasn't exactly got good role models when it comes to diplomacy.

I think there’s a lesson to be learned about the cakes and one about your husband too. It was mean to bin them and horrible to call you a bitch. With this and your ds being banned, there’s a lot of drama all round.

Does he have form for swearing at you?

When my son was around seven years old he was upset because the boy next door was being mean to him. He was really upset so I explained to him that it wasn’t his fault, the boy was unhappy because his dad was an alcoholic and sometimes not nice to be around. Some time later I was around their house when the dad turned up (he didn’t live there) and the boys were upstairs playing. Next thing I know the boy comes running downstairs and asks his dad if he’s an alcoholic! I have never felt so mortified.

Their son told them not the husband. Now neighbours are upset and don't want the boy to come over to play again.

I feel sorry for your son all round. You were rude and sound mean from your comments on the cupcake and you telling him you binned them without a care that your son probably wants one because he asked or that he will tell the neighbour, seems you want the neighbour to know because I don’t know why you’ll tell him.
As for your husband, he was out of order to call you names even if he did it in private.
Both of you are wrong and I hope your son does not start losing out for your lack of tact

IMO Your deciding they were not nice and chucking them without asking is controlling. They were given to your son.

You created an awkward situation for your family,

You can apologise to everyone. You can white lie to your neighbor that you an accidentally got kitchen spray in them, or dropped. And you really appreciate the gift and so sorry about the misunderstanding, maybe bring her small plant.
Apologise to your family & they should apologise back.

Sorry but I find your behaviour strange and wonder if your DH has a point about over critical reactions, though he has effectively lost the fight by calling you a name. I am not usually someone who sides with the DH on MN.

If I had been given cupcakes I didn’t like, I would have left them for DS or DH to sample and or finish, knowing that personal tastes do vary. I would have only thrown out the cakes once they got stale, no one had eaten them or if they had mould. It sounds like DS never got to taste them or at least finish them off? I definitely would not have told DS the literal truth. I assume he is quite young and hasn’t yet learned adult level social skills in which discretion is applied? Poor kid. I would at least assure him that you are to blame and it’s not his fault the neighbours are not speaking to you anymore.

I’d be more concerned with them learning that it’s ok to call your partner nasty names every time you get annoyed with each other

Exactly. All these comments saying the OP is bad for throwing away a few cakes - obviously it’s not great the neighbours know she chucked them but if it was a child who told them then it wasn’t really deliberate rudeness (if we assume the child is quite young).

And yet calling your partner a bitch is not quite as bad somehow. Certainly no worse 🤔

You say you "mentioned this in passing to your son". What exactly dud you say

As for your husband, he was out of order to call you names even if he did it in private

What difference does that make?

Well, clearly he shouldn't have called you a bitch, even in private. I take it your son did not witness that?

But honestly, the dismissive negativity would get to me, too. You unilaterally and arbitrarily decided that the cupcakes weren't "nice" - did your husband or son even get a chance to accept or reject them?

And instead of putting them up somewhere and then discreetly tossing in a couple of days, you were frank about it and even told your son. What did you think was going to happen?

Now your husband and son need to deal with the ongoing fallout and the unpleasant neighbour relations. Because you couldn't think of a less harsh way to deal with the situation, or at least lie and tell your son that you ate them?

Again, the name-calling is not on, but I see where his frustration is coming from. It's not just you who will bear the consequences.

Agree. I don’t know why people do this. Start a thread and then give half a story so it looks like they are innocent. Just don’t start the thread.

clearly there is a back story here, and the child told the neighbours more than just his mother threw the cakes out.

and I’d bet good money that whatever she did, is why her husband called her a pathetic bitch, still unacceptable, but quite frankly she might have been

I probably wouldn't have called you pathetic b. But would have at least queried if you are an idiot.

So you throw your son's cupcakes in the bin that were given by the neighbours because 'they weren't nice'.
And then you go and tell a CHILD you binned them?

I think you do more of these type of things in other situations and your DH just had enough 🙄