DH called me a pathetic b****

[Piouspenny]

Our neighbours sent some cupcakes with my son when he returned from a play date. . Unfortunately, they weren't particularly nice so I threw them away; DS and DH aren't particularly fond of cakes so wouldn't have eaten them.

I mentioned this to DS in passing when he asked where the cupcakes were. A few days later, when over their house, he told the neighbours that I threw them away.

It's caused some friction with the neighbours and they have made it clear DS is no longer welcome at their house, which has left him feeling very upset.

DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things.

I know I shouldn't have said anything but I think swearing and being abusive isn't acceptable.

You all need to think before you speak!
You haven't said how old DS is, but " out of the mouth of babes" springs to mind.
DH is nasty for calling you names
You should have left the cakes for DH and DS to taste and kept quiet.

This is what I thought. They really can't have been that had.

He was rude but it sounds like something has been building in him for a while about your negativity and criticisms. That can be hard to live with.

I can’t understand why you told your DS you threw away the cupcakes. You obviously said it in a negative way or told him they were horrible, did you really not expect that would get back to the neighbours?

First, you’ve been bravely honest. I admire that.

Second, I have some sympathy for your DH’s view. It’s not nice to be overly judgemental, critical or dismissive of people, especially when they’re being kind to you. It often is learned behaviour. And there is a risk it can be passed on another generation. IMHO the lesson for your DS was how kind the neighbours were to invite him over and send you all cupcakes, and how you should all at least share one, cut into smaller pieces, out of appreciation. I’ve given all sorts of weird and wonderful foodstuffs a try on my travels if people have offered it to me as a gesture of friendliness. Your DS is now feeling the brunt of your neighbours feeling disrespected and hurt.

Third, your DH has waved a red flag calling you a b**ch, even during a heated argument. It’s abusive. It’s misogynistic. It’s disrespectful. And in that sense also hypocritical, if he’s urging you to be kinder. If you don’t get a profound and unprompted apology for that, I’d be concerned. But IMHO would help if you recognised his concerns too and apologised for the impact on your DS. Though perhaps you might have already.

Is your husband one of those idiots/simpletons that perceives many types of observation as criticism? I cannot stand that kind of black and white thinking. Saying “The cupcakes weren’t very good” is not some sort of harsh, mean criticism. It’s just an observation. It’s also your opinion, which you are entitled to and which he doesn’t get to silence.

Obviously don’t say it in front of your child though. Especially if he is still of the age where he blurts out everything he hears.

Well, the blame dies lie squarely with you and you should accept that. You could have let your DH and DS find out the hard way that they weren't nice.

But what you shouldn't accept is the way your husband spoke to you. The cupcake incident is minor compared to that. He was way out of line there.

There was a self-help book once called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff", which seems apposite here.

Can’t you cover your arse with the neighbours? Say there was a misunderstanding, and you threw them because your family are cutting down on sugar or dieting etc and they went stale after a few days? God knows why you told him the truth, though! Your DH is out of order with his reaction and abuse.

How ungrateful binning the cakes.

I'm getting the feeling - through the ether - that the OP is an 'I tell it like it is' type. And as threads on here often discuss, that can easily mean 'rude'.

I'm not condoning the DH's language, but I wonder if that's what he's complaining about and that's what her mum is like too. She wasn't prepared to lie to DS, she had to tell it straight. And then is surprised when DS repeats it in all innocence. (OP says this was after a playdate so I'm guessing DS isn't very old.)

he thinks I am too critical about everything, and should just keep my mouth shut. Just not say anything negative about anyone.

Does he really think you should never say anything negative, or is that hyperbole on your part OP? Or is he saying that crticism and negativity shouldn't always be your starting point?

Your son is old enough to understand that the neighbours feelings would be hurt if he told them the cakes were thrown away.

How old is he then @MissSkegness1951?

How controlling to throw away food made for someone else, because you don't deem it to be worthy!

I just can't get my head around why you wouldn't let them try them for themselves, what harm would they have done sat on the side for a couple of days?

@Teanbiscuits33 Yeah, I’d arse-cover with the neighbours too. In the interest of street relations. It’s best to get on with neighbours and no point falling out over cupcakes.

But as a PP said, the neighbours sound a bit uptight too. Your DS must only be little if going on play dates. I’d laugh if a kid blurted out his mum had thrown the cakes. I’d actually be mortified for her that he’d blown the gaff. I wouldn’t be offended as I wouldn’t want them back. And I wouldn’t assume they’d been thrown to offend me. Some people don’t/can’t eat cake.

Next time, show appreciation, try some with your DS, then if you really don’t want to eat any more, leave them til they go off, then ask your DH if he’s going to bin them.

Or better ‘I took them into work and my colleagues ate them’

I don't like the use of the word "bitch", being of the view that it is inherently misogynistic, although I know from past threads that isn't close a universal view on here, let alone in the wider world.

I would, however, be interested to hear his side of this. It sounds as though (1) your son would have eaten at least some of the cakes had you not decided to throw them straight in the bin, and (2) you have form for being unnecessarily negative about others, which he was worried would rub off on your child.

Unfortunately, it does sound as though your son has taken your lead and has now said an unkind thing to a generous person, causing them considerable upset - precisely what your husband feared.

I also think it makes a difference whether your husband has just called you a bitch as a general insult, compared to "why do you have to be such a bitch about other people?" Again, I don't like the word so don't like either usage but if it was used to question why you have a tendency to be unnecessarily mean or rude about others, particularly those who have done something nice, then it makes a degree of contextual sense.

And I do feel that, rather than meaningfully reflecting on your own behavior and how it has affected your child, you're now just focusing on your DH's language use to deflect.

I'm not sure the son has said anything 'unkind' to the neighbours, in all likelihood they could have asked if he liked the cupcakes and he could have done what a lot of kids do and thoughtlessly told them the truth. 'I didn't get one, my mum said they weren't very nice so she threw them away'.

I feel like the OP has orchestrated this situation, in doing something completely unnecessary and spiteful (throwing them away), then unnecessarily telling the son about it (which is mean in itself), knowing he may inadvertently relay that back to the neighbours, who have then punished him, then she plays the victim when her husband loses his rag about it happening time and time again.

I've known a couple of people like OP who will do things out of spite, or purposely say things to cause drama or offence and then act innocent and pretend they had no idea of what they've done or said.. then try and lay it on thick about people picking on them..

They aren't very nice people and it wears incredibly thin.

Well, the son has said something unkind, but perhaps not with unkind intention. Either he is old enough to know his words were hurtful and is following his mother's poor example, or he is "no filter" repeating unkind things his mother has said.

Otherwise, I'd be unsurprised is your post has hit the nail on the head and I do see OP as very much the real problem here, not her DH.

Whether the cause were any good is really beside the point. OP acted appallingly by throwing them away and then doubled down on her awfulness by telling her son.

I bet the son wanted to out her for her bad behaviour.

👌

Did you argue with the neighbours?

Was dh reaction after openly falling out with them?
If so then sounds like a natural reaction to somthing that could have been avoided .
He didn't need to swear. Had you swore or got angry?
If you didn't like them then just don't eat them. And tell your son to say they were very nice and thank you . If he was ever asked.
It's very simple.
Did you chuck them away without checking if anyone else wanted one ? And your dh thinking you are being a bit controlling?
So falling out with neighbours is stressful. But falling out over cake is ridiculous. It should have been avoided.

I would be so interested to hear your husband’s side of the story.

You were out of order for binning the cakes before they’d tried them - who made you the Cupcake Police?
Your husband is either a knob, or is fed up of you because you have repeated form for this - only you know which it is in this instance.
To restore neighbour relations for the sake of your son,I’d be tempted to ‘confess’ to the neighbours that you’d actually scoffed the whole lot in secret as they were actually so ‘nice’,then had to tell your family you’d binned them because you felt so guilty and a bit of a pig.
(I find this scenario difficult to comprehend though because in my house,cake would have to be unbelievably bad to get binned!)

OP, I've read your posts. Actually, you do sound like a b* and rather toxic at that. 🤷‍♀️

Looks like your DH has a point to be worried that your critical nature will pass on to the children. Your son thought nothing of criticising the cupcakes to the neighbour and now it has cost him a friendship.

If OP hadn't already posted on mumsnet this would have made sense, but there's every chance that the neighbors (who presumably also have a young child) will end up seeing the thread and it's quite identifiable.

Really the OP should take some time to reflect on her behavior and just try to be a better person, going forward, but I bet we'll get a pity party if she returns to the thread.