Twins should not be dressed the same

[Mokel]

My friend has identical twin girls - aged 3, She has never put them in the same clothing. Sometimes when buying a multipack of babygrows, t-shirts - each one wears one of these from the same pack. She is often criticised by people that she should dress them the same. First its none of their business and secondly, they may be identical in appearance but not in personality. People need to treat twins individually.

That's why I wasn't replying to you with the original comment I was replying to the poster who said it was

It's not in the school policy. It's just usual practice because it's what most parents want. There was only ever one parent who wanted to keep her twins together, which they were for 2 year, but the teachers didn't feel it was in their best interests. The mum agreed to trial a split in Year 1 and they remain in separate classes now in Year 4.

I visited three schools 7 years ago for mine and 2 of them said they would split the twins and that it was school policy. Essentially I wouldn't have a choice. I chose the other one that let me choose as a parent as I didn't want a school dictating to me why independence for 4 year olds was so important.

@fallenbranches Too late now I know but you could have had the last word on that. Ive come across a few schools myself who have this ‘policy’ but it soon goes out of the window when you get them to explain why.
The studies prove that it is not beneficial to separate them unless they or their families feel it so. They’d have to be beyond obnoxious to ignore factual data.

I think the point has been proven that people have weird ideas about twins and there’s not much you can do about it. I think mine have just accepted that they are different and don’t really care about what anyone thinks.
It doesn’t matter what they wear. They’ll still be stared at and compared to one another. They’re 10 now and couldn’t care less.

Thank you. Interesting! Although yes it's too late - it's good to know that I'm not alone in thinking this and my feelings are valid because at the time I felt quite isolated. Apologies not steering the thread here but I think it connects to how on one hand people think twins should dress the same as babies or toddlers because they're twins but then at 4 years old you are told the best thing for them is to be separated. For me it was too young. I felt their bond as brothers was still growing - despite always dressed differently 🙂

@fallenbranches I hate that you were forced into that course of action. Our identical boy twins are 16 and we are discussing whether to separate them in one of their A level subject areas- the first time we- and crucially they- have felt it might be better for them to be taught apart. They still share a room at home (by choice) and have lots of interests in common. But there's no doubt they are different people with different personalities. Over the years we have resisted what has felt like lazy assumptions by schools that they should be separated when it's been clear to us that they draw strength and comfort from one another.
Parents know their children and should be allowed to make these choices where no-one else is harmed (separating the Krays earlier might have been a good shout).

This thread has been strange to read with some dominant voices insisting their experience is universal. My twins (fraternal boys) were never dressed the same by an early decision of mine and DH, and similarly when they needed individual possessions (eg back packs, wellies, helmets) they were always different as much to do with individuality as ease of knowing whose is whose. And I can't think of a single occasion when they argued about it or wanted the other persons thing. They just had separate wardrobes of clothes and it was their stuff. Obviously different characters from other posters twins and certainly not necessarily a 'twin' thing.

I also disagree with singletons being easier - I'm sorry but my first single child was an absolute nightmare (sleeping, feeding) and I was broken and my twins then were comparatively easy. I put twins (and child 4 for that matter) in a routine and two rested, fed babies who slept pretty well were an absolute breeze compared with 1 unsettled child based on the equation that if I have had sleep then I can cope. Yes it's hard work, but because of routine I literally did everything possible at the same time and it worked fine. We had all sorts of other challenges because they were prem but I don't think there's a blanket 'twins are more difficult than single'.

I would have thought parents of twins might look at them sleeping together at 16 as being too dependent on each other. There’s bonding and then dependence. I’ve seen two elderly ladies holding hands as twins. Both with slight SEN. Still dressing the same at over 80 and living together. It just doesn’t feel they had a chance to be individuals. I guess they didn’t want anything different. Not my business of course but it looks sad.

Thanks for your concern @TizerorFizz, but my boys are fine. I don't think you would feel sad for them if you met them.

We definitely never argued for each others things, we had completely different tastes, likes & dislikes, thank goodness!
she was everything horse, and I was everything dog!

lol to the Krays 😂. Yes, agree there is a wierd 'timescale' that people put in place for twins. At 4 years old I was a bit annoyed that everyone was pushing friendship bonds but dismissing the brotherly bond that was still really important to them. I was also very communicative with the school about their development and they said they would let me know if at any time they felt they were becoming competitive in the same class or that they needed time apart. Even when in the same class they had other friends and eventually were put in separate ability classes for maths and English so they were separated when needed but then, as you say, had that comfort of having eachother near at other times. During Covid it kind of helped that they were already used to being together in class and so being thrown together at home to learn during lockdown wasn't an issue either. They were first separated in year 5 but back together for maths and English and also separated into different sports teams too. So I am happy it has been a natural process and they've really adapted well to it. Hope yours do too with the A levels.

My fraternal twins are 16 now. At times they have dressed the same and, at times, very differently.

There has always been a size difference between them which, as babies, led to many weird conversations with people - “which one is the girl?” “Neither, they are both boys.” “Are you sure?”

They wore identical school uniforms and now, at college on different campuses/courses, they are still wearing identical uniforms.

During the primary school years I steered them towards a colour each so it was easier to put the right things in the right drawers so one wore mainly red and one wore mainly blue. This was also helpful for the people who really couldn’t tell them apart (they look similar but different hair colour).

Now they do their own thing but their tastes are very similar and it’s quite funny to see one stomp back upstairs to change if they’ve accidentally twinned with one another 😂

I guess the concern is the bond never lessening and still being together at 80 plus and wearing the same clothes and living together . I was just wondering if any parent of twins thinks about this when they see it. It certainly made me wonder if parenting could have been different or whether this was true happiness. I’m really not sure and quite glad it’s not my job as a parent.

When I was little I thought that twins should have the same names 🤣

My twins knew a boy at one of their activities who was a triplet. They didn't know the other 2. We bumped into them one day and they said to me "We saw Harry. And the other two Harrys." I did tell them they weren't all called Harry.😂

My DSis are 4 years apart. My DM used to insist we dressed the same.

Let me tell you - this was as far from a non-issue as you can get. Major source of arguments between my DM and me. I know that sounds OTT - but I can still feel the rage and powerlessness I felt as a 12 year old being dressed the same as my 8 year old Dsis.

Please don't force your kids to wear the same clothes

@DPotter you're projecting.

My children are 6.5 and 2.5, neither have real opinions on their clothes yet. The eldest does sometimes tell me he doesn't like certain trousers, so he doesn't have to wear them. This is usually based on the comfort of the trousers. No problem.

I'm not forcing them to do anything at all.

I'm countering your point that dressing children the same is a non issue.

It can be.

My twins go to different schools. Have some joint friends. Like some same things. Share some clothes. And are also very different.

Just like their singleton sibling.

Zero judgement on the clothes front either way. My children all chose their own clothes to wear from the time the learnt to dress themselves- so even if there were two of the same t shirt, chances of them choosing that on the day was low.

What makes me wonder about clothes is why some twins do see dressing the same as what they want to do and others don’t. Is it parental influence or something much deeper? All dc are influenced or we would not ban certain advertising but is dressing the same learnt behaviour or something else? It’s not a requirement to buy 2 t shirts the same colour I think.

@TizerorFizz because when you are v little you get attention. Its not necessarily positive attention as it reinforces that your merit is being part of a duo. Parents also get attention as referenced earlier in the thread which is the compensation for the undoubted hard work twins are.. but my mum said twins were hard when they are tiny but easier from about 3 as they (we) entertain each other.

@Perplexed20 So dc who still dress the same at 10, 20 etc are still wanting attention? This then might apply to school, clubs, uni, interests etc. so surely at some stage the parents are not involved? So identical dressing and making identical choices becomes a life style choice? In that the parents are no longer influencing. I suppose what I’m wondering is why some twins are making very different choices as individuals but others very much don’t. My friends twins went to different secondary schools but went to the same uni and now live in the same town. Obviously other siblings do that but my friend did have clear views on individuality and took steps to reinforce it.

@TizerorFizz The bond my twins have is incomprehensible to those who don’t witness it first hand. It’s not reliance, they function perfectly well apart, but they just connect in a way that is very deep rooted. I cannot influence that one way or another and why would I. It started before they were born.
At 39 weeks pregnant, when there was still no sign of them, I had to be monitored every day. By that point I couldn’t distinguish who was moving so we relied upon heart tracing. Useless because their heartbeats were in sync. After a poke there would be a momentary change to let us know both were there but it would just go straight back into one trace.

Human beings are supposed to be born alone. When they aren’t they have a different experience of life and that’s just the way it is. I can’t see why you would consider it sad that two eighty year olds were inseparable. You wouldn’t think that of a couple. An elderly pair of eccentric twins who have been each other's soul mates from birth would warm my heart rather than induce pity. Where is the harm?
This is all part of the intense scrutiny twins face their whole lives. It’s really not fair.

@Opine , beautiful.

I guess the “harm” is being unable to function alone. I take the point on some married couples although most don’t dress identically. I’m just finding this fascinating and something I hadn’t thought about very much. My DDs never had twins in their class (although 1 set at nursery) so I’ve not really looked at others in detail other then my friends’ dc.