Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Can uour partner pick up the slack with cooking and cleaning ?
If he gets arsey about it tough he has to do his share .
Can your dcs drop one of the other hobbies ( you seem to imply they have several)

Yes I do think you're unreasonable. You've allowed them to pursue these interests, you can't expect them to quit now that it doesn't suit your agenda! What is that teaching them? I say this as a completely lone parent who dedicates hours to my childrens hobby, 0530 starts and often not home until 8pm.

My life was like this for about 15 years.

Then my eldest learnt to drive.

On the plus side they were so busy as teens we had no drugs or alcohol issues.

Can you drop them at the activities, and then your husband picks them up and (crucially) does the whole shower/bedtime malarkey? That way you're "off duty" from the moment you drop them at their activity, a couple of times a week at least.

Sometime no is the only answer to make things work. How many hobbies? Age? Could they go on their own?

So DC do hobbies every evening? And your partner picks up twice and has 4 evenings free from 5pm? Can't DP pick up every evening? You are working then because you did all the school runs so that seems fair and you get less driving about time. Any friends whose DC do the same hobby and could help/share lifts to hobbies?

They're your children, I cannot imagine stopping my children doing activities they love tbh. It wont last forever.

You don’t mention their ages op, but my teens are now requiring me or dh to collect them from hobbies ending at 8, 8.30, or 9pm. So you need to decide how much of a deal breaker this is, as if they’re genuinely committed it could go way later as they get older. 2 nights a week I am out from 8am to 9pm, with a grabbed sandwich for lunch and dinner. This is how it is. If it bothered me that much I would have to discuss with the kids and agree to drop something. Better to do that when they’re younger and have put in less time and effort, imo.

Can you lift share with anyone? Can DP do the bedtime routine while you veg out for a bit? X

Can you afford to pay for help? You could get an after school nanny type arrangement to do drops offs / picks ups. Or say to your partner, I'm willing to do 50% of the time and I expect you to organise the other 50% even if it's not you doing the picking up.
Or can you club together with other parents...I'll do Mondays pick up and drop off if you do Tuesdays...?
You're not being unreasonable to want more downtime, but it is nice for them to do the hobbies they love so would be good if you could find a way to make it work for everyone.

Are there any other families that you can share lifts with? I think dropping activities should be the absolute last resort.

How old are dc?

How many hobbies?

How many days out of the house?

Run down of the week might help understand things a bit more

You have four school pick ups so at least four children. Of course you're going to spend a lot of time taking them places when they're young. They can't be expected to have no hobbies because they have lots of siblings.

Just work on giving them the right tools so they can use public transport alone when they're old enough. Make sure they can plan a journey and figure out what to do if something changes and they get lost.

As an aside, what is it with these threads that avoid any he/she pronouns? I've never met anybody who refers to all family members as "they."

Ages would be helpful as my immediate thought was could the kids get themselves to and from school themselves?

This is life with kids. Downtime is a rarity.

i would look for ways for your partner to take on some of your tasks if they are getting more relaxation time, the split is unfair.

Yep, very unreasonable.
Do get that it's tiring though, but it won't last forever.

I agree with the other posters, it's hard to say no when they are doing something they love and are good at it. I would continue, because not sitting down as early as you would like in the evening seems to come with being a parent.

List out the clubs and tell them to pick one to drop. You’ll end up sick if you have no downtime.
you don’t have to be a martyr, just tell them to pick something to shelve.

You can at least leave your DH to put them to bed whilst you chill and eat.

When are your DC eating?

The problem is I didn't start them at the hobby that requires the most commitment dh did. I did make it clear that whatever needed doing for this hobby was his responsibility but that became impossible when they stated training before he had finished work.
My dc are mid primary age.

My dh can't pick up more of the running around because hobbies start before 5pm when he gets home. He does do pick ups but I also do them because dc are at different places. He also can't do school runs as again he's at work.

I do school runs and hobby runs around my work which means I will work in the evenings to catch up. I realise I'm fortunate to have that option.

No other parents to help out as they all come from different directions and we live rurally,

I would say your children have been very fortune this far but life dictates that you can't do this much longer. That each child gets one activity at the weekend and that's it.

That's life for many many children, please don't feel guilty. Kids get a very enhanced lifestyle now, they'll survive.

I honestly couldn't live like this. This is a fast route to burnout and then everyone suffers anyway. He either steps up, pay someone to help or kids don't go. It's no life at all never being at home.

I'm missing why it is you doing all the accommodating...if DH is home by 5 why can't he do more?
Are there other options? Eg they go classes nearer, they go by bus themselves, you arrange lift shares. Can you drop and run ( to a cafe or pub or class for yourself)?
I also don't quite follow your compressed hours ...you start late and finish late, that doesn't sound compressed, but it does sound squeezed if you have to fit in school pickups. Does that mean you don't get a lunch break either?
Sounds like DH needs to pick up some more of the strain, or you pay for help.

Can you throw money at it? Either jn terms of cleaning/food prep stuff so that's off your hands. Or as someone say an after school nanny a couple of days who will drive to drop off and picks up.

Well you need to pass the problem back to him to resolve.