Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Your DH needs to do more.
keep the hobbies going, agree with pp it will keep them busy as teens. As soon as one of them drives your life will improve dramatically!
the problem is your DH not helping enough. Alternatively- can you share lifts with any other parents? Buses? Even a taxi once a week would give you a bit more time even if it costs.

Could you move into town? Living rurally always means mum and dad have to be taxi, as there is no other options. But in town there are buses/real taxis
....

God, I read posts like this and I'm so glad my two just did the usual swimming lessons, cubs/scouts, youth club, meeting friends, etc. I'm definitely not cut out to spend all my free time in the car not having an hour to myself.

Let dd do the national level sport - and skip dance or music.
No child needs to do national sport level, dance and music classes.

Let dd do the national level sport - and skip dance or music.
No child needs to do national sport level, dance and music classes.

Not only do you need down time, the children do too. They need unstructured time after school to decompress, relax, play.
I'd definitely have both drop 1 activity - they are only children for such a small time, they don't need to be rushed off their feet. If they've got one activity they are strong in, then do that one and maybe 1 other that only has a small time commitment.

You say DH can't change hours but does standard 8-5 office. Has he asked? There aren't that many dinosaur workplaces nowadays that require butts on chairs til the last minute.

When my children hit high school age, I made them drop all extra curriculars for the first term. My rationale was that I wanted them to fully focus on building routines and homework. From then onwards, they were allowed two evening activities, and nothing that finished after 7.30pm until they were 14. I didn't"t worry about them having too much time on their hands, as they had to do two hours of schoolwork a night. If none was set by the school, I set it.
However good they were at an activity, school comes first. With that in mind, I would be tempted to knock the sport on the head now, however good they are. It will be a lot more painless to do it when they are younger than to have battles about it later.

I definitely wouldn't do any of this.

I slogged for years. Slowly things got dropped. They all still play sport at uni, they are healthy and active and we have some great memories.

User147 above brings a good point although I take a different perspective.

Are your children academic? Going to school everyday when you aren't can be awful, having something outside of school that you are good at and are confident at is an absolute life saver.

In terms of your autistic child just be aware that she'll need more time to decompress as she moves to secondary school.

Your DH clearly needs to be doing more. Picks ups that happen after 5pm, cooking and cleaning, getting people to bed so that your evening can begin before they are asleep.

Lofs of options for him to take the stress off you.

When I stayed reading i thought you were going to be a single parent and then realised there’s a DH in all this!

OP,you sound exhausted. You might get ill, or die early from all this hassle.

Your husband needs to flex his hours, he needs to talk to his boss about it. Then he can do either drop offs or pickups.

50/50, please look after yourself 🙏

If you can't liftshare with other parents and DH can't step up due to working hours I would say it's reasonable to ask each child to give up one activity each. You need time for family time at home too.

Mine does quite a few hobbies but he gets himself to them and back as he has a yearly bus pass.

How old are your children?

The breakfast club idea sounds reasonable.

Die early??!?

Most of my kids are grown up now. I've been doing this parenting thing for a long time. I've seen it all. My prediction is that they're not going to the olympics, they're not playing in the premier league, they won't go to Wimbledon and whatever it is, they'll give it up by their mid teens. Don't run yourself into an early grave trying to facilitate it.

When you all look back at these years it'll be the relaxed family time that you will all look back fondly on, not the stressed out hours driving from activity to activity.

Your partner needs to do more.

I don’t think that your DH can’t change his hours at work to help more. I think he is choosing not to do this.

Prioritise family time and your mental health every time

How many children do you have?
How many hobbies does each of them do?
Is there no way your DH can add some flexibility into his job - even if it's just one day a week to collect from school and take them to the hobby he suggested?
Does the school offer clubs at the end of the school day that they could do instead of some of the other hobbies? If they both did club after school at the same time it'd be no extra work.

Can you drop them off and DH collect? We were in much the same situation, but once DC started secondary, we also said she had to get herself to her clubs. This means we only collect her now (although DH reckons she could come home alone, I think she's too young). DC1 takes himself and comes home alone for a couple of years now. I still do all the national weekend runs though.

if you put a time limit on it, it's easier. Look to DC getting themselves to their activities alone around Easter of Yr 6. It'll seem easier if you have a plan of when it ends.

Indeed - if he can't help with the running around he can be making dinner and cleaning the house and other stuff

Also think about how to fit "you" time into the running around - sit in the car with a great book or ur knitting or go with your running shoes on an get a short jog whilst you wait for them - whatever would make you feel good to fit into your week

I feel your pain! I have 2 children both with different interests.

I do 8 different drop off and pick ups a week. My husband occasionally does a pick up if he makes it home from work in time.

To be honest I'm really against the notion that primary aged children need to be "training" at a hobby for hours and hours multiple times a week. For almost none of these children does it become a career.

I'm really clear with my kids, hobbies are for fun & enjoyment, to gain some skill, not to attempt to go pro. They are a leisure activity. Hobbies need to be balanced against children having time for education, with family, with friends, for playing and just down time/relaxing. That includes getting to bed at decent hour.

If the hobby is football, just remember:
98% of all players who get into a professional club academy never get a professional contract.

99.8% of those kids in academies will never play in the premier league.

Out of every 1000 lads in academies, only 2 will make it. 2.