Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Sounds similar to my life.

I also work full time, compressed hours, with a commute. Dh works full time. We also have no family around. During the week, we are constantly on the go. On my working days, I'm out of the house for 12 hours.

The way we cope is that we don't have any regular activities on a Sunday. So we don't have to rush around. And dh and I don't ever have date nights, or in fact anytime just the two of us.

I won't lie, I'm exhausted.

Can you put the kids in breakfast club so you can start earlier so your not working into the evenings

Has he got the option to flex his hours to 7-4 or 9-6 so he could help with the mornings or the evenings?

How long are the training sessions. Is there anywhere to sit? At one class DD goes too there are a number of people with laptops out doing work for an hour during the lesson.

I only have two dc. I meant that I do 4 picks ups per week.

I suppose I needed to hear that I should suck it up. I agree. I just feel permanently stressed. I think maybe addressing my diet may help as I'm anaemic.

Dh does one dc bedtime but one dc will only allow me to do bedtime as she is autistic.
Chores are shared equally.

If it’s sport and they really do have potential, it will get worse at they get older. Between my DC (13 & 15) we’re out at training 5 nights a week. On Mondays, I do 3 hrs of driving to DD’s county training. At weekends, there is either training or a fixture on both Saturdays and Sundays. It’s not unusual for me to drive from London, to Leeds/Nottingham/Birmingham/Oxford at weekends for big events. It’s just life if you’ve got sporty kids who are good at their chosen sports. If you don’t want to do it, your DC sound still quite young, better to stop it now before the commitment steps up.

In view of your last reply, DH is going to have to get some flexibility into his workday (is starting earlier a possibility?) or shell out for help.
Most families can't manage 2 or more children doing different activities at the same time without lift shares or someone having to wait. It's not the end of word if you stop accommodating this if DH can't step up, especially seeing as it was his idea.

Can you afford to go part time? If you had a day or two off a week you might be able to breathe a bit. I did very similar for my kids and it’s only since eldest learnt to drive but actually that coincided her dropping her main hobby to concentrate on her a levels! Would I do it again - no I don’t think so.

Our life was like this, then COVID happened and everything stopped. We took stock, realize we actually preferred a quieter life, DD swapped sports from swimming which was 5 nights a week & regular galas that took up all weekend. Now she plays rugby, training one night a week and Sunday morning or a match on Sunday - season runs September to May so we get the summers off to pursue other interests.

It is just me and DD, I used to sit poolside marking books or guillotining resources for lessons the next day, or sat in the car writing up assignments for my OU degree, or watching a show on tablet or reading a book with a hot drink - I quite enjoyed that part of enforced quiet time though, jn the summer I'd go for a walk along the beach nearby whilst she trained I never drove back home.

Can you give an indication of what commitment there is per hobby so we can see what variety / time each DC is getting and what would be a reasonable reduction??? Or even can you tell us what the hobby (sports I assume) is as there's other considerations.

For example, my son does cricket and I would prioritise that as an outside school activity as he can't do it at school and is unlikely to do it at secondary either.

Does school offer any after school clubs they could do instead which keeps up an interest but makes a later pick up - and then nothing else that evening?

But ultimately - I'd be OK dropping something seeing as you didn't want to do it all in the first place and DH isn't picking up the extra.

I was in your position but DH has been amazing and works very flexibly (having spoken to his manager / team to get their backing) so that he does a lot of the running around as he is the one driving a lot of the activity.

Has DH spoken to his work about being more flexible?? From what you know of his work, is it possible but he's just not willing to push it?

And agree with PP that this gets MUCH worse so you need to streamline now before they're too deep into it!!

DH needs to step up a lot more. Eg he can do all the chores

I do feel your pain, between my 2 they have a different hobby every evening and then at least one weekend morning. Due to my dh work (lates), he often cant pick up the ferrying around so I finish work at 5pm and often dont stop running around until 8.30pm so I have no advice but I also think its important kids have these opportunities if they can be facilitated and they enjoy them

I do inwardly Moan sometimes but then I am glad that they have stuck with interests as teenagers and are engaged in something positive and good for them Trouble is, both of them are in different sports teams so thats immediately one or two training sessions a week plus games in season. Add in a music instrument and the session add up when its more than one child

It’s difficult as you want them to do activities and one day you will be sad if they drop them (which mine have sadly). I don’t miss cold wet nights taking them, but if they wanted to do them again I would.
Are they doing multiple activities, are they still fairly young, is there scope for them dropping one/some, concentrating on one/few.

I have a friend who managed activities for her 5 children with very little help from her ex. 3 of her children still do the hobbies, one of them is 22 and it’s their career. I remember her complaining constantly but I don’t think she would have wanted them to drop them. It’s hard in the moment especially in the winter.
DH needs to help where he can and you need to organise you life around it more. It wont be forever.

He needs to be able to pick up the slack somewhere, be it shopping, housework etc. It's sounds like you're working, going straight to get the kids, hobbies, dinner then work again on top of housework in any spare time. It sounds extremely exhausting. Surely he can see this, something has to give and it needs to be from him. Do you need tomstay or could you drop, leave them there and he picks up on his way home. That at least gives you a couple of hours to get your work done and not go into the evening.

Ooft, fuck that. It sounds like a fast road to burnout to me. It won’t kill them to do fewer activities surely. You must be exhausted.

One of my dc now competes at national level. She is amazing. Naturally talented at this sport. We only knew about it because we took her to a class and they pulled us to one side. I'd be happy for her to continue this because she loves it and could go far. She does compete at weekends too.
Other hobbies are dance and things like uniform hobbies and instruments. There is often shows to practice for and that involves more hours and weekends.

I am happy they are so committed and good at something. I can already see one dc losing interest as she prefers to go see friends.

Part of me feels that you should not be limited to hobbies because they may become careers or you may carry it on until adulthood but part of me resents the hobbies that are just fun and a road to nowhere but take up so much time

Your days are long at the moment. But life is short. In next to no time, the elder child will pass their driving test and all of a sudden you won't be needed.

Taxis?
Sounds as though you are doing far more than your husband.

Mine are teens now but this was my life when mine were little and I don't drive so was a nightmare but I did it for the kids. My eldest is now 16 ad still does a hobby/ club twice a week but he tends to get himself there now. I do think it is important to do this for your children it literally is only for about 12/15 years or so. However MIL thinks our kids always did too much and by doing all this running around her son (myDH) was neglected - he should come before the children. MIL did everything for her husband my FIL and nothing with her kids after school no cubs, brownies, football training dance etc. Both DH and his siblings had to be in their room by 630pm or out so his parents could dance and play cards. Their relationship was very strong and she says it is because she gave her husband her full attention. Kids had their bikes and their friends!!! I have hobbies as an adult and am also quite social. DH and his siblings have no hobbies and all are quite anti social because they never got the chance to socialise out of school.

He needs to do more of the chores as you are running around. Does he at least cook dinner for everyone on the evenings he is home first?

You get sick if you suck it up.

What is the hobby?
Your DH need to step up and help work out a plan for your children.

You are sacrificing evening time that could be family time for mornings that are rarely quality time.

can you use a breakfast club /before school childminder that dh drops to, and you use your flexi time to start early then have time in the evenings. It will mean paying for before school childcare but does mean you might get the life balance back.

its not long before they are secondary age and can get buses/trains to/from activities and school. Hang in there.

Are the pick ups included so you do less others because you do more running around

I did this for about 4 years. I don't regret it at all, it does get easier.