Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Right so you have 2 dc 5-11

One is Autistic and only allows you to put to bed

I work with an autistic boy and know how hard this can be but I really would work on dad helping to put her to bed

What would happen if you had to go to hospital /away for work or just couldn't do bedtime

How would she cope ?

Dh works till 5 and can't change hours

You dash about trying to pick up from school and take to hobbies and collect

Seems to me you need to buy time
And that means paying for childcare

Whether putting into breakfast club so that dh can take them there and go onto work

Or finding an after school nanny who is happy to drive to/from clubs

Even if so for 2/3 days to ease burden for you

I often do it here. I want to maintain privacy.

It's not unreasonable at all.

Just because a child likes and is good at something doesn't mean it is possible for them to do it. There are all kinds of other constraints, other kids in the family, parents activities, money, time, etc.

It can feel like the end of the world if they don't do it now, but frankly, it isn't. They can always go back to the activity later on when they are more mobile themselves or even as adults. (And the fact is, most people don't keep up most of their childhood activities as adults. Not none, but it's more common than not.)

There is also a lot of value, which gets ignored, in being home together as a family, sitting down to dinner, and eating a reasonably healthy meal at a table. Being on the go constantly tends to correlate with poor diet and eating habits because something has to give, and often it's resorting to poorer food choices eaten in the car.

There's no need nowadays to be stuck with a set schedule like that at work, there's so many more rights for workers nowadays and he has the right to have them just like anyone else.

?
Lots of jobs require people to be available at regular hours and can't accommodate flexible schedules.

Why would you think otherwise? Do you imagine everyone works independently in an office job?

The permanently feeling stressed cannot continue, you will burn out. Or worse, as stress is the leading cause of so many other diseases and conditions. on a basic level it makes your everyday life rather miserable. Why should your health and well-being come last?? I cannot believe some posters are saying, suck it up. Why should you when your health might be at risk? You're the adult here, make the decision that the children need to drop a hobby. Your dc need a mum who's well more than they need hobbies.

I agree with this. You don't have to martyr yourself just because your kids want to do scouts and swimming and volleyball and hockey and trampolining and and and ...

It's nice at primary age to want to try things, but it doesn't need to be taken to extremes. Kids have no idea of their own limits or what's a reasonable burden for a parent to take on.

You are working hard and wanting some downtime isn't unreasonable at all.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.

No, your problem is your idiot H who signed your kids up for hobbies that he couldn’t fully commit to and then has the bare arsed cheek to object to dropping a hobby that is exhausting you. As far as I’m concerned your H is the problem.

DD dropped ballet when getting there on time because impossible. As a single parent I’ve had to make decisions for the good of the whole family and that includes it’s OG member, me.

I agree with this. I don't understand this need to overschedule children with extra curricular activities when they've been at school all day. It doesn't do anyone any favours. Children need downtime and time to "be". They need time to spend wirh family and friends too outside organised activities.

I don't agree you need to suck it up either. Being burned out and stressed does no one any favours and your children will benefit more from happier, relaxed parents than they will from their activities. Definitely limit and drop activities, children need to learn that all the needs of the family need to be met in order for the family to function well.

Why sign them up for so much in the first place?

I definitely couldn't do this, I would 100% burn out but then so would my kids as they are not cut out to have no down time, I know others are different. Having seen some friends with older teens as well, most of them have dropped all their hobbies and it does make you think, was it worth all that running around? I would keep the ones they are really good at and drop the others or make your partner do more if they really have to keep them all.

DH would share with me - if I dropped them off he picked them up. And we'd also find other parents happy to share lifts.

It does sound tiring but also really positive that your kids have hobbies they love. It really won’t be forever.

of my 3 dc have a hobby they’re into and go separately to it 5 times a week. I am a single parent although do lift share sometimes with another mum which helps, plus it’s not too far away. But I know what you mean about yo yo ing in and out of the car.

their hobby stops in school holidays and I love the holidays for that reason 😆
but then term is always only 10-12 wks so I just get through it.

Do you mean equally as in 50/50 or fairly as in you both have the same down time? Because it doesn't sound like the later and the first isn't fair at all. If you do more hobbies he needs to do more dinners and chores. Write it down, the hours you do and the hours he does and see how they compare. If he is saying it's important for the kids to do their hobbies and he can't facilitate that then he needs to pick things up in other areas before you end up burnt out.

Don't really understand why your partner can't do more pick ups if they finish at 5pm?

I think it's wonderful that your children are so committed to their hobbies. Well done for giving them this opportunity... try not to take it away...

Look OP you both made a rod for your own backs a bit here but they are mid primary and my DD15 did loads of activities then. You will pair them back anyway as they hit secondary school as they get more tired through puberty and have more homework.

I'm a lone parent, always have been so I do understand the exhaustion levels.

Your DH sounds like an arse BTW

I’m a big believer in enriching children’s experiences outside school but all this is madness - surely your work performance is affected by the fact you are running from pillar to post from 3pm onwards and regularly doing a proportion of your working day in the evening?

What about homework and support for their curriculum learning? That will need to be allowed more time as the years go by.

Do your children get time to do the other enriching things: playing with friends, board games, going on day trips, gardening, crafts…?

I suggest each child reduces down their hobbies as they reach a certain age - perhaps age 10? They will each have had the same number of years to experience it, but it will reduce your load and leave space in their lives for school work and other things as they move towards secondary school.

If there was another lockdown tomorrow, what would they miss most? What would you resume afterwards?

YABU sorry. You committed to these hobbies, it’s not fair if you stop them. My kids were like this, I was forever running them round from place to place, they were eating dinner in the car etc. But it does get easier as they get older as they will probably drop one or more activities through their own choice.

Hobbies are so good for them - they get a wider social circle, good for their, health, helps gain confidence etc. Plus it keeps them off screens and away from trouble. Keep going if you can.

DH doesn’t need change all his hours, one day would be a start.
If you take them to activities can he not pick up on his way home?

I agree your husband needs to step up - my ex worked in Engineering he said it was impossible to flex - but over time (especially during COVID) I learnt others had negotiated he just preferred not to. But It meant I developed a network of other parents and we share drop-offs and pick-ups for hobbies, parties etc and when he left there was zero adjustment required.

I agree. And it really annoys me why people can’t just say my daughter, son, husband, mother etc instead of the ridiculous DC,DS,DH, DM etc which is very distracting as you have to read it and work out who is who!😂

This is my thought. This isn't a permanent phase, your DC will eventually fly the nest and your time and energy investment will have paid off in keeping them too busy to get into mischief. My DC did quite a lot of activities, though not so intensely as yours, but it equipped them with a sense of purpose. For some we were able to share lift rotas with friends who did the same activity.

What the children do out of school time by way of hobbies should be discussed by the whole family.

If the current Barclays ads are true, children start learning the value of money at a very early age. Before you decide what you can afford, sit round the table, tell them how much you earn an hour, and how long you have to work to earn enough money for them to go out to their interests.

They don't have to stop, but they do have to know how much effort you have to put in to provide them with their interests.

Apart from the obvious, it is a very valuable lesson on budgeting. How else will they learn? Children have to know how much their parents have to spend on them, otherwise they just want to be part and try out everything, and to allow them to do that does neither of you any good.

This. YABU. When you're enjoying your downtime at home and your dc are glued to screens, glowering with resentment that they're not doing what they love how will you feel? It's obvious you and DH are a good team so I think it's a question of sucking it up and recognising that the gloomy weather makes everything worse! Can you get vicarious pleasure in their enjoyment and success at these hobbies?

I don’t understand why you’re letting DH get away with being home by 5pm whilst you’re doing nearly all the running around! Get him off his backside and doing his share!

It’s so unfortunate and quite common unfortunately. Same boat my end. DH dad isn’t overly bothered about doing anything with our kids and is always on holiday, goes to the gym and goes to the pub. Comes round once a month after reading DC’s achievements I put on FB and bungs the kids a tenner. DH mother is always with our nephews. They have, term used very loosely, ‘SEND’ issues. BIL and SIL get breaks away, hours during the week off and the kids get entertained, our DCs miss out and this has been noticed by our 14 year old so now his relationship with his nan is very strained as a result. She comes round with a bag full of crap I don’t like them eating, tries to say my youngest has ADHD and keeps telling my DH he has traits like my nephews, this is every two weeks. My parents do their own thing, always away, on holidays and my mum is always cleaning their house so can’t make arrangements. They spare 50 minutes a week but they entertained their friends who live round the corner all day last Saturday, they have just been away for a month on a cruise and haven’t made plans to see the kids yet as they are busy. Tonight I’ve had to miss a football match just to get on top of washing and make a dint in the housework. We have no help really and both work full time, kids with hobbies, schools starting to kick our arses with dates for events and homework schedules. Never ends and I’m running on fumes.