Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

You seem like you’re both highish earners. So can you outsource it? Pay someone to collect/drop off?

I think this is just life if your DC are actively engaged in a hobby. Both my DD’s are out the house doing something every evening of the week and during the weekends. We use the school holidays for our chill out time. When a lot of the activities stop. But I’d rather they were busy physically doing something than sat at home in front of a screen.

Drop some hobbies. 3 nights (same nights) a week is sufficient for DCs doing hobbies. They must have homework to do, surely? Family time at home, reading, playing games, watching films etc is valuable. And you are doing too much running around. How can you sit down and enjoy a meal etc?
DCs can choose which hobbies but they must coincide - say both do a hobby on Tues, Wed, Thurs. A week-end morning is probably ok if it's football etc.

Mine did dancing three nights a week, was in Shows, learnt a musical instrument and did things like Brownies and Beavers...

Sometimes they lose interest - we changed to a Dance School where it was one condensed night and dropped one class for example. But I think this is pretty usual, sorry.

The pick ups need to be shared

I totally agree - single parent to 3 kids.
No help from their dad as he lives 300 miles away.
I do all the school runs, and all the hobbies.
1 is driven to a hobby which is a 30 minute drive away 3x a week but they're good at it.
1 is driven to their hobby 3x a week 10 minutes away!
3rd child is now old enough to get themselves to their clubs.
We don't get a single night after school to chill out; and weekends are taken up too.
It's unfair to tell your child that you're going to stop them doing something that they not only enjoy but are also good enough to excel at.

Welcome to life with kids. I’m a single parent so it’s all on me. I literally don’t have a spare night most weeks. Monday I’m out too 8:30 for one hobby. Tuesday til 9pm for another hobby fortnightly. Both those I also help lead. My other DD wants to add to her hobby schedule to alternate onto the Tuesdays I’m not out already. Wednesday is usually free but last week was hobby til 8. Sometimes I have a zoom meeting on a Wednesday evening too. Thursday hobby til8:30. Friday hobby til 7:30/8. Saturday drop off at 10, pick up at 2. Take straight to next drop off and pick up again at 5. Sunday hobby is 2-3. I work 2 days a week and the other 3 I do drop offs and pick ups for school. They get themselves there and back on my work days (teens). Even my days off work are taken up with something I volunteer with (yes my choice). Then add in one of my DD wanting dropping off and picking up from friend’s house randomly in the mix.

It’s exhausting.

Yes! This was my suggestion. It’s what we do :-)

Same sort of situation here. My eldest is on track to reach national level with one of his hobbies so I have to spend hours and hours every week ferrying him around and sitting in car parks whilst he trains/competes. I'm a single parent so don't have anyone to share the load with. And I also have a much younger child (eldest is 16) so the younger one has no choice but has to come with me and sit in the car park and wait.
It's brutal quite frankly. One day last week, training didn't finish until 10.30pm which meant by the time we had got home and settled down it was close to midnight by the time we got to bed which is less than ideal for all of us but especially for my little one that has school the next day.
But, I would never every deprive the big one of his hobby. We make do. We keep books and games in the car. We take the little ones iPad. We have blankets and drinks and snacks in car. We listen to podcasts. We just make it work somehow.
I don't think its reasonable to stop your child doing their hobby but you might need to reframe how you think about it otherwise you'll resent it. Also maybe see if other parents could liftshare or similar.
The thing that keeps me going is picturing the day my eldest is competing at a national level and I'm watching from the sidelines feeling that immense pride.

Agree with this. And get dh to take them to breakfast club before work.

Yes, you do it. My DD was doing 22 hours a week in one sport and my DS was doing 12 hours a week in another. They've both won national medals now. It makes a huge difference to their confidence, resilience, and perseverance.

Just from a different perspective, my DD swam competitively pre-covid, she would train 9 times a week. During covid, she lost her mojo and half heartedly continued until last year. I miss it. She has joined other hobbies but no where near what she done. And now just mainly sits on phone. It won’t always be like this, you’re dc’s will definitely reap the rewards

This is really unfair on your younger child, his quality of life is significantly lower than it needs to be and he's playing second fiddle to his sibling. In a family everyone's needs should be considered, and no one's needs should be sacrificed for another's wants.

I wouldn't stop the hobbies, but if your partner is home by 5pm surely they can help more, i.e. you drop off and he picks up, help around the house.

My partner and I have been doing this for the past 14 years, running around like ships in the night, but wouldn't change it for the world, and children have got so much out of it in terms of confidence, ability and friendships, and we both love watching them play their sports.

We are starting to have to opposite problem, our eldest has just past their driving test and will be going to Uni next year, and youngest the following year, so we are beginning to worry what we will do when not having to run around everywhere, will need to find a hobby ourselves.

Good luck, hope you are work it out with your partner to spread the load!

can any elements of his job be done from home as he could pick up kids from school and drop off. He needs to ask his employers. They can’t discriminate against him. Plenty of men at my work place have school runs and childcare time in their diaries so you know not to book a meeting then.

It's not unreasonable to resent having no time for you and feeling overwhelmed but it can't all just fall to you. My job is more flexible than DHs but I also expect him to share the load. He doesn't always think to ask for more flexibility even though the women in his team do. You have choices to make - accept it and know it won't be for ever or have a family meeting about options- DH does more or DC do less

Some of us do not have time to do this. I would think 3 evenings a week and maybe half a day at week-ends entirely sufficient. Otherwise when do you and they see each other? Boredom is also good for children, they learn to entertain themselves (not on screens).

@Grammarnut So which child shall I tell that they can't follow their dreams
The rugby player who is doing amazing and is being scouted by professional teams
The figure skater who has just come 2nd in a national competition even though they were the youngest in their category; and could be at the Olympics in 6 years.
Or the one that is in sea cadets because they want to join the Navy?

Because by saying that they cant train etc would be stopping them from following their dreams.
We chill during the rugby off season - that's when we get our weekends back for the most part unless theres a skating competition and then we generally make a fun weekend of it - especially when the competition is being held in Blackpool.

What did you decide to do op?

I really don't think I could have told my DD that I couldn't take her to all the ballet lessons she was doing. Every night of the week and one a good hour and a half away down the M1

Ultimately she went to vocational school and is a classically trained ballerina.

All I really wanted was for her to be able in her old age know she'd had all the chances - and she did have all the chances and I wouldn't have regretted any of it even if she didn't get to vocational school