Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Oh you would clearly be surprised how negative sone companies will be

Mine never thought they'd make sport their career. That's no reason not to throw yourself into it if you want.

I don’t think you need to suck it up. As pp have said, DH steps up and does more, or you pay for help, or one or more hobbies is dropped. Or one of you reduces your working hours. This is no way to live.

@user1471516498 My DDs went to boarding school for y7. They started with 1 hour prep per night. They did loads of extra activities and kept up with what they had started in primary school. So lots of dance, music, choirs and sport. They added more school activities as they became available. It made them educated in the broader sense and well rounded people. Their hobbies were pleasure. On Sundays they sometimes went on House trips and just relaxed. Sometimes it was chapel. Saturdays might be at home or watching sport. As they got older there was more prep but at y11, one of my DDs had 10 activities on the go. Some people just multi task very well. I’m y11 she had dropped one thing and did 10 GCSEs. 9 A stars.

I took them to multiple activities at primary and DH did sports on Saturdays with them. Boarding was respite!

But why isn't he cooking if he's home and you're not? You imply you're having to come in late and make your own meal

So you do all the school runs, 3/4 of the hobby pick ups and all of the hobby drop offs plus all of the cooking and cleaning. You are being taken for a mug.

I don't think you need to worry about depriving dc of a hobby career. It's unlikely. Most children do go to activities. It's normal. It would be mean not to do activities but find stuff closer to home. Most of our activities are fairly local.

I don't actually think YABU. I'd suggest some changes. Your DH is getting an easy ride. Put your foot down or you will be walked all over.

Boarding school isn't a great help if you struggle to organize your life without one.

Sorry if you’ve answered this, but why can’t your DH pick up more when he gets home. He should have a quick break then be putting a wash on, planning the food for the next day (lunches and dinner, ideally cooking the dinner so you can just re-heat), sorting uniform/ sports kit for the next day and getting ahead with the bedtime routine (PJs on bed, toothbrushes found etc). If you’re not back until 7/8 he’s got between 2-3 hours to do something useful. Then when you get back you can just chill out.

Could you also consider taking one of the weekday nights when he picks up for yourself, so dropping the kids and then going to the gym/ swimming/ hobby/ whatever whilst he picks up and does bedtime?

But yes, this is the life of a parent- the good thing is it doesn’t last for long in the grand scheme of things. And as your kids get older they will start doing more on their own, they certainly won’t need putting to bed!

The other thing is that you should both be getting some time to yourself at the weekends too, that makes a huge difference.

I would certainly be expecting DH to make the evening meal if he is home at 5 and not ferrying the DC around. Or he could use his time to catch up on the washing/ironing/cleaning.
If one of the DC is national level at their sport, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask them to give up Brownies, piano etc as the demands are only going to get worse. With music at least, they could surely practice at home, maybe following a you tube demo, without having the need for formal lessons.

I would keep up the sport. There is little sport at many schools and as a society we have too many sedentary teens on screens. No they may not be national level as teens that's not the point. DS has got so much out of sport from fitness to friendships. He was never a high flyer but I ferried him all around the county and that was a time of many chats. It's been the route to great friendships now he's at university.

I would drop the uniform activities. Presumably the two DC are attending different groups at different times?

This is where other parents come in. Surely you know others from school and their hobbies? You chat to them, make friends and try some kind of carpooling thing.

Your dh needs to step up. Why can’t he put in a flexible working request for 1 day a week?
for the instruments- can you change to a day time lesson through the school? Some schools do during break or they come out of the lesson for a short time.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and see how you can share the load... and decide if some activities need to be dropped.

In my experience, we have often reached the limit where something pushes us over the edge, we drop something, and it is manageable.

Working in the evening after you have been driving around, is a killer.

Maybe your husband could work flexibly one day a week, so you could stay as late as you need to, to get all of your work done and he can do school pick up, driving around, dinner and bed. If you are not there.... will you daughter who prefers you to do bed time, be OK?

Sorry but having children doing activities every night is asking for problems. they need downtime, they need to just chill. They need to find out about themselves and not be always doing things. Life is not a distraction.

I think you and your partner should review all of your household and childcare activities and adjust so an equal share falls on each of you. That's going to look different for every couple/household, and it may end up being more for one partner if the other has (for example) longer working hours or a big commute, but the goal should be that you each have roughly equal downtime.

My dh can't pick up more of the running around because hobbies start before 5pm when he gets home. Can he use his lunch time (rescheduled, obviously) to pick up some of the driving tasks and then return to work? Any possibility he could work remotely one or two days a week? If his job is really rigid, has he considered moving to a different role or employer?

If you haven't already, it's worth checking with coaches/activity leaders, especially for your child who competes nationally, just to see if there may be any resources you're not aware of to help with transportation.

Find a way to enjoy your time around the hobby. Take brisk walk or fitness run. Read book, podcast.

It’s just what you do, find a way to enjoy it.

The dilemma is everyone's. State that the current arrangement isn't sustainable for you. Ask your dh to suggest changes and problem solve. Be willing to compromise on details, but not the principal that too much is falling on you and you can't keep doing it.

OK, so it makes sense for her to continue the sport she is so good at.

"Other hobbies are dance and things like uniform hobbies and instruments."
Are you listing the hobbies done by both children or are all these done by just one child?
Can't they do music lessons in the school day? Many schools offer that as an option.
I would allow each child to do one sport, plus one other hobby outside school - unless they both want to do the same hobby, in which case I would consider allowing a third hobby. Anything at school (eg lunchtime or after school club) wouldn't count as it wouldn't involve extra journeys.

I have two children, and can't imagine spending my evenings and weekends ferrying them around all the time. If you can't work out some lift shares and your DH insists that he can't be more flexible with work (if he has an office job I find that hard to believe...) then they do have to reduce the hobbies.

I’m always amazed at people who don’t get this. I had an office job where working hours were 9-5, not customer-facing, no taking calls. Didn’t really matter what hours the work was done in. Asked manager if I could do 8-4 as there were direct trains, 9-5 meant a walk across the city of around half hour and me obviously having to leave earlier/get home later. It was a flat ‘no’, just because she could. I have had several bosses like this, it’s the reason I will never work in an office again (unless p/t) and why I work shifts as I can’t be made to stay beyond the time on my rota.

I think that your DH might not be able to do more pickups, but he can probably do more at home so that when you get home you can put your feet up a bit (apart from bedtime with your DC with autism - but even there worth working at it a bit / persisting with whatever you’ve been trying to get some more flexibility).

I think you can say to him look, if you’re so keen for them not to quit what are you going to do to support?

Is your DP/DH their dad?

I’ve been there, although mine did sport to high level plus cubs/ brownies etc and nothing else. DH and I both drove miles every night taking 3 dc to different centres for training, one of us out until 9pm each night, as well as morning training leaving the house at 4.30am, around our jobs. I worked school hours to fit round the dc.

As your dc are mid primary ( 7 - 9?) they are probably still enjoying trying out different things, but we got to the point we said it’s your sport or it’s the other activities not both. Two dc had to choose between their two sports as couldn’t continue to do both due to the amount of training as they progressed.

We were constantly shattered but we did it for 12 years until the youngest stopped their sport age 16. I don’t regret it because they got so much from it, including amazing organisation skills, determination and ambition, and friendships which have lasted years and will continue.

Will the dc doing national level have to increase their training? If so they need to decide if they are willing to give up other hobbies for this, in which case could you suggest they give them up now rather than in the future?

The only way to do this long term is teamwork between you and DH and it sounds like he needs to pick up more at home.

Your husband needs to do more. Has he asked ti change his working hours or just assuming they won't let him? Why are chores split 50 50, when you're doing an absolutely huge additional chore on top? If there is an hour of driving kids around and an hour of house chores, he should be doing the whole hour of chores as otherwise if you split that hour 50 50 you are doing 90 min to his 30 - 3x as much!

I'm also really confused by the working hours and routines. I can't picture how it works.

You said DC are primary age, do they go to breakfast club (7.45am til school starts) ? If not why not?

Second, have you considered a 4 day workweek? Either 4 days with 1 day off, or 4 days worth of hours spread across 5. Before you jump to saying no on basis of money, put your salary x0.8 into a tax calculator. You might be pleasantly surprised. Anyone can request flexible working, reduced hours being one option of many. The gov.uk website is very useful on what your rights actually are.

Ultimately you being burned out helps no one and will undermine many of the goals you have for yourself and DC, so take control now to avoid it.

God I so agree with this. Don’t martyr yourself so she can do all of these hobbies, it’s unnecessary and you’ll run yourself into the ground. The national level sport obviously sounds the one to stick with.