Aibu to refuse to take my dc to their loved activities

[vintagevallie]

Hi

My dc do hobbies that they love. A couple of them require quite a heavy commitment in terms of time and money. My dc are very good at these hobbies and are committed. They could go far and progress well if they wanted to. It does mean training a few times a week for a number of hours.

My problem is we have no help from family. We never have. Everything we do is just us 24/7 with the dc without a break, apart from school.
Both me and my partner work full time. I compress my hours and start later in the morning so that I can do school drop off. It means I work very late every evening to compensate.

I do all drop offs at school. I then do three or four pick ups from school and then all evening running around to these hobbies and clubs. My partner then picks dc up from hobby twice per week and does a weekend drop off and pick up.

What this means is I'm either out of the house working until after 7pm or I'm driving across the city to drop dc off and pick them up. This is on top of school drop and pick ups. It feels like I never just get to have an evening at home before 7/8pm. By that time I'm home to bedtime routines and then by the time that's done I'm getting something to eat and ready for the next day. There is no downtime at all during the week.

I know this is life for lots of people but I just feel so rushed around. I'm in and out of the house like a yo-yo. I never just get to come home at a normal time and have dinner etc

My partner gets 4 evenings a week where they are at home at 5pm latest and they only have to go out two evenings to do a pick up from hobby around 7pm.

It's exhausting and I don't feel like we spend any time together as a family. I don't want to rush around all week barely seeing my children.

However I feel guilty that what I have suggested is my dc give up one hobby. They don't want to do this. My partner does not want them to do this. It would be a shame as they are so good at the hobby and committed.

My partner is not able to change their hours to take on more school runs or hobby runs.
I have always worked flexibly to fit around DCs schedules and school. I'm just getting so fed up of it. It does not help that my job is very chaotic and involves lots of driving around and visiting various places so it feels like I'm constantly on the go no matter where I am.
My partners job is a standard 8-5 at one office so I suppose it feels more manageable.

I just don't know what to do. Is this life for most people with dc. Aibu to want dc to quit something they love for me to have more downtime. I think as the weather is getting worse I am starting to feel it more.

Tbh, most children would only do this one if it's a national level hobby. This and school is a lot!

Exactly, good old family quality time is far more important than parents running themselves into the ground with burnout. No need to suck it up op just because you have children and feel like you have to give every inch of your being to make a good parent.

You are doing too much and you will burn out.
Your partner is not doing enough.
Are they doing extra chores between 5-7 that you are running around?
If not you are being run ragged.
I would be looking at everything and saying that something has to give.
I was run absolutely ragged by tennis for years, as my daughter was super talented and playing a very high level, and I wasn't working.
Two years ago at 15 she said no more.
Thats it, done.
It happens!
Protect your health.

I have the same But I’m on my own. Not meant as a “Ive got it worse than you” post! More a “I totally sympathise” post, my day starts at 5:30 getting up and ready and packed Lunches etc then log on to work, break to do kids brekkie and school drop off, work, pick them up, early tea and then 4 night a week evening activity runs with the other one doing homework / screen time in car, then 1 day of games at weekend, it’s relentless and my evening Only
starts at 10:30 when they’re in bed and everything is ready for the next morning. It’s hard but as others have said it’s temporary and I just suck it up. Be glad you can share some of the load 🤍

You do know that anaemia, if it gets bad enough, can cause heart failure? That's how. It can mess you up good and proper. I'm not going to go in to some long winded explanation. Suffice to say, I know all to well just how much permanent damage it can do.

OP, if you're already anaemic, please try to eat well. If it's already affecting your appetite, go to the GP before it gets worse. Believe me, you don't want that.

As for the hobbies. Ask yourself and DH what happens if you become seriously ill from all this running around and cannot work or look after the kids. Will he still insist they do everything with only one income and with him having to do it all.

I agree with this. It seems like your DH has shut down the suggestion of him adjusting his working hours early on, so the responsibility automatically falls on you. And you have obliged by picking up the slack.

He can (if he wants to) put in a formal request to accommodate his caring responsibilities, especially as your kids are still young and one has additional needs. He doesn't have to go into detail about the kids being potential world champions, just that he needs to be able to collect (or drop) them from school more.

Many jobs are easily able to accommodate this type of request whether it's professions, office work, trades etc Possibly not an oil rig, but you get my drift?!

Help him draft the formal request to his manager/HR. His enthusiasm for this will confirm whether you've a scheduling problem or a DH problem. Good luck!

If your husband has a “standard” office job his employer will have a tough time declining a flexible working request for him to finish at 4pm for example on a day or two, and he can catch up in the evening. There are limited reasons employers can decline flexible working - would they really all apply?

I fear he might be conveniently not trying too hard to adjust his schedule….. it sounds like even one day a week where you finish on time and are off duty would make a big difference to you OP. Id help him draft a flex working request and see what happens before making the kids give something up.

Would it be worth seeking a local childminder for before school/ to drop off?

That way you could start much earlier, especially if your partner could take them on the way to work.

Get the extra hours done before and then you don't have work to fit in later. I find you can really plough through work at 7am. Morning is always more productive than later on the day.

OP is already doing more than her DH, I don't see why she should have to reduce her work to 80% so she can do even more. Why couldn't they both reduce their hours to 90% so they both have more time for sharing the load with the kids and chores?

If your dh can’t do any of the drop offs /pick ups and you need to work full time and fit in these clubs, then you need childcare. Mornings make the most sense. You can start super early and dh can be in charge of getting dcs to breakfast club/childminder. no more working in the evenings.

Your DH should do this www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/flexible-working/applying-for-flexible-working/

I'm not being unsympathetic but isn't the whole juggling act of parenting stressful?
Getting up early, taking child to childminder (no car), rushing to work ( no WFH), arranging pick ups, rushing home from work, getting dinner ready etc. dropping off to clubs.
OP, you have been able to negotiate your work start time to accommodate school runs, that is a massive plus and wasn't an option for me or many others.
The responsibilities of parenting are like being on a hamster wheel for many; you never stop.
As your children are really enjoying these activities, I feel it would be unfair to stop them. Having no outside help is hard, I totally appreciate that.
I don't have any answers. Take care, hope you are sleeping OK

Mid primary is a really tricky age for activities. They are starting to get good at things that require commitment, but not yet ready to drop other things they enjoy in favour of just one or two. We largely escaped the difficulty ourselves by having chorister children - so at this age, it was choir first and almost everything else was done at school. I teach violin and several of my students are juggling multiple commitments with an awareness that at some point something will have to give ... but putting off when that "some point" actually is.

I do think that trying to find some way to share with other families until your children are old enough to do some of the travelling independently, would be worth pursuing quite actively - perhaps for getting from school to activities? The other awkward thing to consider is what, as parents, you might be willing or able to sacrifice for your children if they are at national competition level - I understand there are quite a number of areas where that level of performance ends up needing a non-working or at most part-time working parent to actually support and sustain what is required. Good luck figuring it all out in a way that works for your whole family.

Are they really passionate about all their hobbies, or do they just prefer one and do the others out of habit? If they love them I would try to make it work somehow. Perhaps by using the nanny option once or twice a week if it's affordable? They probably will not continue all of the hobbies indefinitely. My children loved their sports and then suddenly refused to go anymore. I was really disappointed but found I loved having Sundays with nothing planned.

DC 1 has a part time job so needs ferried to that at weekends, which sometimes clashes with DC2's sport activity.

DC3 has classes on a Tues Wed Fri and sometimes Sunday morning and afternoon.

DC4 has classes on a Friday only.

We have one family vehicle.

Some classes have had to be turned down as clashes time with other established activities. Children need to be aware of this OP! Nobody expects you to run yourself ragged. Like you, we have no family support.

Your husband needs to do more around the house. It doesn't sound like you have an equal division of labor at all. If you are getting the kids to school, then working, then picking them up and taking them out and then having to go back to work he should have dinner ready and be doing the cleaning for that day.

They don't have to quit entirely. Just reduce it and instead of training intensively/competing, just enjoy doing it for fun. Do it in a way thats easier on you - pick a local club, preferably one they can walk or bike to by themselves in secondary rather than one you've to drive a long way for. My kids do sports but its just an hours class once a week in the nearest club. its not super competitive but its fun & active.

Disagree.

They have 2 parents. He allowed them to pursue the interests, too, but expects his wife to make sure it happens while he kicks back at home on a nice work/home balance.

He needs to sort his hours and find a way to do more if he wants them to continue.

I am lucky in that I am only involved in taking DC3 and DC4 to the same activity with DH on one weeknight, but the rest DH does willingly himself in the evenings.

How old are the children? Could they travel independently to their practice. Either by taxi/bus? Could you carpool with other parents?

Hi just sitting down to read the replies. Thanks everyone who took the time to reply.

I have to say my dh does more day to day chores. He cooks all meals for him and dc. I do my own out of choice. He does shopping, more than half the washing, dog walking, pack lunches and dishwasher etc he probably actually does a higher percentage of day to day chores at home. I can't complain about that. He's up earlier than me sorting one dc out and the pets. I do think our loads are split evenly including the running around. I just think it's the load in general that's too large for two people to manage well.

I can reduce my work if I want. I have worked part time most of the last few years but I'm now the higher earner and I'm being promoted up and up and I care about that.

You are right my dh probably has not tried hard enough to change his hours. He has worked in this company for years and it's a team of older men who have had wives at home doing all the childcare and house running. They are very set in their ways as they haven't needed to be anything else. He seems scared to ask. He hopes to become higher in the company and I think he fears this would go against him. I don't think so but he worries about it.

Could you use breakfast club in the mornings so you can start work earlier and don’t need to work again in the evenings? That might allow DH to do some of the school runs before work.

I'd also recommend getting high strength iron tablets. You can get from pharmacist. They are much higher than anything in a multivitamin.

Anaemia is horrible but they make you feel better in days.

I know you can accommodate the school pick ups but don't underestimate the mental stress of constantly being on the clock and pulled in different directions.

If the hobbies are non negotiable then you need to resolve other parts of the day.

I found having to log back on really stressful when I did those kind of hours. It wasn't so much the work but the thought and inability to relax. You read every bed time story thinking 'come on' and it spoils things.

If you do have to hang around hobbies, are there any small ways you can make it nicer? Make a nice coffee in a flask, take out an audible trial? Something to make it a bit more relaxing and less dead time?

ahhh op - wait till they’re teens & need morning training too…. Tomorrow I’ll leave the house for the first drop at 6am and I’ll return from the last pick up at 9:45pm🙈😂. I console myself that I chose to have them, I want them to make the best of the opportunities they have and in 5-7 years time ish they’ll prob have all left home and I’ll miss the journeys, company & chats!!

I empathise with you, we have two DC do a lot of driving to support this, and it is exhausting. As a family we don’t do much together. I just see it as a phase and we have to get through it. I do make sure I make time to exercise myself, usually a weekend early evening, but it’s not easy.