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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 30/09/2024 09:56

Is she very young / twenties? I’m asking because this seems to be a thing with younger people now. They just invite the person they know or have the relationship with and don’t invite the spouse. Seen it happen many times recently.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 09:56

She wants to celebrate her wedding, with DH as witness ( a very big deal) but won't acknowledge or respect his marriage? Yes that's weird and rude.

In a big wedding like that, it might be ok not to ask the spouse of a work friend whom you'd never met, if there were other colleagues attending, but otherwise , it's a formal event publicly celebrating marriage, and so of course married people would be invited with their spouses.

There's something more to this. She doesn't know you enough to dislike you personally, so unless you've done something like getting drunk and violent at a previous do, it's either she fancies your DH or there a history between them that you haven't been told about.

Oreosareawful · 30/09/2024 09:57

Yep, rude and weird.

My husband was invited to a family members wedding without me. He didn't go.

PussInBin20 · 30/09/2024 09:58

In true Mumsnet style, you have a DH problem!

Catlord · 30/09/2024 09:58

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/09/2024 09:52

Has he attended the social events that he has been invited to without you?

If so then that's why the bride has done it, your husband has reinforced her behaviour.

Well exactly. The problem isn't now, it's the many invitations that have gone before.

If it's genuinely that they just haven't wished to invite you, or aren't keen on you, he should have addressed this long ago.

ChungKing · 30/09/2024 09:58

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/09/2024 09:03

Is your DH going to accede to her demands?

It’s very odd and I would not want to have any contact with her or her husband to be.

It's not really a demand though is it? He's been invited and asked to help out. I assume he's free to accept or decline as he sees fit.

I suppose she's allowed not to like you OP, she's your husband's friend, not yours. I don't think I'd ever be so petty as to not invite a partner I didn't particularly like, unless there was some terrible backstory though!

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 09:59

Pigeonqueen · 30/09/2024 09:56

Is she very young / twenties? I’m asking because this seems to be a thing with younger people now. They just invite the person they know or have the relationship with and don’t invite the spouse. Seen it happen many times recently.

No we are all late thirties early 40s!

OP posts:
BobTheBobcatsBob · 30/09/2024 09:59

Her response of "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want" suggests an issue with you as opposed to numbers being an issue. She can invite who she wants to her own wedding but why would your dh be so happy to go along with this? And not just this but also their meet ups outside of the wedding. For some reason she doesn't want you around and he's happy to reinforce this dynamic. She sounds like a brat but she's not your issue.

Namechangeforcheese · 30/09/2024 10:00

A tiny wedding (under 20 guests) I'd understand it but if it's 100 people it seems very rude.

My DH and I live very independent lives with a lot of separate friends and social events but I don't think either of us would accept an invitation like this.

mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 10:01

Did she come to your wedding?

pizzaHeart · 30/09/2024 10:01

snowlady4 · 30/09/2024 09:35

I was once invited to a wedding and my partner wasn't. I just replied saying would love to be there, but with everything involved in going to a wedding, flights, hotel etc, it will either be both of us or neither of us.
I think it's quite strange of the bride tbh, obviously upto them who they want to invite, but I do wonder does your husband know more than he's letting on, perhaps to keep the peace. If he's doing witness, they must be very good friends- surely he would havrle talked to her about it at some stage.. or at one of the multiple events over the years.
Don't let it get to you. If he does decide to go, try an do something nice that weekend for yourself.

I agree with this ^
they are obviously close friends so your DH should know what’s going on. Or it could be that it suits him better to be without you on all these social events. I’m not saying that he is cheating on you but probably does something that won’t be possible to do with you there. By the way you are not saying how many social events were there, maybe 3 over 10 years so not much really.
Sp I would dig deeper in this direction, just out of curiosity.

It’s weird and rude but she didn’t come to your events so you can’t claim like for like. Treat it as a colleague event mentally and do something nice for yourself

Cem82 · 30/09/2024 10:02

I would be really annoyed if my partner attended under these circumstances. Is he going to go?

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 10:02

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend

Regardless of how you handle the wedding, these invites to his friend need to stop. She doesn’t invite you and actively excludes you so she should not be allowed to step a foot through your door.

Draw this boundary with your DH now, before marriage and kids changes things for her and she changes her mind.

As to why she does this, has she always used your DH as a helper? Has he got used to being her knight in shining armour?

Original poster
soundsys · 30/09/2024 10:03

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 09:56

She wants to celebrate her wedding, with DH as witness ( a very big deal) but won't acknowledge or respect his marriage? Yes that's weird and rude.

In a big wedding like that, it might be ok not to ask the spouse of a work friend whom you'd never met, if there were other colleagues attending, but otherwise , it's a formal event publicly celebrating marriage, and so of course married people would be invited with their spouses.

There's something more to this. She doesn't know you enough to dislike you personally, so unless you've done something like getting drunk and violent at a previous do, it's either she fancies your DH or there a history between them that you haven't been told about.

You have pretty much summed up exactly my view on the situation!

OP posts:
Toastcrumbsinsofa · 30/09/2024 10:03

I hope he’s not going to go to this wedding!

BlackStrayCat · 30/09/2024 10:03

Happened to me and DH sort of gloated. Obviously, it turned out he had bad mouthed me to almost everyone (including my poor DD) for years.

So, I divorced him. He was horrified, yet proceeded to tell the court I was a bad mother! (I got full custody)

Think hard... are there other warning signs of this? (I blocked them all until DD spoke up)

I blame your DH for this I am afraid. It should be a no brainer that he does not attend.
Bride sounds like a control freak BUT very confident to do this.

But, I am aware I am projecting somewhat but it is very odd.

mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 10:04

Also, surely her DH to be would think it's odd her just inviting your DH and not you?

sundayagainagain · 30/09/2024 10:06

Why won’t you answer if he intends to go or not?

Ladyof2024 · 30/09/2024 10:08

Have you ever met her, had a one to one convo with her?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/09/2024 10:09

I wouldn't want my husband to pursue a friendship with a woman who had made it so very clear she didn't like me.

BringMeTea · 30/09/2024 10:12

If my DH went along with this I would be reevaluating my marriage. In honesty I think I would divorce. If he doesn't have unstinting loyalty to you then what is the point? 💐

Itisjustmyopinion · 30/09/2024 10:12

Without saying the obvious you have a DH problem. He has agreed to be the witness for someone who has for a long time disrespected his wife? No I wouldn’t be having that

I would never say who my DH can be friends with and him me, but at the very least I wouldn’t be happy him keeping a friendship with someone who openly disrespected me

The invite thing may be the straw that broke the camels back but this should have been addressed long before it got to this stage

Hallamlass · 30/09/2024 10:13

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/09/2024 10:09

I wouldn't want my husband to pursue a friendship with a woman who had made it so very clear she didn't like me.

Exactly. How unpleasant. A big wedding at which your husband plays an important role, and yet you're not even invited?
So rude.

Toomanyemails · 30/09/2024 10:14

If "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want" is a direct quote, that's so rude, even if technically true.
It's fine not to invite partners of guests due to cost, especially if you've not met the fiancé and barely met her and if DH is part of a wider friend group so wouldn't be 'on his own', but then you'd usually explain that properly ie "we both have huge families and a limited budget, so the only way to get the guest list to a reasonable size was to only include friends' partners when we knew them well"

Eddielizzard · 30/09/2024 10:14

Extraordinarily rude. Your DH has not given you the full picture, and I would be very Confused if he went. Why is he even countenancing this?

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