Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

YANBU. It’s weird and it’s rude and your DH shouldn’t go.

Must admit that my first thought was - she’s actually in love with your DH and can’t bear to see him with you, especially on her wedding day.

OP, even if you can't figure out why she doesn't like you, your husband should know.

It is a strange set up and yes, very rude.

You need to figure out what's going on. She is entitled to invite who she wants, but this exclusion does reflect poorly on her ( unless there's some backstory we're not aware of). I wouldn't allow someone to continually snub my parther like this. You need to talk to your DH.

Well this is the thing, I genuinely haven't spent enough time with her for her to dislike me based on something that I've said or done!

Yes and we still invite him to things for the sake of our friend. So she’s not having to go things solo and so she isn’t put in an awkward position (like the poster’s husband here).

Ha I wish! Definitely no risk of this!

Tbh I’d be upset by this especially as your husband is witness so obviously close. I’d probably want my husband to not go.

She has always fancied him. He doesn't feel the same but likes the ego boost. He married you because you are the better option for long term happiness. He hasn't cut ties because he still enjoys the buzz. She doesn't want you there because you are in the way.

Your DH should have your back. Yes, it's her wedding etc but leaving you out feels like bullying. What's her almost-husband like? Just asking out of curiosity but surely he would find this batshit too. I really hope your DH declines the whole thing. Making him stay the night before etc is cheeky AF. X

My DH would not go on a wedding if I wasn't invited. It's rude. He often winds up going solo anyways because with a SEN child It's complicated when travel is involved. But atleast I get to respond and wish the couple a happy day and life. You have got a husband problem OP. What if it's him who asked her not to invite you?

You sure it’s her and not he doesn’t want you there, or coming to these things?

What has your husband said?

Why is he going along with this rudeness?

Will he continue to see them without you in the future? (there's one thing having separate friends, there's another when they treat your partner badly)

I would then expect your husband to tell the bride. He won't be coming unless you're invited. She's being blatantly rude and there is no excuse for it. Fine it's her wedding and she can invite who she wants, but he doesn't have to go.

If he wants to maintain the friendship he will have to accept this I think. He's asked about you and she's maintained her position and the wedding isn't about you.

However, my issue is that he's had many other opportunities to ask why you're not invited to things when theyve always been welcome at yours. Has he ever asked? I would it would seem one or both of the the couple aren't keen for some reason. I would ask him what he knows, and if genuinely nothing, why he's never asked. Then after the honeymoon, to ask. Unfortunately now isn't time.

I'm sure you're very beautiful but it probably isn't because you're too attractive or they're jealous. That's always the go to on here but in real life it's not usually the case. Were there frictions at the start of the relationship and they're still 'on his side', or you had a minor disagreement with one of them and that's their impression of you? Dramatic possibility but maybe DH has done something they throw you wouldn't like and this is their way of not getting involved!

YANBU. It's a deliberate rude snub. If your husband attends this wedding then you have a bigger problem than a crazy bride leaving you out. No way would my DH agree to go to that wedding. I hope yours respects you enough and does the decent thing here.

It's strange for sure.
I personally wouldn't attend a wedding, if my husband was excluded like this.

It clearly isn’t putting the DH in an awkward position because the OP says he’s been to other things with this couple to which she wasn’t invited. He obviously doesn’t have a problem seeing them in his own or he wouldn’t have gone.

I do think it’s rude. However, they obviously dislike the OP for whatever reason.

My objection is to posters saying “she fancies him; she’s jealous” as the only reason she wouldn’t want OP there.

Sometimes people just don’t like one another.

I was once invited to a wedding and my partner wasn't. I just replied saying would love to be there, but with everything involved in going to a wedding, flights, hotel etc, it will either be both of us or neither of us.
I think it's quite strange of the bride tbh, obviously upto them who they want to invite, but I do wonder does your husband know more than he's letting on, perhaps to keep the peace. If he's doing witness, they must be very good friends- surely he would havrle talked to her about it at some stage.. or at one of the multiple events over the years.
Don't let it get to you. If he does decide to go, try an do something nice that weekend for yourself.

Well, quite. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with it if he’s previously been happy to exclude his wife. It’s him I’d be upset with.

Intersest points here. How does your husband envisage the future relationship with this pair? Is he expecting to go off and visit them both without you?

I think your husband has told her things about you and they gossip together about you. This is why he isn’t fussed she doesn’t invite you to things and why he isn’t fussed she doesn’t socialise with him when you’re around.

I doubt they fancy each other as surely her wedding would throw a spanner in the works. Instead he’s essentially signing the marriage off by being a witness.

Please tell me he’s declined

Is there any romantic history between her and you husband? Does she feel you replaced her. I’d be telling husband not to go if you aren’t invited

The regular social things dh is invited to without you- does he go?! Even though it’s clearly a couples thing if her dp is there too.

I think you have a dh problem. He’s accepted that she’s excluded you from the group for years. You’ve accepted it as you’ve gone along with him doing couples socialising without you.

he may well have been slagging you off so they don’t like you. It could be that you have been invited all these years but for whatever reason of his own, he’s not wanted you part of that group.

This one should be a line in the sand. He shouldn’t go without you, if he’s happy to, then that’s clear the problem is him.

YANBU, whether or not the bride likes you, and unless you explicitly tell him that you're happy for him to go on his own (which you're clearly not) your husband should decline the honour of being a witness.

There's a high chance she just doesn't like you and that's ok. We don't need to like everyone.

Don't invite her to any more social things and wish your husband luck on being a skivvy on the wedding day.