Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

While I agree with you on the question of disrespect, the bride is allowed to invite who she likes. This isn’t a Bridezilla problem. This is a DH problem. He knows his friend dislikes his wife, so it stands to reason that he knows why but avoids having that conversation with OP by pushing the blame onto her. From what OP says he seems pretty determined to attend the wedding, and stay overnight even though they live in the same city. Which seems unnecessary and would set the alarm bells ringing with me straight away.

What the whole things says to me is that while the bride is disrespecting OP and her marriage, her DH is doing the same, but to a much greater degree, because he’s putting his friendship with the bride above his wife’s wishes even though he knows it’s causing her anxiety. He hasn’t got her back on this, and that’s not acceptable.

@Rosscameasdoody oh yes, I agree. OP's problem is with her DH. The friend isn't the issue really...although she sounds a treat. But we don't know the full story I'd say and OP probably doesn't either.

Lots of people saying the DH and bridezilla have had a thing in the past or there’s some attraction there.

I think it’s possible that this hasn’t happened, but the bride has a severe case of main character syndrome.

she sounds like a controlling diva who thinks the world revolves around her. I’d guess she has no romantic interest in OP’s DH, but likes being his ‘no.1’ . It’s possible he had a crush on her and has settled for being just friends.

Id guess he likes being special to her. She sounds like she doesnt want him ( romantically) but doesn’t want anyone else to have him. Like a toddler hoarding all the toys, but not playing with them.

This is my gut instinct about the whole thing.

I think DH carried/ carrys a torch ( as my GM would say!) for Bridezilla and she loves it. Obviously oP would cast rather a pall over that dynamic so … she’s just written out of the script.

It may be “ innocent” in that DH isn’t staying over to shag the bridesmaid, but at an emotional level it’s gross disrespect of op - of her feelings and of her very existence.

How do you really know that the Bride hasn’t invited you previously or even to this event?

Are you sure it’s not your husband that doesn’t really want you there when he is socialising, so tells you you aren’t invited?

I agree. I can’t quite get my head around DH being friends with this woman for so long - close enough to be a witness at the wedding, and yet not knowing the reason she dislikes his wife, to the point of complete exclusion. Doesn’t make sense and I think he knows a lot more than he’s letting on.

this is the most logical explanation to me

Yeah my DH would probably have allowed a "friendship" on those terms to wane

I’d be telling her she can f* off! And my husband too if he thought it was normal or acceptable.

This is very weird and beyond rude! I really hope your husband has declined to attend siting that you come as a package especially as you’ve been together for so long. It’s just not etiquette to do this at a wedding!

I think saying 'we come as a package' is fucking weird. But then saying 'my other half' is too.

I don't come as a package with my husband. We're two individuals who love each other but we're not so intertwined and co-dependent we don't have our own lives/friends/worlds.

Agree with this. My husband wouldnt continue a friendship where I was continually and repeatedly snubbed or purposefully excluded. Of course we do things separately with our own friends- most people do! but if someone made a point of excluding me time and time again I would expect him to question it at the very least. As would I.

Indeed. The last wedding DH attended, I wasn’t invited to. I didn’t pitch a fit about it, or require him to terminate relations with the bride and groom.

I agree entirely. Along with 'we think', as if there's only the one mind between the pair of you.

The absence of a wedding invitation would be fine by me. It happens, and for a variety of reasons, none of which I'd care to know. As for 'disrespecting my relationship', I couldn't give a monkey's who does that provided this doesn't include me or my DH. And that seems to be the fundamental problem here.

Bridey's dislike and disrespect don't really feature. It's the husband's behaviour surrounding this whole scenario that comes over as odd. The unnecessary overnight stay, the persistence in maintaining a close friendship with someone so openly hostile to his spouse, and his apparent prioritising of said friend over his wife, all go beyond the simple scenario of two people maintaining their individuality after marriage.

Being fine with your partner having their own friends and own life would stop short for me at being taken for a complete mug. When your DH's first loyalties do not lie with you as his wife, then you have a marriage problem.

Late to the party but this!

Yes does not like you tho if you are this awful person then am sure your husband would be aware. I would be livid if he went and tell him to confront his friend re all this nonsense. If it was a one off down to cost then yeh would maybe understand tho it's a blatant snub and totally ignorant.

OP, I'll say it to you straight what I would do/think you should do.

I would tell your husband if he goes, to not come back. Because you'll be filing for divorce. And mean it. Even talk to him about meeting a divorce solicitor not long before he goes. Tell him there is absolutely no reason for him to stay in a hotel when it's in your own city, and if he goes, he is choosing to end your marriage. That he now has to choose.

It’s rude and imo I’d expect my husband to decline to attend things I was regularly left out of for no good reason. What is going on in your marriage? I do know of people who invite friends no spouses/OH’s to weddings, but the whole set up here over the years begs the question: wtf? I’d have got to the bottom of it before. If you are close enough to be a witness but not close enough to have a plus one, ah babe. Something’s rotten here, my money’s on they’ve had a fling of some sort and she’s taken against you over it.

IOSTT · 02/10/2024 11:00
When your husband is ready to leave to go to the hotel, could you breezily say “I’ll come with you to the hotel to help you all set up, I’m free today so happy to help” Then sit in his car! See what his reaction is, go with him and see what her reaction is….

Crazy idea.

Why would he need her help setting up.

He knows exactly why she's not invited.

My thoughts are one of the following:

• They have history or still have
something going on
• He's badmouthed you to her so
badly, that she can't stand you
• He's taking someone else to the
wedding

Your husband knows the reason she hasn't invited you.

Your husband knows exactly what the issue is, of course he does but he's just not telling you!! OP, have you asked him what that issue is? I'd be inclined to ask the bride exactly what her problem is. Of course she doesn't need to invite you to her wedding but deliberately leaving you out and preferring to meet your husband on his own is weird especially if like you say there's been no falling out.

Put it to her that she never accepts an invite from you, she never invites you along with your husband, what's the problem? I really hope your husband is sticking up for you cause it sounds like she bad mouths you.

I'd love for op to come back and let us know what happens.

YANBU - hell would freeze over before my DH would be going anywhere near that wedding either, really feel for you OP 🥲

I would really love to know what happened here.

I've always been of the view that children don't have to be invited to weddings - nor partners (it's a lot of money to spend on someone you don't know). BUT, in this instance I shall go against everything I've previously thought because your husband isn't just a general wedding guest but has a more inclusive role - also the fact that she's actively leaving you out from previous plans too makes her an extreme red flag.
I would expect my partner to not excuse this rudeness any longer or I would put this down to him not caring about my feelings as well as her.

Yanbu. She is very rude