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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
AmeliaEarache · 30/09/2024 09:11

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/09/2024 09:05

I hate to be the one to say this , but could she have a crush on your husband ?

Christ on a bike, she’s marrying someone else!

She doesn’t have to have a crush on him ffs, people can be friends without fancying each other.

It’s perfectly clear she and her fiancé do not like the OP. They have already excluded her from other invitations. Haven’t you ever had a friend with a partner you didn’t take to?

Meadowfinch · 30/09/2024 09:12

I presume your DH has declined, given her spectacular ill manners.

LauritaEvita · 30/09/2024 09:12

That’s weird. Esp as he is to have a role in the wedding, I’d expect him to have a plus one invite. The fact she’s saying it’s a choice and not for money reasons is unsettling. I’m just imagining a male friend of mine saying he didn’t want to invite my OH. I wouldn’t go.

mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 09:12

Have you met her/socialised with her much? She's taken a dislike to you at some point... any clue as to why?

13Ghosts · 30/09/2024 09:13

He has declined to be a witness at their wedding then?

Bride has a right to invite who she wants. Your husband not immediately declining to attend as a result of her rudeness is a huge red flag. He values her more than you.

What is your final straw?

Turnitoffnonagain · 30/09/2024 09:13

Your husband isn't going, is he?

EnterFunnyNameHere · 30/09/2024 09:13

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

This is such a good post, especially the second option. I wonder if your DH has been moaning about you to her/blaming you for stuff (e.g., can't come to xzy as soundsys won't let me) that he doesn't want to do or whatever? Just seems weird he'd have been so happy for so long for her to snub your invites, as well as this wedding situation!

Edit for clarity: what I mean is, if a friend of mine would only meet with me alone I'd find out why as I'd want to know what their problem with my DH was!!

KimberleyClark · 30/09/2024 09:13

Are you extremely attractive and she’s worried you’ll upstage her?

Miffylou · 30/09/2024 09:13

YANBU and imo your DH should not ever have accepted invitations to go to social events without you, and should not accept this one. She is entitled to show bad manners and invite whoever she wants, but the bigger problem is the enormous disrespect your DH would be showing you if he went. He needs to show some courage and decency and tell her it’s either both if you or neither if you. If he won’t do that it would be a huge issue to me.

PinkyFlamingo · 30/09/2024 09:13

Of course it's rude, a wedding is a celebration of love, 2 families coming together so to not invite the partner of someone close is pretty poor. However she clearly doesn't care and it's your DH I would have the issues with

Tessasanderson · 30/09/2024 09:14

You and your DH are a partnership. Anyone who doesnt like my partner can go fuck themselves regardless of how nice they are to me. Your DH is seriously undermining your own relationship here.

spicysugar · 30/09/2024 09:14

AmeliaEarache · 30/09/2024 09:11

Christ on a bike, she’s marrying someone else!

She doesn’t have to have a crush on him ffs, people can be friends without fancying each other.

It’s perfectly clear she and her fiancé do not like the OP. They have already excluded her from other invitations. Haven’t you ever had a friend with a partner you didn’t take to?

Show quote history

Not necessarily.

This woman once said at her wedding to my husband that it should have been him!

As it transpired, I wish it had been, but there we go...

thewitchesyouwerenotabletoburn · 30/09/2024 09:14

This happened to us, only it was me who was invited to a male friend’s wedding and DH who was left out. I declined the invite as I found it insulting to both DH and our relationship, tbh.

Cherryana · 30/09/2024 09:14

It’s unacceptable.
She has shown you what she thinks of you (not a lot) and it is now the end of the friendship between your husband and her. Because to your husband - you mean the most and it is very hurtful to him and not just you.

I hope he will decline the invitation as there isn’t room for her in your lives if there isn’t room for you.

ArrowOfAthena · 30/09/2024 09:15

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

oh behave

Maybe the bride doesnt like the OP? Maybe they have a strict 100 cutoff and there are 100 other people that mean more to the couple than the OP

I have no issues not inviting both parts of a couple to a wedding - just because you are married/long term partners doesn't mean you are joined at the hip

BlondeFool · 30/09/2024 09:15

No way would I be going if it was reversed. So rude. Your DH should have your back. I'd be livid.

hildabaker · 30/09/2024 09:16

This is bloody ridiculous! And as others have said, why on earth is your DH going along with it? I am afraid I would have to challenge him in no uncertain terms about this. I wouldn't care about her motives but I could not put up with his treatment of me if I were OP.

fridaynight1 · 30/09/2024 09:17

It’s very rude but it’s her decision I guess. DH would book us into a nearby swanky hotel and we’d make a long weekend of it. Presuming he is only required to help for a couple of hours, witness the wedding and stay until the speeches done. I’d entertain myself in the spa while he’s gone.
Or he wouldn’t go.

Blueroses99 · 30/09/2024 09:17

The lack of wedding invitation is an extension of not being invited to prior get togethers, which is odd in itself IMO. So she comes to your events but doesn’t reciprocate and only invites your DH? Can’t figure out what’s going on. If she has an issue with you, why does she come to your house, but if she doesn’t have an issue, why doesn’t she invite you?

fruitbrewhaha · 30/09/2024 09:17

The question here is, has your DH accepted the invitation? She is, of course, able to invite who she likes and he has the same free will to turn down her obnoxious request.

Completelyjo · 30/09/2024 09:18

Incredibly weird to be close enough to ask someone to be one of 2 witnesses but not invite their wife to the wedding!

I think in some circles it’s understandable if people are invited in groups rather than with a plus one each, ie friends from school in a group, work friends etc but this tends to be the done thing in the whole circle and also isn’t anything like this situation.

Personally I’m sort of one to think you aren’t owed an invite to someone’s wedding, but that doesn’t stop this being fucking bizarre!!

gannett · 30/09/2024 09:18

On threads where a bride is asking if she needs to invite a friend's partner whom she dislikes, she's generally told she can invite who she wants.

There's obviously a back story. The bride doesn't like OP and has made this clear even before the non-invite. OP will presumably have more of an idea why than any of us. Could be personal, could be political, could be anything really.

toastofthetown · 30/09/2024 09:20

I think not inviting spouses to weddding makes sense if you’re part of a group who never socialises with their husbands. For groups like work colleagues, or running club, or something like that, I’d probably not want to bring my husband in a situation like that (or go as a spouse) because they wouldn’t know anyone and I wouldn’t be able to chat with my friends like usual, because the table is half full of people I’ll never see again, not the people I want to be there with.

This doesn’t sound like one of those things though, and honestly the wedding just sounds like an extension of what your DH has cultivated with this friendship. What does he think of the fact that you have been not invited to the wedding and your invitations to host as a couple have always been turned down. It’s rude not to invite you in this situation, but you can’t control that, and you have no relationship with the friend anyway. What matters more is your DH’s response to it.

SummerFade · 30/09/2024 09:21

There’s no way my DH would stay friends with someone who is so openly hostile towards me, let alone attend their wedding on his own.

If your DH hasn’t got your back in this situation, I’d be more worried about your own marriage, to be honest.

teatoast8 · 30/09/2024 09:21

YANBU X