Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

I think your husband is the problem...
If he puts up with this shit, he's a waste of a name.

YANBU!

I have a lovely friend whose husband sounds like a complete arse. I have never met him and don't intend to. She's clearly besotted with him but as an outsider when she talks about him he sounds insufferable. Could it be the case that you husband has either intentionally or unintentionally portrayed you in poor light? Alternatively, if this is a close friend of his perhaps he has shared arguments you have had? Friends and family tend to be less inclined to forgive "wrongdoings" than the actual partner sometimes! In any case it's strange that your husband has never pushed his friend more on her reasonings and backed you up. Her behaviour towards you seems very disrespectful.

Why would he need to say he’s got Covid? I’d be more upset with him if he lied about an illness to not attend the wedding, he should be being upfront and saying while he understands it’s the bride and grooms day to invite whoever they wants he feels his wife is being disrespected and can’t accept the invite for that reason

There have been several occasions where she is excluding you/being rude but your DH has kept allowing this. So I am not surprised he is the only one invited and by the sound of it thinks it's ok.

The DH's friend has kept the OP at arm's length though, by never accepting an invitation from them as a couple.

Has the DH repeated things the OP has said about his friend to the friend? Does the friend think the OP is abusive? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion of an affair/past relationship/fancying him.

I have a group of friends, one of whom has been married for over 25 years to a woman who clearly doesn't like the rest of the group. There's one person from the group she'll invite to celebrations, but that's it. She's been really lovely when I've met her over the years, but we're clearly not her people.

My DH would not go. It's pretty simple. The end.

It's quite clear that she doesn't like you, for whatever reason that may be. It is also her wedding day so I do understand if she doesn't want to invite someone to it that she doesn't like (even though it is poor form and something I wouldn't do).

HOWEVER, it is your husbands behaviour that is absolutely unacceptable. Where is the marital camaraderie? Surely he should know it's just not cricket to go to a wedding where your spouse hasn't been invited to! Do you generally have a good and loving marriage??

Sounds like decision time for DH then doesn't it. Or for you if you can't be bothered to wait for him.

I don’t understand how your husband thinks it’s okay to act helpless with the response of it being her wedding and she will invite who she wants. It’s at that point he needed to make a stand and say he won’t come without you. He clearly didn’t. He is reinforcing this behaviour by tacitly (or perhaps vocally) agreeing with her leaving you out or arrangements. I think knowing why she doesn’t want you involved isn’t as pressing as learning why your husband doesn’t care? Surely the knowledge that he doesn’t back you two as a partnership and you over a friend is all you need to know here. I’m really sorry.

Or she really doesn't like OP or she likes the DHs attention to be focused on her. It's weird and rude whatever it is, but ultimately it's your DH who is allowing this to happen. He could have said no, we both come or neither.

But can bear the sight of OPs DH at her wedding?

I think you need to ask your dh directly if he knows why she hates you. If he’s said or done something to make her think you are a bad person.

ask him why he’s happy to be friends with someone who hates his wife this much.

not inviting to the wedding is a big statement. It’s a big wedding, if he was single, it would be normal to give him a “plus one” invite to a wedding of that size given he’s part of the wedding party. This is really bad and him being prepared to go along with it is a problem.

My DH wouldn’t even think about attending in this situation.

If I were the invited spouse, I would be declining the invitation.

I would feel like I had been slapped if my husband went in these circumstances.

I think she’s jealous. Your DH is her “one that got away”. She doesn’t want any reminders that he is now unavailable, hence declining any invitations to things you host as a couple.

I agree with pps that your DH should not accept the wedding invitation if it doesn’t include you. My DH wouldn’t.

Well, if you think about it, it’s actually quite arbitrary that the wedding convention is to invite people in couples, to the point, traditionally, of offering a +1 to single people. It does often mean you’re inviting total strangers or people you actively dislike to your wedding. Much more sensible to just invite people you know and like, really. Would you even want to go?

Do they flirt? Does he enjoy the interaction? Is she jealous of you? Or other option is she just really dislikes you. Either way your DH should always have your back but as the history of their relationship is that you have never been included seems odd not to have tackled this earlier on in your marriage. I would have set boundaries from the start.

You have a DH problem.

Any decent partner wouldn’t tolerate such disrespect to their OH. If he goes he’s showing you that he’ll put her feelings before yours. Either that or as a pp said, he’s the one Rio doesn’t want you there and is using her as an excuse.

Either way, it’s on him.

Married more than a decade and your DH didn't say anything when she said she'll invite who she wants.

Your DH is a dickhead any respectable man would say we come as a couple, both of us or find another witness.

I'm inclined to think the OP's DH is the issue here.

We don't know if he's declined on the OP's behalf and she just doesn't know. It's possible the DH is having an affair with someone else he and the friend know who will be there. Nothing to stop the OP from staying at the hotel the night before or on the night even if she's not invited...

Nvm her she doesn’t matter in this. It’s your husband that is the problem. Staying friends with someone who treats your wife basically like shit?

Has he attended the social events that he has been invited to without you?

If so then that's why the bride has done it, your husband has reinforced her behaviour.

Since your dh has s special part to play in the wedding, this is really out of order. He should decline.

So what is your husband saying about it? Is he still planning to go to the wedding without you?

If yes you have a big DH problem. If it was just the wedding I could say maybe guest numbers etc but the backstory where she seems to dislike you and doesn't invite you to her events while declining your events and preferring to only hang out with your husband without you is a different story.

The fact your husband has gone along with this behaviour says a lot about him tbh.