Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

Hang on? Why does he need to stay over night the night before if it's in the same city as you live?

So he's that close to them that he's a key witness and helper to set up. And you've been completely excluded from the whole affair (no pun on that use of word..)!!

Yeah, there is more going on here..

If it was a small wedding or there was cost issues and she was apologetic/acknowledged the fact you weren't include then that's fair enough.

But she's been rude and is ignoring her friends wife. I wouldn't be attending if someone treated my husband that way.

Have you asked your husband why on earth he's going?

Forget about her being rude, you have huge problems if your dh is going.

OP

Can you give us more context?

How long have they known each other and how did they meet?;to your knowledge has anything ever happened between them or has he been involved with a friend or family member of the bride (or even the groom) in the past.

You have my sympathy btw;I've been in a similar situation;she called herself my DH's "best friend" (they met through working together);DH walked her down the Aisle at her wedding,she was awful to me;she tried to interfere in my marriage.

She was constantly calling and texting DH and demanding he spent time at her home which was in another county.She tried to get him to leave me.

She doesn't have many female friends and surrounds herself with men.

Her behaviour backfired as DH cooled his friendship with her as she was bringing him down and causing issues.He told her she needed to get some counselling to deal with her personal issues.

It was all a while ago now and she irony is that she and I are now very good friends ourselves after we had a very frank and honest conversation;she admitted to me she was jealous of the love my DH and I have for each other and wishes she had that;her husband is ND and doesn't emotionally support her,she also had a lot of unresolved trauma.She apologised profusely to me.

She has been working on herself quite hard and has had counselling.

The issue with your DH's friend might be her and not you.

What is your husband's response to his wife being so blatantly disrespected? Why isn't he bothered by it?

Sorry I thought it was clear from my first post he does intend to go: that's really my AIBU.

If it was the other way round I'd decline and I'm gobsmacked that he thinks it's not a big deal!

Yes, I agree. It's your husband's collision with her behaviour which is a problem.

This.

She obviously doesn’t like you, avoids your events etc…I wouldn’t personally extend an invite her way in future

I think your DH shouldn’t go. It is OK not to invite plus ones but not when one half is very involved in the wedding.

What did he say when you spoke to him?

Super weird and rude. Not normal at all to not invite married partners to a wedding of that size, especially if someone is playing a role on the day. I would be kicking up a fuss about that.

I’d be totally not ok with your dh going here. He should be saying ‘actually bridezilla, I’m married. I just can’t be a witness at someone else’s wedding when they don’t acknowledge my own marriage and wife. Best wishes for a lovely day’
if he does go I’d be pissed off, and I’d tell him he can make his own decisions but you can decide what you think of him based on that, and you think you don’t owe him support or to not hang out with men who clearly have a huge crush on you since he has allowed this for so long and there’s no other explanation.

Really bloody rude of the B&G.

Really weird that your DH thinks this is acceptable

I would seriously be reevaluating my marriage if I were you. It is about priorities and respectful behaviour. My ex pulled not an identical but a series of similar stunts which really hurt me at the time. I didn't consciously mean to, but I withdrew emotionally as a sort of protective strategy because I was so upset. It eventually caused the end of my marriage - well, this and other twatty things about him. How is your DH in general, OP? Does he put you first in other ways?

Yes, it's rude af. I don't know who told brides they could do/have whatever they wanted. You're throwing a party for your family and friends. You're the host and should be making sure attendees are comfortable and having a good time, and also following basic etiquette rules, which include that you never invite one spouse without the other.

I was wondering about this, OP.

Then sadly it does sound like PP nailed it. Either the bride has feelings for your DH (most likely) or he has said something offputting about you.

Either way I hope he is prioritising you. I would be seriously unimpressed if my DH did otherwise. YANBU

Definitely weird! My oh wouldn’t go in these circumstances, no doubt. Then again he would have dropped a friend who snubbed me well before this.
She definitely doesn’t like you, or doesn’t like that she’s not no1 in your husbands life? Though tbh I’m not sure she’s not the way he’s allowed this to go on. Unless there’s a serious backstory of something you’ve done then I would have serious questions for them both.

I was in this situation and it was because the bride knew her fiance fancied me. (I wasn't interested in him but he'd been interested in me for years). I ended up going to the wedding with my OH because we got invited last minute.

Have you asked your DH why she doesn't seem to like you, citing all the instances not just this?

That is incredibly rude! Like if it was a standard invite, your husband had no participation in the ceremony then I wouldn't think so, but he does so he obviously is quite close to this couple.
Has your husband ever broached this with them?
I remember a few years, we got an invite to a friend of my husband's wedding, but the invite said " husbands name & friend". It really pissed me off for a long time after that as I was engaged to my husband at that point and had met the groom several times 😂 like not even "husbands name & partner"
For our own wedding I made sure to double check everyone's names before sending out invites 🤭

Incredibly weird and if I was in your Husband's shoes I would decline the invite. In the absence of any major feud or obvious reason I would not attend the wedding of someone who didn't respect my marriage / spouse enough to invite them along with me.

We invited all partners that had been on the scene over about 6 months and that we'd met to our wedding though. None of this 'no ring, no bring' stuff.

I think this is entirely your husband's fault. He has set the precedent for going to many social events with the bride without you. You have no idea what he has said to her about you. Her not inviting you to the wedding is to be expected, given your husband always goes alone to see her and her boyfriend.

My husband is a bit of an arse some (most) of the time but would not have entertained this nonsense from the very beginning when she very first left you out of everything to do with her and her boyfriend and your husband.

If your your DH thinks this is acceptable, he knows the reason you are not invited.

This - he should be prioritising you, everytime

Yanbu. I think if your Dh was going with a group of colleagues to the evening do then maybe spouses wouldn't be invited, but he is going to be a witness so very very odd that you aren't included imho