Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

He didn't respect your needs to not always be meeting as his flat. He tried to shoehorn in his wants with no regard to what you had voiced He reacted extremely badly when the loose plans didn't come to what he wanted, even if it had been a miscommunication, where was his understanding, kindness and civility toward someone he is in a relationship with? He pestered you with phonecalls, then accused of lying and cheating, clearly didn't believe you and doesn't trust you. He then tried to get money out of you for food that you didn't ask him to buy? There is a LOT going on with him, there are a million better ways he could have handled this, why did he attack you and make accusations over you not doing something you had clearly told him you didn't want to do. Challenge your acceptance of his reaction OP, imagine how a supportive partner might have reacted because that's what you deserve in response to your honesty.

This is him, at his best, early in a relationship dealing with a misunderstanding. He’s accused you of cheating and sent you an invoice for food.

Now picture him in ten years’ time when you have two kids.

I would be furious with him,

No, bin him. He can eat whatever he bought.
Move on. It’s not that he’s broke, it’s his shitty attitude.

Because he’s a petulant child.

Think about your relationship as it actually is rather than how you’d like it to be.

He wanted you to go to his. You (perfectly reasonably) said you didn’t fancy it and agreed to go out near you. He didn’t contact you and then pretended you should be at his. Then tried to make you pay for food you didn’t ask him to buy. THEN accuses you of cheating with zero foundation.

You would be an idiot to stay with him.

I actually said 'Oh my God!' out loud when I got to the bit where he immediately accused you of cheating and lying.

Dump him. Block him. Move on.

You don't need this in your life.

He didn't come to yours as agreed and then accuses you of cheating?!

Oh, fuck him right off. He's trouble.

You might want to settle down and have a family OP, but you don't want to do it with this guy. 2 months in is the honeymoon best behaviour phase and he's gaslighting you about the plans you'd made, controlling you, accusing you of cheating and getting you to pay for everything. If this is him at his best it is only down hill from here and he is not man you want to have a kid with and be tied to for life.

OP this must all be tough to read.

Try to imagine this was a friend or a younger cousin or sister telling you about this happening.to them. Then read back through the posts and see if you see it differently

Yeah exactly you get tight men (and women) from all cultures.

OP, if your family keeps asking you about marriage, etc, relever you’re the one who is going to be in the marriage, not them. Don’t be pushed into being in a committed relationship with the wrong person

So agree with this. I had a friend who was pushed into marriage by her mum. It was a total disaster, he lived in another country and never came to join her in the UK as agreed even after she fell pregnant. To this day he’s never met their son who is now eight. They are now divorced.

Count yourself lucky. He isn't a decent boyfriend, let alone any kind of long term prospect. No one needs a man like that in their lives.

If the relationship is this much hard work after a few months, then it is not the right relationship.

he sounds awful OP, as others have said, imagine a friend/relative in this situation and think what you would advise them.

I would be out of this like a shot and wouldn’t look back.

There are many cynical women on here, but that’s because of how many of us have been burnt by people like this man. You can spot the 🚩 a mile off!

Why is he ' boyfriend ' in the title but DP in your opening post ?

he is not a DP you don't live together, and surely he is now ExBF...

you may ask why is he now the Ex boyfriend and it is the first word ' "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive).'

so

1. he didn't listen or understand the word ' no '
2. he totally ignored or disregarded why it was ' no '
3. didn't bother to come over your way or even near to your area

and after ignoring / not listening to your words, he then decided to spend some money - for the 1st time ?
and has the blooming cheek to invoice you for it.

why on earth would you want to keep the peace with this ( non ) prince of a man...

especially after he accuses you of cheating !!!

Well, he sounds like a selfish, tight-fisted man-child that cannot handle when he doesn't get his way. He immediately accuses you of cheating on him when you didn't go to his place, which you had already said you would not do this time. He set you up to go off on you and then has the audacity to try and charge you for food you never asked him to buy.

Yes, you are missing something because if you think the above is normal, you need to give a few thoughts about your boundaries and the qualities you want in a BF. I truly hope what he has shown is not what you think is acceptable.

This is him showing his true colours I’m afraid op.

I completely understand how sometimes when you’re in a relationship you can put up with all sorts because of the fear of being alone.

But I can 100% promise you that being single would be better than being stuck in a marriage with a man who can treat you like this. Would he ask you to pay him back for money he spends on food for children if you had them?

If I were you I’d say Yeah I’ll pay you back no problem, can you just pay me for all the food I’ve bought you/all the money I’ve spent on travel to yours

Yes you are!
It's crazy that you're not seeing it. Is this really the type of person you want to stay in a relationship with?

This!

Massive red flags from him & you should have higher standards for yourself!

Dump & block!

Ewwwwww he sounds gross get rid!!!!!!!

I find it the opposite, majority are working/ lower middle class. Most people seem to be on some sort of UC/ benefit or have disabled children so limited work.
Anyone who earns more than £50k isn't allowed to have a problem as they're rolling in it.

You said no to going to his. He was supposed to meet you but didn’t reply to you. Instead he ignored what you said and bought food for you to go him? Run…

Tell him to shove his pizza up his arse (or eat it himself or pop it in the freezer for another day!)
Economics don't come into it I'm on a very very low income but this is mingebag behaviour of the highest degree plus his relentless phone calls and cheating accusations should give any woman the ick!!!!

He is not your boyfriend.

He is a bloke you have been sleeping with who

a) never makes the effort to visit you
b) when you try to get him to visit you, ignores the arrangement
c) gets angry when you refuse to also ignore the arrangement and go out on your own
d) is happy to take you subsidising him but expects you to pay him back for something you didnt want, didnt ask for and werent there to take
e) gets angry
f) gets angry
g) doesnt have a job (do you have proof why he lost his job?)
h) gets angry

If he is like this so early, what the hell do you think he will be like in 6 months or 6 years. HE IS AN ARSEHOLE AND YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Better single than this with this sorry specimen.

Does a wedding ring really mean so much to do you that you will marry someone this fucking vile?

The fact that he has blocked you is a good thing. The trash took itself out. Block him now so he cant try to reel you back in in a few days after you have been stewing and worrying, so you will take any old crap out of relief.

You wont though will you?

He got angry! Yup dump.

Surely to goodness you can see why you need to dump him?

You said no to making all the effort and going to his flat again.

He ignored your response and bought food anyway.

He threw a tantrum when you didn’t do as he wanted, accused you of cheating and sent you the bill for food he could very well eat.

Surely you can see why there’s no possible future with this man? I would see his sending of the receipt and accusing you of cheating as the relationship being over anyway tbh.

Random male opinion; his behaviour is totally bullying and petulant, even for a longstanding relationship. Let alone when he is still getting to know you. I suppose if you get a fulsome apology tomorrow it might be out of character ...

he's trying to bilk you for 20 quid OP😡