Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

The blocking your number, unless he intends it to be permanent, is abusive in itself - giving you the cold shoulder and silent treatment until you grovel with an apology. It’s just about control. Do yourself a favour, cut all ties, there are far, far better options out there (and being single is one of them).

@NahNotHavingIt

• Gymnasticsalltheway I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Your brain, maybe?*
🤣🤣🤣

He can eat the food himself so you don't owe him anything.
One can sympathise with your longing for a family, that's natural, but this is not the right man. As soon as you said you wouldn't pay he was no longer interested - that shows how he was using you. He has done you a favour by blocking you - hard as it may seem you are well rid of him.

Goodness OP, this unemployed creep is not worth being a fwb let alone potential partner and father.

Yes you should dump and block and raise your bar dramatically.

Well- yes to be fair....

This.

You’re still young, still lots of time to find the right person and start a family. It does not sound like he is the right person at all!

Honestly, he is showing some narcissistic traits with things like accusing you of cheating and blocking your number for no good reason. Chances are he will spin this on you and turn himself into the victim, playing you right back into his arms, his flat and making you feel guilty for putting boundaries in place.

Aside from that, he is not showing you much effort, and appears to be using you for money (surely he has other friends or family who can help him out in a tight spot?)

Showing this side of himself so early on is extremely telling for how he might behave further down the line, please don’t let it get that far!

if you really need explaining why you should let this one go (after he's accused you of cheating, been tight with money etc etc) then there's no helping you

It was his choice to get the food, and his fault for not paying attention when you said you weren’t going over to his. Of course you shouldn’t pay him back!

And people are saying dump him because he accused you of lying and cheating, he’s shit at communicating, he’s tight, and he’s controlling in that you have to go to his all the time. This is supposed to be the best time in a relationship. It’ll be downhill from here. Cut your losses and ditch him, you could do a lot better.

Assuming all your details are correct (re where you were meeting etc.), I'd just say "goodbye" to him.

OP, honestly, have some self respect. End this relationship now.

Boyfriend?? DP?? its only been a couple of months/ he does sound much fun and more than bit pathetic. id happily run for the hills.

Why you should dump him:

1. You told him you weren't going to his place. He either wasn't listening or he heard you but didn't care. Both show a lack of consideration and respect.

1. Best case scenario it was a misunderstanding but then why is he doubling down and insist you pay for his inability to understand or listen or take what you say seriously? Relationships have misunderstandings all the time? Are you willing to deal with so much drama and aggravation every time there is a little misunderstanding?

1. He is accusing you of cheating just because he couldn't get through to you for one evening. That's either paranoid, controlling or manipulative. These are characteristics that are guaranteed to lead to unhappy (or abusive) Relationships. You cannot have a good relationship with someone who is controlling or manipulative.

1. He is asking you to pay for something that he could just consume himself. That sounds exploitative to me.

1. You are looking for a serious relationship. If you just wanted to have some fun then you could afford dating an arsehole for a while but if you are looking for a long term relationship then you better start looking again. He is not someone that you will have a happy family with

OP, this relationship is dead in the water. A man who wants you to pay for food that you never asked for does not care about you in any way except what he can get from you.

If you marry this man, you’ll always be wrong and he’ll always be right.

If you split, he’ll try to avoid paying child maintenance.

Save yourself years of misery.

Because he’s a twat basically.

Ffs bin the guy op and please don’t have a child with him - how can you not see how awful he is?!!

Why? WHY??

Verbatim from your 1st post:

"Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment."

"He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was."

"He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone."

Surely that's enough.

You've missed out blocking her when she tried to ring him back.

When I was in a bad relationship, I used to envy women who were single.

People are usually on their best behaviour early in the dating game because they know they can’t attract anyone with their natural personality. You have just got some insight into his true personality, as he could not maintain it forever.

Observing the way people act when under stress is a useful way of deciding if someone is suitable long term relationship material.

Once you have kids with a man like that it’s difficult to get away, even if you end the relationship.

Learn from those of us who are older and naively went into those kind of relationships.

Right now he is struggling financially and cannot be eating out or doing any entertaining until he gets a job.

He is under too much financial stress.

Give him the £20, and he needs get a job.

My parents are also from Nigeria and I was born and grew up in the UK so I relate with you.

I think mumsnet can be very black and white about these issues and throw out the LTB or end it posts very quickly but for your situation I see where they are coming from.

His accusations of you cheating etc because you didn't pick up your phone is wrong and disrespectful, and that's how abusive control starts. You get to the point where you don't want to upset him or you don't want him to have any concerns you are cheating etc so you change yourself and the things you do to fit what he expects from you. I get that he is under stress but that is no justification whatsoever to react that way and disrespect you by accusing you of cheating.

You're both at fault for the miscommunication, you should have confirmed before you went out. I know you said it was kinda left open ended and you didn't want to bother him but lesson learned, next time make your plans concrete and confirm if yes or no.

Since you don't want to move on I would say have a serious conversation with him to let him know how you feel and explain why his reaction is unacceptable and hopefully you can both reach an agreement on how to handle such disagreements in the future.

But be careful because when a man acts this way after just a few months of dating, things usually get worse as you get deeper into the relationship, get married, have kids etc. all these phases of life bring their own challenges and stress. Is he going to treat you this way everytime you or your relationship faces any challenges? Is this the type of guy who will use the silent treatment etc to control and manipulate you?

I get you feel your getting older and want to settle down and that's great but don't let that pressure make you ignore all the red flags until you get trapped.

So in summary, speak to him and see if you can find a path forward, but go ahead with the relationship with your eyes wide open before you commit to marriage, children etc because it gets harder to split at that point.

Regarding the payment, in the interest of moving forward you can split it. Frankly I would find nitpicking over money in a relationship to this level unattractive but I am assuming it's just because he is struggling at the moment and he he has a job he was more generous.

Goodluck.

"most people who post here are extremely wealthy"

What posts are you reading? I think it's probably the opposite.

A job loss and money problems can happen to anyone. That, and the stress around it, are understandable. The red flag here is how quickly he jumped to accusing you of of cheating.

It’s funny so many of these red pill type podcasters or even those writing about the “male loneliness epidemic” will go on about women being golddiggers and or men being used for their assets etc but the truth is a lot of women will be happy with just a decent man who is trying his best. Big bucks aren’t required.

The real problem is men who are unemployed or earn a below average income may only be able to get certain type of women and then what I’ve found is they resent those women instead of being thankful for them. Because deep down those aren’t the women they want. And they then take out their frustration on the “ordinary” women who they feel they’ve “settled” for.

They will simultaneously be jealous of the woman if she earns more while trying to financially benefit from her.

This man will probably remix this story for years to come saying that his ex demanded extravagant dates from him when he was down on his luck. When the truth is it was his lack of effort and manipulation combined with the accusations and then blocking that has lost him the relationship.

Bin. Not father material and clearly little more than a child himself emotionally. Throw him back. You need to do better than this if you are serious about settling down and having kids.