Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

One, I couldn't hear my phone and once I did, I couldn't just pick up then and there as I was in discussion with a few colleagues and they were doing a presentation. I thought he could hold on for a couple of hours and would call him straight back.

You’re not going to dump someone who accuses you of cheating and demands you pay them back for some food (when you didn’t even arrange to go to theirs)????
where are your standards!!

No disrespect but if you can't see this is a huge red flag then you have a problem,!

He has no job

You have been buying him food and bits to help him get by

You are making the majority of the effort in the relationship, by going to see him

The one time you say no to going around to his, he ignores you and buys food anyway

He then gaslights you saying you agreed to go to his, and has the cheek to ask you to reimburse him

And this is after being with him for only a couple of months. You deserve better @Gymnasticsalltheway

Nonsense, you go on walk dates or coffee dates (bring a thermos) or sit in a free museum or go to a street event, but have some self respect and don't leech off a new partner without even having a conversation about how to manage fairly. I know this from student and unemployment days.

There was no confusion. You were never going to his for dinner.

he is trying to gas light you, bully you, control you.

Get rid.

He's deflecting, trying to make things seem your fault. Probably all boils down to him being skint.

Loosing his job and having little money is possibly making him very stressed, and causing him to act up and become nasty. It can be tough.

You don't have to put up with this, though. It's highlighting his character flaws/ bad traits when times are hard.

Yes, he's assuming

1. you'll go over to his
2. you'll pay for the food
3. he can call the shots in the relationship.

He is, in short, an arsehole.

Why do you think it's okay for him to treat you like this?

He's hounded you, accused you of cheating, gas lit you and blocked you over a pizza.

Imagine what he'll be like of you had kids with him!?

He sounds like hard work. It’s only been a few months, right? Relationships shouldn’t be this hard this early on. Red flag. Dump!

Because he sounds awful, how can’t you see that? He asked you for money back over a confusion he created and then accused you of lying, cheating and spoke to you badly.

He is not stressed about his employment status, he is just not the great guy you imagined.

Putting the money situation to the side (which I wouldn’t pay) anyone that accused me of cheating & lying when I wasn’t would be a massive red flag & I’d dump him for this. Imagine what he’d be like 2 years in. I’d be running away from this as fast as I could.

So many red flags OP. The constant calling, the accusing you of cheating, blocking you, anger over the food he bought. If it’s this controlling and fraught now, it can only get worse.

I would seriously consider ending things and also working on your self esteem. You are worth so much more and it’s worrying you have not seen ending things as an option here.

Read this twenty times over and then dump him.

Seriously.

And I echo every word from this poster.

Wise up OP. You “don’t get” why people are advising you break up? have a bit of self respect. You didn’t have plans, he won’t come to you, he accuses you of having made plans, harasses you, the. To top it off sends you a bill for food you were never coming over for? Do we have to spell out why this isn’t a healthy, rational and mutually respectful relationship?

Yes… he’s a tight arse. Bought food you didn’t ask for.
Biggest red flag and turn off is he out of the blue accused you of cheating just because things weren’t going to his plan ( which he made without consulting you). You’ve not known him that long. How will he be a year down the line ?

Dump like a tonne if bricks !!

No, don't pay him.
The food can go in the fridge or freezer for another day.
Plus, you said to him you weren't going to his.
He's a cheap pathetic batrd, you can do better, anyone can.

That tells you everything you need to know right there! "He's blocked my number"
Don't let ANYONE treat you less then you deserve, he clearly won't make effort for you, he accuses you of lying and cheating, he asks for money back that he spent, he's screaming red flags, all this in the first 2 months is never good, regardless of your friends getting married/engaged/pregnancies, find yourself, be happy alone and the right one will come along, sweep you off your feet and treat you like the queen you deserve to be treated like

Don’t pay him just block. Sounds like a bunny boiler 😅

Your self respect clearly

I’ve been unemployed numerous times. The last time was 2018 and I made looking for a new role a full time job in itself, for 6 weeks until I started getting interviews.

I declined any dates during that period too, as I didn’t think it was the right time to date. I even had a former colleague who I knew had a crush offer me help but I declined!

But if I’d just started dating someone recently when I lost my job I’d have let them know the situation and probably suggest pausing things until I was back on my feet because I’d be embarrassed to rely on someone i’d just started seeing and I wouldn’t want to take out my stress on them as looking for jobs can be very demoralising!

OP, I know it’s tough when you see others meet their life partners and you don’t seem to have found yours but this wasn’t your man! You deserve someone who will plan and take you on dates, travel to see you, and not ask for £20 back for food or accuse you of cheating. You really need to raise your standards and don’t be afraid to date across a wide range of cultures in order to find your match.

He sounds unhappy and struggling with self esteem due to his job situation, (some) men like that can be very toxic and jealous and they will attempt to control their partner in an effort to feel better about themselves.

Also it could be projection- it’s possibly he’s cheating or plans to. One sign of a cheat can be someone who avoids being seen in public with you.

I'd go back to the first line of your first post, which you've just reinforced:

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years.

That is not a good enough reason to be in a relationship with this one.

He is selfish, expects you to do all the travelling, and when you ask him to do something different says 'OK' then completely ignores the discussion, once more expecting you to do all the work of travelling. Gets angry because you didn't read his mind that OK meant No. Accuses you of cheating and lying.

C'mon OP, you're not THAT desperate. Stop trying to minimise this and excusing him because 'stress'. You may be unhappy that you're still single, but you'll have decades of unhappiness ahead of you if you don't let this one go.

Don't be a woman who believes she needs a man, any man.

@Gymnasticsalltheway I couldn't just pick up then and there as I was in discussion with a few colleagues and they were doing a presentation. I thought he could hold on for a couple of hours and would call him straight back.

A presentation that goes on for hours with no breaks?

Gymnastics indeed.

I doubt very much that it’s cultural.Some of the tightest people I know are English, so not sure what pp’s comment was about.
He just sounds like being unemployed has done him in.
OP, if your family keeps asking you about marriage, etc, relever you’re the one who is going to be in the marriage, not them. Don’t be pushed into being in a committed relationship with the wrong person.

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family.
I think that maybe this making you not see the truth of the situation? Your longing for a family may be blinding you to the truth of what he's really like - you're just trying to make him fit your ideals?

I wanted to know if I was in the right or not.

Yes, there is absolutley nothng wrong in letting him know what you want :)

I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.
Why on earth has has he blocked you? - it's not a normal reaction at all. He sounds like a petulant child who's having a tantrum because he can't get his own way,

If your sister, or your friend asked for your advice in this situation, what would you say? x