Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

This

He’s not great. Your standards need to be higher.

Don’t lower your standards because everyone else is paired off. It will not be worth it.

He's not great, he really isn't. He's manipulative and controlling.

You started a thread because you are concerned about his shocking behaviour. The general consensus is dump him asap. Now you are asking if you are missing something?

Your self respect. He is a user ( financially), and probably an abuser ( accusing you of cheating ). Block him and move on.

He is from Barbados. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing. My parents are from West Africa but I was born in England.

Any man who accuses you of cheating and lying is an asshole and wants to control you.

Assuming you haven't been cheating and lying, your boyfriend is a nasty man and you should ditch him ASAP.

In the nicest possible way you are desperate by your own admission as you feel left behind.

Abusers smell desperation as they know you’ll put up with it.

He is all ready meeting the legal definition of abuse.

I understand your need to nest is strong but he accused you of cheating, demanded money and has blocked you. You need to work on your self esteem. Desperations leads to poor decision making.

It doesn't sound silly, but honestly you are much better off single than partnered with someone who accuses you of cheating for no reason (and seems to blame others for his own inability to communicate).

It's not going to end well.

No you were not in the wrong. Why are you contacting him to put things right?

To be blunt you need to have some self respect and self preservation. This should be the honeymoon period. Instead he is ignoring your voice (you saying he ought to go to you), being insecure/paranoid and cheap. Immature (blocking as he hasn't got his own way). As others have said red flags all over.

I sympathise that you’ve seen all your friends settle down and you’ve been single for ages and finally found someone. But, this is seriously clouding your judgement. This man sounds awful - tight,
jealous and unreasonable.

Then he has the cheek to block you in all this. Do not call him again under any circumstances - see it as a lucky escape.

30 is still young! You will meet someone so much better than this. Do NOT try to contact this loser again please.

100% agree

I think you need to raise your standards and not lower them, ESPECIALLY if you want a family. Because you are locking yourself in for the long run.
I'm divorced, I can take risks and kiss a few frogs, I already have cute kids and they already have a (crap) father.
You are young, don't throw your life away on crappy men, raise your bar!! Don't put up with someone who treats you badly (and this guy has treated you very badly).

@Gymnasticsalltheway This is either a question of who's right and who's wrong; or how persistent will he be and will he escalate. If you are in any doubt, just send him the £20 then block him.

If you want to have a baby, a random sperm donor would be an upgrade on someone who is immature, controlling, paranoid, disrespectful, rude, and stingy, because it would be unlikely they'd check every single one of those boxes.

There is nothing worse than being married to, and having kids with, a complete arsehole. Being envious of what your friends have is not a reason to tie yourself to an abusive, tight loser. Having kids is hard enough with someone who is kind and caring, with this kind of man it's a nightmare. Ask me how I know...

He’s blocked you. Consider that the end.

I get that you were probably quite excited about this relationship, but it’s not the one for you. It’s very one-sided - you visit him, you take food etc, and the one time you ask him him to reciprocate, he ignores you, then accuses you of cheating, and asks you to pay for his food. Then to
top all, blocks you.

Find someone else.

If he had been polite and you genuinely thought you were partly responsible for the miscommunication then you could send him £10. But he has been rude and angry and he has blocked your number. He can eat pizza for two days. Stressed or not, he has no right to be aggressive towards you. You sound lovely so know your worth and hold out for a man who deserves you.

Basically he was scamming you for food. You were supposed to bring food to his place the first few times; did he offer to pay you? Then he wanted to guilt you into paying for food that you didn't ask for or want, which was at his place, when he should have been at your place and going out with you! I only know a few men from Barbados but they have been very courteous and old fashioned, providers to their wives. It doesn't matter where this one is from. You are not his tide-me-over. He can go to a food bank or sell stuff on Ebay.

@Gymnasticsalltheway mumsnet is probably not the best place to ask this question because most people who post here are extremely wealthy and may not understand the difficulties of unemployment. I've been there so I do.

One question though...

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP.

Any reason for not answering a phone the first time it rings?

He has accused you cheating, gaslighting you about agreeing to go over when you didn't and now trying to get you to lay for his dinner....

@Gymnasticsalltheway
You will get accused of cheating or not loving him enough everytime you go out with anybody but him , then you will stop going out cause it causes to much shit, this is how they lock you away from friends and family, run and don't look back with the 20 pound he has asked for.

And now he has blocked you! Definitely consider him dumped.

@Gymnasticsalltheway I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family.

30 is quite young, you shouldn't feel any pressure, you will find someone else who truly loves you. This current man doesn't love you. It is awful to send you a receipt for £20 expecting you to pay. Really really awful.