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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay boyfriend back

465 replies

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

OP posts:
Wcmc · 30/09/2024 21:50

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Surely you can see that being accused of cheating because you went out with friends is a MASSIVE read flag.
Buying food when you have said you won't be going to his and asked him to come to you is another MASSIVE red flag.
Asking you to pay him back for food....

Need I go on?

Honestly this isn't the foundations of a strong, respectful and trusting relationship. I can understand the frustration of wanting to find a partner and settle down but surely compromising like this isn't the answer? Any partner is not better than none...

patchworkbear · 30/09/2024 21:55

Your standards seem to be verrrrrrry low @Gymnasticsalltheway

KarenandFour · 30/09/2024 22:13

Block and run !

Laura95167 · 30/09/2024 22:19

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:19

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

He's a user. You keep travelling to him like dialashag and pay for his tea.

I understand he's going through a hard time but he isn't entitled to you paying for his shop if you don't offer. He ignores you when he doesn't want to do what you want, then gets angry and emotionally abusive when you don't do what he wants.

He's unemployed, lazy, entitled, and manipulative. He's shown you who he is so don't look away

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:37

Dump him
I dated and funded a pauper during the pandemic and then he convinced me to get pregnant and I did.
He then got a decent job, left me before the baby was born and won't contribute anything above child maintenance so lumbered with nursery fees while he goes off on holiday with his new gf all the time.
Go out with someone who is an actual match for you! X

PepaWepa · 30/09/2024 22:39

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

He's a leech and you have to make all the effort. I'm 2 years in with someone like this and I fucking hate it. It's never changed despite constant hope it will. I'm resentful and don't want to make effort or keep saying yes to all the 'little bits here and there'. It's my money keep getting spent and I'm sick of it all. But I'm now also pregnant.

You're a couple months in. Dump him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:40

Ps 30 is young you do not need to settle for a man like this I am in such a stress now trying g to coparent with a nasty stingy man who doesn't care about me. Get rid honestly. Read lalalaletmeexplain block delete and move on, and Matthew hussey love life to develop some minimal standards

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:41

@PepaWepa you can still leave him. I didn't feel I could when pregnant but he left me just before baby born. I wish I left him earlier on in the pregnancy. Don't put his name on the birth certificate if he shows any abusive traits.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:43

@Happyitssummer I'm in a similar boat to you with my toddler. Wish I hadn't tried to be 'such a nice understanding helpful kind' one to him - assuming he'd appreciate me and be kind and grateful back. Did he fuck.

PepaWepa · 30/09/2024 22:45

@Unexpectedlysinglemum all these things have been going through my head the whole pregnancy (leaving him, not putting him on birth certificate etc). Just trying to figure out how to navigate it. Sorry you're in this situation too x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:48

PepaWepa · 30/09/2024 22:45

@Unexpectedlysinglemum all these things have been going through my head the whole pregnancy (leaving him, not putting him on birth certificate etc). Just trying to figure out how to navigate it. Sorry you're in this situation too x

Honestly I wish I'd done it myself earlier so I had more time to prepare , I think it was social stigma mixed with belief in him changing. I listened to Matthew hussey book love life today and there is a chapter about leavig. Relationships that i wish I'd listened to then - I really recommend that book.

My friends and family were amazing. Everyone assumes you're all loved up but if you tell them he is actually being horrible to you - really horrible not just moody or something that can be fixed- they will help you. I have been through a lot of trauma and it is hard on my own but the thought of him
Still living in the same house as me makes me so stressed and sends tremors down me.

X

PepaWepa · 30/09/2024 22:55

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:48

Honestly I wish I'd done it myself earlier so I had more time to prepare , I think it was social stigma mixed with belief in him changing. I listened to Matthew hussey book love life today and there is a chapter about leavig. Relationships that i wish I'd listened to then - I really recommend that book.

My friends and family were amazing. Everyone assumes you're all loved up but if you tell them he is actually being horrible to you - really horrible not just moody or something that can be fixed- they will help you. I have been through a lot of trauma and it is hard on my own but the thought of him
Still living in the same house as me makes me so stressed and sends tremors down me.

X

Show quote history

I've recently opened up to friends and family about how bad he is, and everyone agrees I should leave him. Mentally and emotionally I'm ready, I just don't really know how to action it and stick to it, and I don't want him having the baby without me around. I've got 3.5 months left before baby's born so really need to figure it out. I'll get the book, thank you. X

Happyitssummer · 30/09/2024 23:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2024 22:43

@Happyitssummer I'm in a similar boat to you with my toddler. Wish I hadn't tried to be 'such a nice understanding helpful kind' one to him - assuming he'd appreciate me and be kind and grateful back. Did he fuck.

Hope you're doing OK now @Unexpectedlysinglemum ? There is peace on the other side. It takes time but you will get there and be stronger for it. Just take time for the simple things that heal us like leaning out of the bedroom window and deep breathing in the fresh air and listening to the quiet and thebird song (or the gentle street bustle if youre in a town). If we need to find a silver lining, it's taught us to spot the 🚩🚩 and avoid it again. Sending you strength and hugs x

Dibbydoos · 30/09/2024 23:50

I don't get why you went out even though you'd made arrangements with him. You were allegedly tired too but went out with work colleagues. Wtaf.

Seriously, you need to reflect on your behaviour - it's nit poor comms if you cba speaking!

I'd suggest you both call it a day. I'm not sure either of you are mature enough for an adult relationship no matter how old you are.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 01/10/2024 00:37

liquidsquidli · 30/09/2024 14:52

Dump. In the bin

Send £20 and be glad it cost you so little

He's a misogynistic, love bombing gaslighter controlling and probably a cocklodger

You are a nurse with a purse. He is quite clearly unstable.

If you lost your job how would you behave? Id probably think " poor chap doesn't want o be with a looser like me now unemployed" and sent them free.

You are better than this.

Guess what? OP can dump him for free!

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 01/10/2024 00:42

TwinklyAmberOrca · 30/09/2024 15:59

@Gymnasticsalltheway Pay him the £10 (not because you owe him, but because he is a petty twat) then BLOCK him and never speak to him again.

At least he's shown his colours just a couple of months in.

Why does being a 'petty twat' deserve a cash reward
What is wrong with people spending OP's money
Isn't the gender pay gap bad enough without women paying for food they didn't expect, want, eat, smell, or see?

PracticalLady · 01/10/2024 01:36

Don't pay him and don't bother with him again, he's not a nice person.

Lotsofsnacks · 01/10/2024 06:26

You can tell from the OP’s comments that she is not going to dump him, or heed any of the advice given here. You can tell how this relationship is going to go, as this man is already showing his true colours

GetDownkeith · 01/10/2024 07:01

This was not a miscommunication this was him completely ignoring what you said.
He got the pizza because he was assuming that you would be chasing him when he didn’t make arrangements to come over and that you would give in and go to him. When you didn’t he blew up your phone and accused you of cheating. You don’t behave how he wanted to so he got angry and blocked you so that when he reappears again you are so grateful and run back and do what he tells you next time.
bin him!

Suchasonganddance · 01/10/2024 07:52

“He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.”

A red flag to me - beware. His present situation could well make him feel irritable but does NOT give him the right to behave like this even if he had been mistakenly looking forward to seeing you. As for the accusation of cheating, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Pearshaped20 · 01/10/2024 08:38

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

He expects you to make all the effort, happy to take things you've bought for him, wants paying for something he could eat himself, (he's got 2 meals now), being rude and accusing you of cheating!! He does sound a bit controlling tbh. How long have you known this man? Quite a few red flags for me, sorry OP

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/10/2024 09:04

Dibbydoos · 30/09/2024 23:50

I don't get why you went out even though you'd made arrangements with him. You were allegedly tired too but went out with work colleagues. Wtaf.

Seriously, you need to reflect on your behaviour - it's nit poor comms if you cba speaking!

I'd suggest you both call it a day. I'm not sure either of you are mature enough for an adult relationship no matter how old you are.

Maybe try reading the OP again instead of making shit up?

pasturesgreen · 01/10/2024 09:16

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:28

I'm not sure why everyone is saying to dump him? Am I missing something?

Can't for the life of me see why you'd want to hold on to such a prize specimen.

twilightcafe · 01/10/2024 10:22

Gymnasticsalltheway · 29/09/2024 22:40

I know this sounds silly. But I am 30 years old. I have been single for many years and longing a family. It hurts that all my work colleagues talk about up coming weddings, new pregnancies and then there is me. All my friends are married or planning to be. I have been speaking to his man for many months and honestly, he is great but I believe is just stressed with his employment status. I just didn't expect the 'dump' him replies. I wanted to know if I was in the right or not. I have been trying to contact him to out things straight but he has blocked my number.

Darling -
How this man behaves is who he is. You can't change him.

You deserve so much better than this man. You are 30 - you have time to find someone else.

twilightcafe · 01/10/2024 10:25

Lotsofsnacks · 01/10/2024 06:26

You can tell from the OP’s comments that she is not going to dump him, or heed any of the advice given here. You can tell how this relationship is going to go, as this man is already showing his true colours

Yep. I fear you are right.