Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

The red flags.

You've been dating a couple of months.

You no show for a date, which you didn't think was confirmed, so he accuses you repeatedly of cheating on him. He has trust issues.

He also then makes a demand for money over a genuine mistake.Almost to punish you. And you are now questioning how unreasonable YOU are because he has trust issues and can't cope with the idea that it was geniunely crossed wires.

In a normal healthy relationship you should be able to merely shrug it off as a mistake, oh well nevermind.

Instead its resulted in a meltdown on his part.

What sticks out from your OP is this:
I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years.

So you have something of an air of 'well no one else wants me, so I should tolerate this and ignore the red flags as I'm just grateful someone wants to be with me'.

This relationship is only a couple of month in. You should be in the honeymoon stage. But he's deeply deeply insecure and giving worrying signals about the likelihood of him being controlling and financially abusive.

This is not a relationship worth keeping, if thats his reaction. Its really unhealthy as a response.

Its alarming that you aren't seeing it. Think about it.

People are stating dump him because he accused you of cheating and lying straight off the bat. It's a very extreme reaction and points towards abusive tendencies

You ask if you should pay him back to keep the peace.

I'll just leave you with this quote by ... can't remember who but it's very apt.
'When you stay quiet to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself '

A brain, by the sounds of things.

He's accusing you of cheating because of a simple misunderstanding and you not being willing to dance to his tune. A nice man he is not.

Why does living in a flatshare mean you can never have a 'gentleman caller' round, btw?

You shouldn't put up with someone who (a) doesn't come to you any of the time (b) harasses you by phone when no plans were confirmed (c) asks for a small amount of money back when you have been generous during his unemployment.
This is not a man who is making an effort to see you because he loves you. It's a man who wants you on his terms.
I've spent years in these sort of crap relationships ignoring the fact they don't love me and misunderstanding red flags like possessiveness for love. Since meeting my DH, who moved heaven and earth to see me when he could even when he was broke, I realised what a fool I'd been in previous relationships.
You're only 30, you'll still meet someone to have a family with, put yourself first and demand better from a relationship. X

When he has unblocked you, what will your response be? This is not normal behavior, surely you can see that OP?

He's blocked you and you're wondering if you should dump him?

This is not a man to pursue a future with. Look for someone better.

Because he is trying to coerce payment from you. Because he ignored you when you didn’t want to go to his place and he bought found anyway. Because he is trying make you responsible for his stupidity. Because he immediately jumped to accusing you of cheating? Because he kept calling instead waiting for you to call him back. Because he is now trying to punish you by blocking you because of non compliance with his demands? Why do you want to ‘make things right with this type of person. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Please, after just a couple of months he is not your partner, he is someone you're getting to know. And I think you know enough about him now to ensure he never becomes your partner.

OP, we understand the longing for family, but having children puts an immense pressure on the best of people. Your boyfriend though? Will he be getting up in the middle of the night to change the diapers, if he's not willing to put any effort even into dating?
He's charging his new girlfriend for pizza - will he be paying all the costs if you're unable to earn due to taking care of the children? Can you see him taking care of your family? Or will you have a baby and a man-child, who will also accuse you of cheating and lying?
After a couple of months of dating, when he should be trying to impress you and be on his best behaviour?

Throw this one back. You're better off with a sperm bank visit.

@Gymnasticsalltheway I mean this with kindness OP. Everyone is telling you to dump him as he is treating you like shit. And some of these signs, expecting you to pay him back for a decision he made, wanting you round his all the time and not making effort to go to you, blocking you as he hasn’t got his way, and accusing you of cheating, are all red flags for what is classic coercive abuse type behaviour. It is his way or the highway and if he doesn’t get his way he will make you pay. He’s like this after a few months as well? Another massive red flag.

This is what I would do. You're better off without that drain in your life

DUMPPPPPP

From a great height!

this, but to also add:

• someone who accused you of lying too
• someone who "got a bit angry" (over mis-communication over who was going where providing what you said in your OP is actually true i.e. you'd said no to going to his place and he said ok to coming somewhere near you)

Why would you tolerate that behaviour? By all means talk to him about it to make sure he is aware that it was rude of him to accuse you of cheating/lying and getting angry but don't put up with this behaviour purely because you want a family.

He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was
Bin

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone

Bin
.
Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts

Don't keep the peace. Just bin.

I can't believe you've been asking people why they are saying you should bin him.

For goodness sake. Give your head a wobble.

He's using you. He's making no effort. And then he's accusing you of cheating.

Don't bloody pay him back. Just bin and block.
You can do way better than this.

1. He is a poor communicator. This will not improve at his age.
2. He sees his wants as more important than yours. This will not improve as the relationship goes on.
3. He doesn’t take a no. Big red flag.
4. He went straight to accusations of cheating when he didn’t get what he wanted. This will be a pattern that will repeat.
5. He isn’t reasonable. If he’d misunderstood the plan, it’s on him, asking you to reimburse him for his error is ridiculous.

Transfer him the money and in the reference tell him he’s blocked

First post nails it!
Expecting you to make the trip to his house every time so he makes no effort
Expecting you to pay him back when he’s never paid you back
Accusing you of cheating and lying for no reason!
Getting angry
Blocking you

These are all red flags and the hallmarks of a selfish immature man. One inconvenience or miscommunication shouldn’t result in accusations, anger and blocking. You’d be a fool to carry on seeing him, he is already showing you his true colours

Don’t give him a penny back. Take that £20 and start a savings pot to get a sperm donor if you are longing for a child.

It would be a happier and more peaceful experience than having a baby with this penny pinching, miserable, angry man.

He accused you of cheating? Does that concern you?

@Gymnasticsalltheway Good God No, you are not being unreasonable.

If he’s like this with money now then he will only get worse, I speak from experience xx

Girl: run.

You get the treatment you permit. Don’t ever accept petty or mean treatment from a man. Hold your head high and internally think like a Queen. You may not get a man right away—or at all—but you also won’t be treated like shit by your dates. And as everyone has pointed out accusing you of cheating is very shit behavior.

Lol for all we know he ate the pizza with a mate or with another girl. OP doesn't need to subsidise his meals.

The man has red flags flowing all around him! The demand for money for food that he can easily eat himself, getting over upset about the communication fail about the meet-up arrangements and the worst one is accusing you of cheating after he’s only known you a couple of months. He shouldn’t be doing this even after two years or any amount of time. You’re allowed to socialise without him. He’s not worth your time. This is how women get sucked into emotionally abusive relationships.