Should I pay boyfriend back

[Gymnasticsalltheway]

Hello,

I am in a new relationship with a man since being single for many years. We have only been going out for a couple of months. Unfortunately, things have been tense since the company he worked for closed down and now he is out of employment. Due to this, most of our dates have been at his house (he can't come to my house as I flat share) and I have bought him little things here and there (not expensive just bits of foods) to help him get by.

Last week, he asked me to come to his flat again. This time I told him "no" as I was tired of making the trip all the way to his and if he could come meet me near where I am and we can go out somewhere (nothing expensive). He said "ok" but I didn't sound keen. Anyway, when the day arrived, I didn't hear from him and thought I'll just leave him be as he probably was worried about the cost of travel and didn't want to impose anything of him-so I let it be.

Later that evening, I went on a work event and my phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was DP. He asked me where I was and that I had promised to go to his and that he has brought food for me. I told him that nothing was confirmed that it was me that I was expecting to hear but left it. He then accused me of cheating and lying about where I was.

Later on, he then sent me a screenshot of a receipt of food that he bought for me (costing £20.00). I called him back and asked what this was for and he said that he wanted me to pay him back for the food he bought. I told him "No way", especially since I have bought him things here and there and haven't asked him to pay me back. He then got upset and said that he is expecting me to pay him back either way, accused me of cheating and got a bit angry over the phone.

Can I ask? AIBU, should I pay him back. I expect that there was miscommunication on both sides. But should I pay him back just to keep the peace. Interested to hear anyone's thoughts.

His behaviour is not ok!! One of my narcissistic ex’s was like this, constantly changing plans but not telling me? Making me out to be the bad guy and freaking out and accusing me of cheating/stealing/lying etc, it doesn’t get better, you may want to excuse this behaviour as a one time thing but it just never is, this is a red flag, a warning of what is in store for you if you put up with it. Please work on your self worth and look into healthy communication and relationships because I’m sorry to say, this isn’t it. You deserve better, hence 99% of us here advising you LTB actually I’d say RUN!! Block and never look back.

Either you are him under several identities or you get off on the thought a woman pays a man for showing her any sort of attention or you think he needs £20 of hush money to not be violent. None of this makes sense. He should pay for food he ate and she didn't expect or want.

£20???? Omg, £20????? Not a cruise he bought for you both?

I wouldn't need to pay him back to keep the peace as I wouldn't be seeing him again.

He has no redeeming qualities, not having a job isnt a problem if he's actively looking for one but suggesting you are cheating on him, gaslighting you that you agreed to something you didn't and then wanting money off you is a huge no-no. If he can afford takeaway assuming £40 for 2 then he could have traveled to you and gone for a drink in a pub, gone bowling or a cinema trip.

Good luck with this relationship. You’re gonna need it.

If someone accuses you of cheating and lying and blocks you during an argument, you need to break up with them immediately, no matter where they're from or what work or employment stress they have going on. This reaction is emotionally abusive and you do not want to be with an abuser.

Personally I'd pay him and then dump him. You really don't need the grief, financial issues aside he's accused you of cheating with no evidence and acted totally unreasonably. This is the start of a relationship when everyone is supposed to be on their best behaviour, if he's acting like this now then God knows what he'll be like later on. It's hard when you've been single for so long but you deserve better, besides you're with this idiot, therefore not available to find someone much better.

Pay him for what? A screenshot providing evidence of his entitlement and inattention and greed

30 is incredibly young! I split with my ex and met my current fiancee at 38, we have a 5 year old daughter now and could not be happier. There is so much time for meeting someone right.

This 100%

Also, you asked if you should pay him "to keep the peace"... keep the peace with what? you didn't do anything wrong. Why is it up to you to pander to his moods when he's just being nasty to you? Why can't he keep the blooming peace and stop being so petty and accusatory.

he doesn't sound like LTR material, sorry OP. You sound like a kind and considerate person, don't put up with people taking advantage of you. Would you have treated him like that? I'm guessing not.

Also he's blocked you in a fit of temper because you questioned his orders - and you've only been seeing him for two months. As the MN saying goes.. "the trash took itself out." There are better, kinder, more fun people out there that Mr Sulk.

I know people do feel a kind of pressure in their early 30s, but it doesn't mean you have to immediately find someone. Relax a bit. Think about the things you might like to do with your life. Make a bucket list ( even a simple and small one) and start doing some of those things, keep busy, be sociable and keep expanding your circle of acquaintances and friends. Focus on that for a while and you'll be surprised to find that more opportunities open up. Also. It sounds like you are a very nice person and that perhaps people who are not as nice, like the BF, take advantage of that, so read up on some assertiveness techniques in case you find yourself in a similar situation.

Because you haven't been dating long and he's already being unreasonable and petty. Presumably he bought the food to manipulate you into going to his because 'he'd already bought the food' and now he's asking you to pay for it! This is supposed to be the love struck, seeing the best in each other stage.

He’s showing you who he is.

and that he’s a liar, controlling and manipulative

he accused you of cheating? Sounds like projection

bin him. Up to you if you send him money, but at the end of the day, he’s going to be able to eat the good he’s bought so leave it and dump him.

you can do soooooo much better than this bloke

Yep. She owes him nothing. Paying him for food he’s bought off his own bar and almost certainly eaten is giving him some sort of validation that hat he’s not entitled to.

Got to admit I’m shocked at the number of PO’a telling her to hand over £20 of her money to this freeloading specimen for no reason at all.
£20 to get rid - I prefer £0 to get rid

No, I wouldn't give him a dime! Unemployed or not, you didn't plan to have dinner with him and he foolishly went ahead and bought food anyway so the fault lies with him only. To send you a receipt and ask you for payment is an absolute insult. I would tell him to do one personally.
I think you should raise your bar much higher OP! It isn't too late to find the right person for you and all the things you want.

I would be really glad he showed his true colours so soon and I'd only wasted a few months

A good man would be arranging picnics in a park if he was short on cash. Going for walks through a local place of interest etc not just wanting you to go to their flat (presumably so you can have sex and buy him bits)

Do not settle for a shitty man because you feel self conscious and that you lack something compared to your friends who are getting married and having babies. Perhaps those blokes are shitty too and they are all settling because the don't want to be the last singleton - they'll be a good number of them looking for divorce in 10-15 years time. Shitty men make shitty husbands, and shitty dads. Do not do that to yourself or any future children.

Please keep your dignity.
if this man unblocks you just delete his number.
He wasn’t your boyfriend. He wasn’t your partner. He’s a man you met a few times.

At this stage he should be in his best behaviour, trying to impress you. He’s been an Oik.
Ignore & move on.

Yes @Gymnasticsalltheway You are missing the red flag (s). You DID tell him that you'd like him to come over to your area and you did tell him clearly that it was a NO to you going to him this time? That's what I understand from your post?

Assuming I've got that right, he completely ignored what you said and decided to go ahead regardless. So a controlling individual and it's a fairly recent relationship. He will become more controlling as time goes on if you stay with him. He has demonstrated meanness by then making out it is your fault. So that's at least 3 🚩🚩🚩

And he has blocked you now, so he's dumped you in any case. Send him the £20 quid or not and then put him out of your mind. If you pay him the money, he may come back to you, but if he does just ignore him

There was no misunderstanding here.

He knew the plan was to meet up near yours somewhere, the 'where' to be decided nearer the time/on the day.

He knew you specifically did not want to go to his, again.

He ignored this, bought food, stayed silent to see if you'd chase him.

When you didn't do that, he blew up your phone when he would have been pretty sure you were at work, so unable to answer it.

Then he accuses you of cheating/lying etc because you didn't answer your phone straight away/call him back immediately (and this is why he waited til he was sure you'd be at work, and didn't call you earlier in the day!).

He has set this situation up to try to make it plausible (in his own mind) that you're in the wrong, in order to be in control, manipulate you, have a go at you.

He doesn't want a proper relationship with you, he wants to push you around, control you, have you hanging off his every word, running around after him, paying for him...and some sex on top.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking a shitty relationship like this is better than no relationship at all - it isn't!

Am I supposed to believe this?

He bought food. Why would you have to pay him back for food he will eat himself?

Tell him that you truly, honestly wasn’t with someone else but you fully intend to be from now on.

Tosser.

also agreed. When you have children with a difficult person you are linked to them forever. He sounds like a difficult person, very entitled, who gets stroppy and gaslights when he does not get his way. Not what you need in his life.

A friend of mine who could not find a suitable partner conceived with a sperm donor in her late 30s. She is much better off than being joined at the hip with a loser.

If you are only 30 then you have time, and you have options.

You may wish to 'be like everyone else and married, pregnant etc" but
Choose wisely,
He is what we call a mind f*.
Unhappy and then claims you cheat.
Harrasing you while at a works do.
Oh please, block and good bye you want this drama already. No way.

Dump. In the bin

Send £20 and be glad it cost you so little

He's a misogynistic, love bombing gaslighter controlling and probably a cocklodger

You are a nurse with a purse. He is quite clearly unstable.

If you lost your job how would you behave? Id probably think " poor chap doesn't want o be with a looser like me now unemployed" and sent them free.

You are better than this.

A friend of mine got into an abusive coercive controlling relationship. It started off pretty much like how you describe OP, then it got progressively worse. She eventually saw sense fortunately,

Lots of big red flags OP.

He was wrong and odd to jump to cheating with no precedent but it sounds like you just went AWOL when he was trying to confirm arrangements because you felt indignant.

You don't owe him money, he can use the pizzas and the plan wasn't to go to his. Because you wanted to not do the travel for once.

I think the reasons for saying 'dump' are that he is jumping to accusations, and he is pushing for money when he bought food without confirming, also it is petty. Although I understand he is short at the minute.

I do think you were petty to ignore his calls though too. It sounds all a bit immature for 30, I'm afraid (although he is worse). If dates can't go to your house ever then you need to make arrangements so travel and visits etc are balanced.

I agree with 'dump' but I also think you can learn lessons too.