Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

Girls and their mothers can make for plenty of trouble at that age, in my experience. Some of the stuff that goes on...mothers desperate for their girls to have social standing and they don't care who they trample over to get it.

I have two girls with autism and I could write a book about the behaviour of other mothers in particular.

But at this age everyone is developing their social skills and it may be that your daughter is not as advanced as these two and they have decided to move on.

They may say everything is the same but then actions speak louder than words and just look at what they have done here! They are sending your daughter a powerful message, supported by their parents, perhaps even encouraged by their parents.

Three is a tricky number and some people will decide to be proactive to get their child into prime position with a friend rather than risk their child being left out.

There isn't much you can do tbh. Let your daughter find other friends and leave these two to it xx

@Treacle2024

How did your DD manage to hand Poppy her present whilst Molly was off at Poppy's party without DD? Poppy must have been with your DD (and Molly) and then left? Then Molly left? So they both were with DD at first in a different location?

Holy effing s-. No way is your DD being too sensitive!! I am a grown woman and would feel pretty broken by this.

What are these women like? Any flaws? I'd be soooo tempted to lay in to their image if the opportunity arose and say 'Why are you being so sensitive? You must know you are fat/ wrinkly/ fugly' 😂 Not really. But seriously... their personalities are hideous. I'd actually just distance.

They were all at an event together first - OP says this in her first post.

I would talk to the mums of these girls. Something not right there. Not sure but the girl that said she was going to a party, but not who’s , all kids say who’s . Parents don’t help this situations!
hope you sort this , sending hugs to you both x

Yes that's what I'm querying.

Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough.

So when did Poppy leave? Was OP not bothered enough to notice? DD handed Poppy her birthday present, didn't notice Poppy leaving, Molly then leaves (?) and is asked where she's going, she replies, "a birthday party" without any mention of Poppy who's been there literally moments ago, and DD has presented with a birthday present??

Read to me as though the event they all attended was at some previous time, not the same day and definitely not moments earlier.

There's a full stop before "yesterday".

Ahhhh yes. Yesterday isn't capitalised so it read as a full sentence.

Makes sense now if they were two separate days.

The problem in the story you described is poppy’s parents.. they probably find an excuse to end the phone call to separate your daughter letting you know that’s molly’s not mature enough..
also some parents are judgmental and judge children very quickly which is in most case not fair.
you probably better take your distance with parents and let your daughter still having chat with her friends or trying find others.. I am sure there’s plenty of girls who would like to have new friends even at this age

11 is far too young for having a phone IMO

It's so called friends did that to me I'd be upset.

I would not want my daughter texting either of those children again. They are not friends.

That was really mean and I would think twice about them still being friends. I know we have to allow our children to make their own way but sometimes you have to step in. The parents are gaslighting you.

This always happens in a triangular friendship. It's mean and hurtful. Try to find some new friends for Sarah and hope she will understand that friendship is never equal between friends. True friends won't hurt her feelings. Hug.

I don’t understand why Molly’s mother banned Poppy from the phone group, but still let Molly go to Poppy’s party. I bet Molly and Poppy still phone each other and separately phone your DD. Molly’s mother appears to be the one making trouble between the girls.

What a mean thing to do to your DD. What makes it worse is that the parents were a part of it. I feel for you both.

Wow that was a truly horrible thing to do 😐

A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.

i don’t get this. She ended the chat for the 3, presumably she didn’t make her daughter block her individually, but she is the one she allegedly has the problem
with. Yet she is happy for her daughter to go to her birthday party (on top of excluding your DD) and video call her to rub it in - sounds like a bit of a two-faced bitch.

Maybe she lied when she said she didn’t like Poppy but wanted the 3-way chat to stop bc of your daughter? I can’t think why this would be but she doesn’t sound like one to be trusted.

As a PP said perhaps try to encourage your daughter to make new friends, maybe through some different hobbies and activities? If she is anxious this may be challenging but you never know, she may click with someone on day 1 and her social circle will have widened so she isn’t as reliant on those 2 toxic girls.

A man ran into me with his car and told me it was my fault for not walking on the pavement. I had been walking on the pavement. I was stood on the pavement.

My point to this story is you think that when someone has done something so wrong - they would at least say sorry. Instead people have a habit of deflecting and making it about the person who has been on the receiving end of shoddy behaviour.

I am so sorry for your daughter. She is not over sensitive. That was so mean and then they have added in insult to injury.

In my experience close friendship groups of three women friends can be great fun and joyful to begin with, then one person decides she will be particularly friendly with one of the trio and omit the third from activities leading to deep emotional hurt and insecurity. Poor Sarah is learning an unpleasant life lesson very early on, one not made easier by her health issues.

The old adage “Two’s company, three’s a crowd” is sadly generally true.

A big hug to Sarah.

I'm 50 years old and that would have upset me. Your dd is not too sensitive and if they wanted to talk to her why not invite her seems like they were deliberately trying to make her feel left out.

I wonder if it this is the case? I also wonder if Mollys mum doesn't like op /Sarah? I find it strange that Mollys mum wants to 'ban them from talking as a 3' (because Poppy is more 'mature'? What excuse is this?) and 'doesnt like Poppy' and yet organized a secret party for which Sarah was not included with both Poppy and Molly plus parents having a good time? Just seems to me that op and Sarah are slowly being excluded. I dont blame Molly or Poppy for calling Sarah, I think they were a bit thoughtless but they didnt do it to be mean overall. They are kids and kids dont always think. But the parents behavour send red flags for me.

💯💯💯%. It seems to me Sarah and OP are slowly getting excluded. Or something else is going on here??

I'm afraid I can't imagine what else it might be, other than what you say above.

I cannot fathom why Sarah wasn't invited, having been close friends with both of them for 2 years, especially after the strange remark from Molly's mum about not liking Poppy, and it does seem rather sneaky of Molly not mentioning whose party she was going to. It must have really hurt Sarah and you (I used to always get upset privately about any unpleasantness my daughter had to endure with other girls when she was young).

I think that the parents you challenged (quite rightly!) about their insensitive, mean behaviour were gas lighting you by claiming Sarah is too sensitive, they are just being defensive, as they know really that they were out of order.

Now she is 11, Sarah is at the start of high school, which is the perfect time to meet and make new friends, which may not be easy but it's time for her to widen her circle of friends, and give the other two creeps a wide berth in due course (when she feels ready to completely cut loose from them). The mothers sound really bitchy and uncaring - bet you can't wait to see the back of them either!

Time they were Ex friends …nasty !!!