Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

The parents are twisted if they thought that was ok!!

I'm an adult and it would upset me if my so called best friends did this to me so no your dd is not being too sensitive. Absolutely awful of the girls and particularly the parents for allowing that phone call to happen.

I'd be upset about that and I'm 50! It's just plain unkind.

Not over sensitive at all. My 10 Yr old has been in this situation before. Its nasty. I called it out and won't have my child a part of it

Na

I am sorry but this is mean girl vibes ! Of course she is not being oversensitive . I feel angry for you and i don't even know them!

To rub her nose in the fact she hadn’t been invited by calling her was callous, cruel and the behaviour of a total prick. Probably the kids get their (bad) manners from their parents but I don’t know how involved the parents were.
I believe what goes around comes around, if you treat people badly it will catch up with you.
I don’t accept tolerating poor behaviour like this on the grounds that your DD doesn’t have many friends, it’s not right, end of.
It’s a bit like having a partner who undermines you and erodes your self esteem. In that case it’s better to have no partner than a partner like that. Likewise with these friends.
Of course they are only 11 and stupid kids do stupid stuff.
Hope DD finds better friends.

I love my daughter and she loves. No one can upset us like that because they don't occupy any space in our hearts.

I would teach your daughter that people can be fun to hang around with but if you want trust and loyalty buy a dog.

I would guess that Poppy is jealous - she doesn't like how close the other two are, and so is excluding your daughter. My daughter has been there. In my case, we just focused on the strong friendship and didn't join in with the drama.

Have raised four 11 year olds. Two boys two girls. They are all sensitive; most people are sensitive. We all need to learn to be less sensitive when dealing with the insensitive actions of OTHERS. I would be more concerned that the other two young ladies were too insensitive. Let your 11 year old know that what they did was insensitive; that they lack in the empathy department and that there are many people out there who are insensitive and that learning to grow a "thick skin" is important in certain situations, such as this one. The two girls should be allowed this faux pas once, and your daughter to show forgiveness. Then your daughter, IF this happens again, has to make a choice if she wants "friends" who show insensitivity more than once.

My 11 year old would be devastated and very confused. She is waiting for ASD assessment and currently has a DLD diagnosis, and really struggles to understand peers motives and recognised poor behaviour towards herself. We have to monitor her phone use very closely to limit misunderstandings and ensure she is safe, her network records her calls and texts and we can access them from our phones. Her vulnerability became very clear towards the end of year 4/start of year 5 and she was left out of so much by her peers and children she considered long term friends. She had things stolen, 'swapped' things and was manipulated into doing inappropriate things. After few cruel incidents were clamped down hard by her primary school who would not accept discrimination in school she had a slightly easier time.
She has started at an SEN school for year 7 and has started actually making friends who in her words are straightforward.

It was mean. My 11 year old would have been upset about it and I would too. I am for you! I find that age group is quite mean and unkind. 11 is the new 13-14. I also think that parents hold on to these issues more than the children do so if your daughter still wants to go back to those friends then a watchful eye for sure but don’t stop it.

It’s also ok to invite just one of those friends to something with your daughter, I fell into the trap of inviting the “three” and all it did was cement the bond of the other two.

I would be devastated for dd. I would take her out and spoil her so she knows she is loved.

So you still call these girls 'friends'? They rubbed it in, when they didn't need to, and the intention was to say 'you are not here with us'.

Wow! That's really spiteful! Also I don't like how sensitive is seen as some awful character flaw or pathetic weakness. Some people are sensitive. It's part of who they are.

They were showing her, very cruelly and deliberately, a party that she wasn't invited to. Mean girls with mean parents. I'd remove your DD from them all. Your poor girl.

Oh and why would you let her spend her own pocket money on others children's gifts?! That's YOUR expense, not hers. Poor form

She’s not being sensitive at all!! That was very selfish of the two of them to do that behind her back despite them all being friends! I’m glad you cut the video call short as I’m an adult and I’d be upset if that had happened to me! Please let your daughter know that she will find her people soon as those girls don’t deserve her kindness