Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

It’s rude and incredibly bad manners to not invite someone to an event ( leave them out on purpose) and then video call them to let them know they’ve been left out

to find this out after the event would have been unfortunate

but to call the other left out child is taking the piss

the parents are trying to now blame an 11 year old child is a shit show

twats

They were out of order. Hope your DD is ok

But it sounds like Molly has the same disability as Sarah? Or maybe Sarah is more obviously affected?

From OP's updates, I would say that it is probably unlikely that the friendship either girl has with Poppy will surive puberty and secondary school. If Poppy is NT and going to a mainstream school she will develop teenage interests and lifestyle very soon and it doesn't sound like Molly or Sarah will be ready for that. If Molly and Sarah are together at the same SEND school then their friendship is likely to remain intact.

The mums behaved horribly (well, certainly Poppy's mum - unclear on how much Molly's mum knew about it other than taking Molly to Poppy's party) and I think Poppy has to take some responsibility as an NT 11 year old. I would be tempted to absolve Molly of much blame. She has a brain injury and is ND - if she was told that Sarah would be happy to hear from them and see the dances, I could see her taking that at face value?

Definitely Sarah is not being sensitive though. I would be devastated by that as an adult.

Your daughter is not being sensitive however it sounds like your daughter may need more independence to be able to grow and develop other friendships as often at this age they will lose friends and gain other friends but if she doesn't have the independence to do that she may struggle even more.

Ah ignore me it was Mollly's mum not Sarah's!!

Awful. My dd at 10 had 2 friends that became close with eachother. They would do stuff together and at sleepovers FaceTime my dd but say they were not together and ask questions on what dd thought of the friend it was horrible. They excluded her all year and she followed them around at school as they were friends for so long and she had no one else.

Christ? That hurt my feelings.

Bless your daughter...she isn't too sensitive at all.

The other mum was incredibly tactless and deliberately spiteful, if she thought the call wouldn't upset your daughter.

they both have one line of treatment which is the same, which is how they know eachother. They were both in hospital for years without going home when they were younger.
now Sarah has more I suppose time in hospital as there is a few extra things however both have similar tubes / bags.

No she is not too sensitive. That was mean and the girls knew it. Being hurt is a reasonable reaction. Encourage her to be up front with how she felt.

My 11 year old daughter would be just as heartbroken. We are waiting to get her assessed for autism and she sounds just like your daughter, and it would devastate me as her mum. These friends are toxic and nasty and she can do better than them. I would promote breaking free from these and assuring her that she will find her people when she goes through high school. My daughter is finally starting to make some friends.

Good luck to her, sending her our love and best wishes

Definitely not oversensitive. I'd use this as an example to my children that some people are arseholes. and then we talk about how to deal with arseholes and how not to let it bother us.

Very spiteful, did parents say why she wasn't invited? All sounds very toxic towards your daughter, as hard as it is though you cannot get involved, it will make it harder for Sarah, find out if she has any other friends, perhaps invite them for tea after school, see how things progress.

sounds like something has happened which caused one of the mums to stop the 3 way chat sounds like you don’t know the full story as to why which is probably what lead to your daughter not being invited! No I would of been Pissed too but as a parent I’ve an ridiculously over sensitive asd boy of 12 I know there’s always more to the story and an underlying you just haven’t been told that yet and if it was my son I’d be finding out exactly what happened ! It will have been what ever caused the 3 way calls to stop in my opinion. Also are you sure they rang her and she hadn’t rang her friend wondering why she’s not at this party and wanted to know what there all doing ?! Either way horrible kids and parents and I would be trying to redirect to child to some nicer kids or a new group of friends but I also know how hard that can be for asd kids once friendship is formed. Feel for your daughter x

That’s awful, and I feel so sad for Sarah.
My 10yo is pretty robust but would have been devastated by that, as would I tbh.
Sounds like the mum is a bit gaslighty?

Agree 100% wouldn’t be shocked if it wasn’t encouraged by the parents given their opinion to cause the conflict given said parents didn’t invite Sarah along knowing she’s their child’s best friend. Sounds like it’s a adult issue

What a shitty thing to do!

That’s bullying! How is Sarah supposed to feel?

Unbelievably unkind. I don't think the parents should have excluded one little girl from a party nor allowed the video to be sent. It shows a complete lack of empathy. I'm sorry for Sarah and for you. People are unbelievable.

Now that I have read this:

Molly's Mother is manipulating you and the entire situation.

Poppy's Mother is a discriminating C*nt.

Molly's Mum - She wants her ND daughter to still be seen as normal, popular, and be in with the popular girl. At the same time, she wants Molly to have Sarah as backup support at school and can still be seen as having a "Friend" whom understands her plight. She's playing both sides/devil's advocate.

It's up to you how you want to approach Molly's two-faced Mother.

Poppy's Mum needs to see this thread (she will probably show Molly's Mum). This is the only way to show her insecure, discriminatory self how she looks to other people. I would even have a chat with the other school Mum's and put the cat-amongst-the-pigeons. Sometimes it only takes one or two words to thoroughly destroy a c*nt from the inside out.

I would throw a party and not invite Poppy. Your daughter deserves a party of her own, after what those little cows did. Invite Molly - Use her just like her Mum is using you. Your daughter gets to have a friend when it is convenient for her, then.

If Poppy's Mother kicks off - Remind her to not be so sensitive!

So, Molly's mum doesn't like Poppy (apparently), and aren't allowed to three-way chat. Yet little Molly was at Poppy's birthday party 🤔
I mean, does M's mum not realise how ridiculously contradictory she sounds!
But yes, very shitty behaviour to at least not extend an invite. Clear your daughter is very upset at it all being kept hush hush and then rubbed in her face (whether intended or not). The parents certainly knew what they were doing as it sounds like Molly was told to keep quiet.

As an almost 50 year old that would have really hurt me. Terrible judgement from the parents. Also agree with the advice from BiancaBlank 👆🏻

Also! I don't think Molly's Mother stopped the calls - I think Poppy's Mother did this. Just like she was too chicken sh*t to invite your daughter, or to appropriately explain why she wasn't and instead went on to insult her; I think she went to Molly's Mother and asked if she could intervene on her behalf and stop the calls. So, you have the manipulative Molly's Mother who seems fairly experienced in twisting situations for her own benefit (including advocating for Poppy's Mother) and Poppy's Mother who clearly doesn't like Sarah.

Such unkind behaviour by the parent and a bad example to the children. Some people have the sensitivity of a rock.

You’ll always find it’s the ones dishing it out, who are claiming that others are too sensitive. You can be sure it would be a different story if they were on the receiving end. May they all have a taste of their own medicine!

I'm 6 times older than your DD and I'd be extremely upset if my so-called best friends did something like that to me. So no, to my mind, she's not being too sensitive at all, it's on the other parents for allowing this.

So she should just accept that these friends did something horrible and forget it?