Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

11 is a very difficult age in girls friendships and I think they can benefit from some parental advice because it’s all very new to them while we’ve been round that block.

I’d be appalled if my dd had done what Molly and Poppy did. And I was very grateful to dd’s friend’s mum letting me know about a situation where something dd did had hurt her daughter’s feelings. It just required a little gentle guidance to see each others pov, and avoided weeks of drama and angst.

The problem is that as ex-young girls we adults can easily get triggered by situations with our dds. And it sounds like this is happening, my advice is step back and avoid secondary conflict - no one needs that.

It strikes me that you haven’t really listened to what Molly’s dm was saying about Poppy. I’d be wondering what “mature” meant exactly - is she interested in things like make up/skin care that Molly’s mum isn’t ready for? Or sharing something more worryingly inappropriate? I found that other parents were as concerned and careful as I was about tech and internet but we had all drawn different lines, and maybe regarded each other with a bit of suspicion and judgement. Talking about these things with your dc’s friends is so helpful, not just for shutting down the “but everyone else is allowed” conversations, and for insights and information.

It could also be that she was seeing a common dynamic in groups of threes where two gang up on one.

The gap in maturity between nd and nt kids can start to stretch around this age, and it could be that this relationship is coming to an end. Facing that squarely, and helping your dd find other social connections is going to be vital if that’s the case (and I’m sending you a hug because I’ve been there)

Step back from the texts for a day or two and then meet the other mums for a coffee and chat and see where that goes. It’s useful to have allies - which are a very different thing to friends.

Your DD was not being over sensitive. That was very unkind and the sort of behaviour that parents should be stepping in to stop, not defending it and blaming your DD for being upset.

The only thing I would possibly defend is the stopping of 3-way phone calls. My DD used to be in a group of three and eventually I pulled the plug on her attending or hosting play dates for the three of them. There was always drama and someone being left out. When we switched to just two person play dates it became obvious that DD was closer with one of the girls than the other and over time that friendship naturally cooled which was fine.

I feel angry on Sarah's behalf. That is low behaviour from so-called friends. Getting left out cuts really deep. Lots of adults get upset just seeing a picture on social media of their friends out together and enjoying themselves when they haven't been invited. Sarah is not being too sensitive.

No regarding poppy it’s because molly is quite “ young “ for 11. Poppy has never shared anything not appropriate but she can be the ring leader and is more confident.
I just find it a bit odd that mollys mum is always talking badly about poppy - blaming poppy for things like molly writing down swear words etc blaming that in closing the group chat down but then allowing it still individually - makes no sense.

when I spoke to Sarah about molly swearing, Sarah told me if was only molly and not poppy who was the one blamed.

I then stayed out of it 🤣

I think the other parents sound horrid. All very well not to invite dd but they should've shown some tact and sensitivity toward an 11 who was not invited.

Honestly if I was in your shoes I would be raising a riot, not abiut the not being invited, but the callous and frankly bitchy act of calling and rubbing Sarah's face in it is utterly disgraceful and the other parents should be ashamed of the horrible behaviour of their kids.

My dd has an immunity condition that causes her to have severe allergic reactions to unknown things. As such she is rarely invited to parties associated with school and like you I have long since given up trying to host them as no one shows up.

I am so sorry for your dd, I hope she is OK.

This is a horrible age for girls and friendships, but definitely not aided by parents who can't/ won't see fault in their kids.

Calling the uninvited from the party is classic in your face mean girl behavior.

A. Can never really talk to a parent and have success - esp if that parent thinks sun shines out her DD bumhole.

Focus on your daughter. How she feels, role play how she might maturely handle these conflicts as there will be many in her future as teen girl world is cruel.
role play what to say.
why girls might have done this (power?) and not let them have the power.

there is excellent podcasts for mums on teen girls - “This is so awkward” & some great books on puberty & girls.

Your scenario is 100% happening every day can find help in

Untangled book by Dr Lisa Damour

Can you help to encourage any other interests for Sarah? Drama, art classes, guides etc. She may find more like minds although I know some kids don't want to join in things where they don't know anyone else. Something which covers different ages would be best (maybe her friend from the year below would be interested). I don't think she's too sensitive but building resilience and depending less on these two girls would be a benefit.

It sounds to me like Poppy’s parents, and possibly Poppy herself, are trying to push your DD out so that Poppy and Molly can be best friends, just the two of them.

Either Poppy and Molly were purposely unkind or they were encouraged to video call by Poppy’s mum who said something to deceive them that it would be a ‘nice thing’ for Sarah. That’s why the Mum was defensive and blamed Sarah for being sensitive. She’ll use that supposed sensitivity to drive a bigger wedge between Sarah and Molly, and to persuade Molly to hang out with just Poppy.

Your DD sounds quite quiet, but you don’t have to be passive. Actively encourage the friendship between Sarah and Molly and leave Poppy out. That sounds blunt, but it’s what they’re trying to do to your DD. Also, agree with Molly’s mum that Poppy is a ‘bad influence’ and then she’ll be keener to have Molly spend more time with Sarah.

I know that sounds scheming, but having gone through something similar with a three-girl friendship, it’s scheme or be the victim of scheming.

I really think your DD needs to make new friends. Easier said than done. I don't think she was unreasonable to be hurt by their behaviour. It wasn't very kind.

Is it possible Molly's mum is trying to save your feelings and using poppy as a scapegoat to change the group dynamics?

Is it possible that Molly and Poppy are wanting to spend time together without Sarah so Molly's mum used Poppy as an excuse to cut the group and not hurt your feelings?

When things don't make sense, it's often a sign that something else is going on.

Whatever it is, the friendship isn't healthy or positive for Sarah so I would focus energy on expanding her social circle.

It sounds really tough for Sarah at the moment, which in turn must be tough for you. Wishing you both the best.

This happens a lot with social media nowadays.Mostly kids realise they have been excluded from others stories etc when at parties. It was a bit OTT to call and not sensitive of them but I am afraid this is girls and you have a lot more years of this to get through yet. They learn to let it bother them less.

You and DD aren’t sensitive, that’s really mean.

if I were the other parent I would have not allowed that phone call, and if I hadn’t seen it but you then made me aware I’d have apologised profusely and had a work with my DD about being mindful of how people feel! It’s one thing not to be invited but another to rub faces in it.

she will find her people xxx

Think about it OP, if it were your friends who did this to you wouldn't you be hurt? I would and I'm a 44-year old mum! It's heartbreaking for an 11 year old girl. Awful behaviour, especially by the parents. If she didn't want to invite Sarah, then fine but weird if they are supposed to be friends. But to videocall to rub it in it's just awful and typical mean girls behaviour. I would tell the parents that anyone in this situation would be hurt and that Sarah considered Poppy as a friend so not being invited would obviously sting so atleast they could have been discreet not calling her to make her feel even more leftout...

You sound like such a great, caring mother OP and I think Sarah will be fine thanks to having you by her side. 🌻

That's absolutely awful. Your poor DD

Molly's mum is an arse as well

1. That's nasty
2. This is why 11 year old children shouldn't have smartphones
3. This obsession with smartphones and likes/follows/sharing videos/calling etc shows exactly why young children and teens have such awful mental health
4. Remove the smartphone - she'll be a lot happier in the long run.

@Treacle2024 whose Mum decided Poppy could not chat in the 3? While I think the other girls have been unkind, if you have said they can’t be a 3 then this situation was bound to happen. But if Molly’s Mum said it, it is very odd that Molly went to Poppy’s party.

I agree. Not inviting Sarah was hurtful enough but that phone call is really nasty.

OP, this is not meant to sound insensitive, but she is reaching an age where her disabilities are becoming a barrier to her friendship group.
When children are small, they are more accepting of disability, but sadly as they get older they become less so.
I suspect, unfortunately, that Sarah’s disability is now coming between her and her friends, because they don’t want to be friends with the disabled child. I have been there and speak from personal experience.
I would be encouraging her to make different friends perhaps within her disability group. Is there a group for people with her specific needs that you could join locally, which might help her to mix with children who are like her and more more likely to understand her needs and be tolerant? Will they be going to the same secondary school?

They excluded Sarah and then rubbed it in her face, and the parents are minimising it. It's bullying.

At least one of the parents sounds a bit controlling, tbh. I don’t buy “trying to save your feelings,” it sounds more like social engineering for her own ends, to the perceived social benefit of her own child and the detriment of yours - maybe because she thinks it is harming her child’s social standing to be seen to be too close to yours. And what a load of rubbish that your child is too sensitive - the girls are 11, not 3, and the parents plenty old enough to know their behaviour and their children’s behaviour was hurtful. They expect you to suck it up, though, because your child is in a weak position, and the level of friendship they are offering is better than nothing. They are clearly pulling away from your dd on a certain level, though, with the support, or possibly active encouragement, of their parents.

Awful behaviour and I would be encouraging the end of the friendships due to the parents attitudes

She is not too sensitive. That's really poor form from Poppy, especially if your DD thinks enough of her to buy her a lovely thoughtful gift.

Whether you are 11 year old girls or 47 year old women. Two friends calling another friend from a party she wasn’t invited to is pretty fucking cruel. If I were the parents of Molly and Poppy I’d be furious with them.

I try not to indulge in my DD’s friendships but;

• it was awful for Poppy not to invite her
• it was worse for them to call from the party
• the parents sound vile
• you have every justification for feeling hurt, upset and furious about this