Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

Awful behaviour all round. Your poor daughter. I hope she can find some real friends soon. None of this is your fault, or hers.

I agree that 3's never work - someone is always left out - and that the other 2 in the triangle were cruel to your DD in this instance.

Mums who are quick to minimise cruel behaviour from their kids and accuse others of being overly sensitive are always arseholes and always have arsehole kids. I'd be snapping back at that one.

As for DD, she's learning a lesson that all teenagers learn - sometimes friends can turn out to be anything but. I don't think you need to shield her from that, OP.

She has to learn to navigate this stuff.

This is spot on which is why I’m confused 🤣🤣🤣

Yeh see this I don’t see because she individually does support Sarah and hers friendship, including literally begging me to choose the same school next year so they have each other.

I do think next year will be very different

Sarah and molly both have a form of ND and brain injury’s … poppy is a neurotypical 11 year old ( they are all still in year 6 )
Sarah is nearly 11
poppy has just turned 11 so oldest in her year
and molly was held back a year.

next year Sarah and molly will likely attend the same school and poopy will be in the local mainstream.

It's really tough OP. I wouldn't cause a drama but I'd interpret this as Sarah's invitation to expand her own friendships. I appreciate that this is more difficult with the complexities of her medical condition but it's also probably all the more vital that she doesn't latch on to girls who don't really acknowledge her or show loyalty to her as an equal. I'd just cool right off with the mums and have lots of talks to Sarah about what a genuine friendship is. She might not feel it at 11 but ultimately she's better being a 'loner' who keeps it real, is sure about who she is and is comfortable in her own skin than playing 2nd fiddle to a bunch of mean girls. I hope she can navigate her way through this peacefully bless her xx

I completely understand your reasoning for giving her a phone, but isn't this situation one of the arguments for not giving young kids phones?
They just arn't emotionally mature enough to understand how their actions could affect others. I mean 11 feels really young to me. I feel I want to defend these other girls from all the PPs calling them "mean" and "awful" - they are 11!! They arn't thinking like adults, they probably have barely developed empathy. Throwing phones into the mix is just going to accelerate the creation of drama, out of misunderstanding and clumsiness...
I think you need to really keep in top of their communication at this age. They just arn't mature enough.

YANBU OP.

As an adult, I’d be upset if my two close friends called me from an event that I’d not been invited to.

my DD of the same age would be heartbroken and she’s a fairly resilient child. How bitchy! Your poor DD.

Definitely not over sensitive.

I got upset when friends posted photos on MySpace of a (supposed) friend's 18th party I hadn't been invited to. Not a 'crying my eyes out' upset, but feeling low upset.

Children can be just as mean to each other without smart phones. I had a similar situation happen to me via a landline at roughly the same age. This situation wasn't caused by miscommunication, inappropriate/immature use of social media, grooming or even using phones in a way that adults weren't aware of. They called Sarah in full view of the parents. This scenario has nothing to do with phones.

She has every right to be upset.
My daughter spent most of her school years in a ‘3’. Though the girls were lovely; I do think it has affected her. She has a fear of missing out which has come from always wondering if something was happening she wasn’t part of; or always having to wait because it was hard to make arrangements. At uni this has led to excessive partying because she can’t say no.
You are right to be upset for her and with the parents. They should know better.

Really

That would upset me at 31

This exact thing happened to my daughter recently (same age, similar friendship dynamics).

The only thing that pissed me off was that they called her to rub her face in the fact that she wasn't invited. If the parents knew that was happening I'd also think less of them for allowing it to happen as well.

Daughter was upset and has had a painful lesson that sometimes people are cruel. She's also 11 so I don't want to push too much as she still wants to be friends with these girls but I sincerely hope this friendship simmers out as she moves to highschool.

YADNBU

I don't think your DD was too sensitive. I think she responded to being left out and having it rubbed in her face as anyone might. It sounds like the other mother is a bitch, actually with some serious lack in social skills. I would try and encourage new friendships and / or wait til the mother isn't the puppeteer in her kid's existence.

@Treacle2024 not sensitive at all, that’s just mean. Reading your post, I really felt bad for your daughter and the parents sound like a bunch of idiots xx

Molly..... is a frenemy. Wouldn't blame poppy too much she can invite whoever she wants, and hasn't been Sarah's friend for too long.

However, Molly is a longstanding friend and obviously lacks social skills. She is disloyal, which will not stand her in good stead in the long term. If her mother thinks she can't do wrong, you know where the issue originates. I say ditch Molly and her mum or dial contact and how much yous hare with them down.

Are they at the same school? Maybe it's time forSarah to spread her wings and find people who she has something in common with. It's typical age for friendships to grow apart.

Molly is just 11 but she needs to develop a backbone. Maybe she'll learn from this.

Sadly I know dozens of girls who would do exactly what Molly and Poppy did.

That is really horrible!

The parents who allowed them to call were to blame!

11 year olds can be particularly mean to each other, I've found. I would focus less on the two other girls and instead focus on building different relationships. Before you know it they'll be 14 and have completely different circles of friends.

I had 3 Dds ... now adults. All different personalities and of variable resilience. They would all have been upset by this scenario, and rightly so. Your DD is not being oversensitive at all.
Girls do have these fallings-out ... I spent many years mopping them all up. I found it best to stay out of it all and just provide hugs and hot chocolate as required.

This is awful. Your poor girl. She isn't being over sensitive. She was always going to be rightly devastated by this. It almost seems parent driven to cause a division between the girls. I have actually seen a few parents go to some petty low lengths to control there kids friendships so I wouldn't totally rule this out. Honestly try focus on building new friendships for your DD. These girls are horrible as are the parents of at least one of them.

As a woman in her 40s I'd be gutted if two friends did this.

I come off Facebook after seeing loads of posts from a party I wasn't invited to because it made me feel so rubbish!

I feel sorry for Sarah.

I'm in my late 30s and would probably still be a bit hurt in that scenario.... She's not being too sensitive, it was a really thoughtless thing to do. My under 10s know not to talk about birthday parties with people who didn't attend so they don't feel left out.

This type of post crops up regularly on MN. Why do parents still allow it to happen that they invite all but one of a friendship group. Uncaring and hurtful behaviour. Bad parenting.