Would your 11 year old be upset or is mine “ too sensitive “

[Treacle2024]

I’m willing for you tell me that she is and I need to stop pandering to her but I feel for her 🥹

I am going to try not drip feed
a friendship of 3 girls including daughter
we will call them Sarah ( DD ) molly ( friend 1 ) and poppy ( friend 2 )

Sarah and molly have known each other from 3 years old and were going through the same treatment as each other. We do allow them phones in which we monitor and this is because Sarah can spend a lot of time in isolation and so she has a small amount of contacts on their but mainly it’s a group call of Sara, molly and poppy.
poppy and Sarah met via molly who were friends previously but have now all been close for around 2 years. A few months ago molly’s mum decided that the girls could not chat together as a 3 anymore - there was no real reason but stated it was because she didn’t like poppy.
poppy is more mature than Sarah and molly apparently.
sarah is autistic but in a timid sort of way,
Sarah spent a lot of her pocket money on both molly and poppy for their birthdays and gave poppy hers at event we all attended.
yesterday, Sarah and molly were on the phone sat next to me and then molly said she had to go to a birthday party. Did not mention who’s and fair enough. Around an hour later they all video called her from poppy’s birthday party with the parents present. Sarah was heart broken, they were showing them their dances etc and I cut the call off.
last night I messaged the parents and said that it’s absolutely fine that Sarah was not invited but I felt it was quite mean and had upset Sarah that it was hidden and then they decided to call her during it to show her.
I was told that Sarah is just her sensitive and the girls just wanted to talk to her ! That I have my work cut out for me if she is so upset over it. Now I’m aware I will be jumped on about the phone situation but she doesn’t have the freedom that most children do and is isolated for long periods of time. These are her best friends and she will be devastated if I said right that’s enough you can’t talk to them anymore.

sorry I know that was a ramble.
is she too sensitive ?

I would be devastated as an adult let alone your poor DD.

Your child is not being over sensitive

I have an autistic girl who went through all of this kind of crap from the age of 11-14. I told her that it hurts better in year 10 and it did.

The same things happened to me.

It sounds to me that both Sarah and Molly will be going to a specialist school together. It will be better than a mainstream.

So, for now, distance her from Poppy and also try to encourage more clubs for autistic kids where possible to widen the friendship circle so she's not so dependent on Molly either. I'd be more wary of Molly and her parents too.

All you can do for Sarah is being a listening ear, show empathy and explain to her that crap things happen sometimes. Then plan something nice to do together.

With my girl, I do my best to work on her self esteem and remind her to put herself first because, unfortunately, that's what everyone else does. Autistic girls tend to have hearts of gold and get taken advantage of. My girl would always put herself last and was upset when people didn't do the same for her.

Thankfully, now she has a lovely group of friends and advocates for herself better but it's taken years of me being her champion and adviser to get her to that point.

Not hurts better...gets better!

Your daughter is not being over sensitive at all. They knew very well what they were doing making that call and they have behaved disgustingly.

If it were me I’d be completely disassociating from such nasty and toxic people, and I’d tell my DD that her feelings were very valid and that she deserves to have better and kinder friends than this.

The other girls Mum sounds horrible as well for saying your daughter is over sensitive, what a gas lighter.

She's not remotely oversensitive. That was cruel insensitive treatment of her by her two "friends" which was condoned by their parents rather than giving them the telling off they should have had.

ESPECIALLY as it sounds as though your daughter may have more limited mobility than her two friends. Excluded from the party and then had a dance demonstration. That's really thoughtless and their parents should have asked them to apologies for it.

In your shoes, I'd be encouraging other friendships and I'd be very wary of Molly's mother. She sounds like the type who wants to be friends when it suits her. I'd lay money that you frequently do favours for her and have Molly to stay over whereas Sarah's needs might prevent a reciprocal arrangement. Take a step back and assess where your "friendship" with her has benefited her more than you because she's not repaying you or Sarah with any loyalty.

Yeah, to me the villain of the piece is Molly's mum. Stopping the 3-way calls was clearly not about policing Molly's friendship wit Poppy, which is clearly going strong if the party behaviour is anything to go by. Either Molly's mum was actually trying to exclude Sarah, or Poppy was trying to exclude Sarah and Molly's mum facilitated/covered up. Either way, Molly's mum is shitting all over Molly and Sarah's longstanding friendship, while trying to ensure Molly still has a friend at school next year when she fears Poppy will sail off to the high school and forget all about Molly.

Hard to say whether it's worth you talking directly to her about all of this - it depends on whether you consider her your friend, and whether you think her clear anxieties about Molly' social chances seem to you to be reasonable grounds for tanking Sarah's. To me, Poppy is neither here nor there - her friendship with Sarah isn't longstanding and she'll be history in another year anyway.

YANBU though and neither is your dd. I often think these primary school friendships are like little marriages - and a significant proportion of the kids are always looking around for someone better to transfer their affections to. Maybe there'll be someone nice next year that Sarah can dump Molly for!

That sounds quite spiteful actually. However if the parents don't see that they are pretty stupid.
I remember a child who appeared to be sweet and kind deliberately excluding one of the friendship group from a birthday sleepover. I am a teacher and seeing the poor left out kid at school trying to pretend she didn't mind was truly awful. I remember thinking that I could not understand how the parent had allowed it. If it had been my dd she would have been told be kind or don't have a party at all.

My heart hurts for her, your poor girl, people can be soo cruel and ND kids are more vulnerable to mean behaviour sadly 😥

Appalling behaviour from grown ups who should know better, in fact it’s bordering on cruel.
Your daughter isn’t super sensitive, she and you reacted as most people would.

The call was deliberate and “sent a message”, so no, your daughter isn’t being over sensitive. Most people would be upset about being excluded and having someone rubbing it in their face like that - anyone saying she’s too sensitive has no empathy.

Is Mollys mum trying to create some sort of division here? Complaining that she doesn't like Poppy, trying to cause a division between the friendship group but then seding Molly along to Poppy's party and then calling Sarah to effectively rub her face in it?

I'd be watching Mollys mum very closely.

You’re NOT being unreasonable. If this happened to me as an adult it would make me sad, never mind to a child. The girls are old enough to know better, and the parents most certainly know better. Hope you can cheer her up in some way.

They knew what they were doing

Ah shit, I remember this sort of thing when I was 13 back in the 90's, a 'cool' friend appears and suddenly your situation-ship friend with someone easily lead dissapears, mine was because 'Lisa' wore dock marten boots and suddenly she had no time for her kind down to earth friend, she was an awkward teenager and we always looked daft together caus she was so tall, but i would have done anything for her! It's their loss Op. Deal with the fallout best you can x she will find REAL Friendship xxx

Lord, I'm an NT 47 year old and I would be upset if two of my friends deliberately excluded me and then called to rub my nose in it. Your daughter is not too sensitive and the parent that suggested that is an utter cow

I can’t really give you any advice, but wanted to say how very cruel this was. The parents should know better 😡😡 Your poor daughter 🙄

I think the parents of the other two girls stink. Why was your Daughter not invited? This is an example of how they parenting is going down the pan

Mumsnet is on Sarah’s side. How nasty and mean. They have all shown their colours here. Ultimately this is Sarah’s choice whether she wants to keep the friendships but I would be having a gentle conversation with her about her feelings and moving forward. I would also be looking to try to find her other friends and encouraging new friendships in her new school. My heart aches for her.

I would have just bought her a treat and had the wine for you or give as a gift.

Not sensitive at all that just mean

Just bitchiness. Mobile phones banned here, forever

Your poor daughter. I hope it's just thoughtless behaviour and not intentional bullying (which my own daughter was subjected to in yr 7).

As you've mentioned autism, I'd suggest her upset is likely rejection sensitive dysphoria. I personally think any tween girl would be upset at her two friends essentially leaving her out of a party and making it known, but if the other mum thinks not, then maybe flagging RSD to her and just asking to be more aware would be worthwhile.

It's bloody tough navigating years 5-9, more so with autism. Are there any local charities that run social groups she could get involved in?

This.

I was the left out child, in a very similar situation, where it’s clear in hindsight that the parents were the real problem as they were influencing their daughters. Also in hindsight it was one family more than the other, and it was orchestrated so they could have their daughters as “best friends” - one simple way to help girls bond is to leave a third out unfortunately. This was so painful for me at the time and the only suggestion I’d really have is to ask your daughter how it feels, really listen, and do some special things to help cheer her up just to acknowledge she’s having a hard time. If I could go back I wish I felt comfortable crying more about it. You don’t have to fix it, just let her have her feelings.

As for the parents - I suggest you expect better than them dismissing your child’s feelings. I bet they are two small minded individuals..