Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

marriage dosent equal committment at all.
Staying together does.
Are you saying that couples who have been together years arent committed they are. they have stayed together.
Why are you forcing something, its quite old fashioned today anyway.

If it aint broke dont try and fix it.
relationships split up married or not as you know.

Lol this relationship is broken alright. OP should thank her lucky stars this idiot didn’t listen to her ultimatum to get married because it would be a hell of a lot harder to split from him.
OP he’s showing his true colours- class A wanker. I’d get out of there ASAP. I hope he does have to sell his house now and realises what a knob he’s been and what he’s lost through his own behaviour

@PassingStranger marriage is a commitment and a legal contract with financial implications and child support implications.

Lots of police men think they have all the power at home too.

Be careful when "showing him what he's missing."

The man is beyond dim: he did not say "my will gives you life interest provision in this house", he simply told her verbally that his kids will let her stay on in the house were he to die and as long as she continues to pay the mortgage. There is no way that is enforceable after his death unless it's in his will. If his kids inherit and want to sell the house they can, making OP homeless.

So true. There are lots of lovely policemen I am sure but there’s also ones who go into the profession for more sinister reasons. I’ve known a few and they weren’t nice.

All OP needed was to have her name on the house, tenant in common probably, marriage unnecessary. Bf does not want that,

As for her potential inheritance, was op really going to share it with bf? He might inherit from his own parents too, he should share it with her? No.

Tbh, from the sound of him, he'll likely be looking for his next childminder and mortgage payer.
He's going to need someone quickly.
Don't be too upset if this happens really quickly. It's not about you. X

Absolutely it is a massive commitment and contract. It’s why ppl are wary of doing it. You need to think it through carefully.

So if something happened to me or you, would we want our dh re-marrying or putting an asset-less woman on the house? I wouldn’t, separate everything because my and dh assets are for our dc, nobody else’s thanks!

It is only the house we are talking about. Because inheritance or other funds can be left to their separate dc in a Will. If a house is co-owned jointly or in common then it goes to the co-owner. Bf does not want that, he considers her contributions as rent. The stuff about after he dies is nonsense from him, his ex would take control of the house no doubt.

I don’t know I’m starting to think it’s a bit grabby to want to inherit the property of a man you’ve been living with for only 3 years, over his children….

It doesn’t sit right with me.

I think you are right to break up though and focus on building assets for your own children and leave him to his.

Sorry your second para is not accurate legally. Muddled concepts, too much to unpack.

Only if he owns as joint tenants. If it’s a tenancy in common it can be left in the will. Any joint tenancy can be severed unilaterally at any time to make it a tenancy in common as well.

Anyway the “asset-less” woman in this case earns more than the man and without her contribution he’s likely to have to sell it. It’s very noble to want to leave stuff to your kids but you can’t just screw other people over in the process. Now it looks like he will have to sell so boo hoo to him and his kids I guess.

Not sure about whose ex would take control on his death but if he’s divorced an ex spouse is not entitled to anything unless it says so in the will and would take control of nothing.

@HomeTheatreSystem he has said to OP that it is in his will - see OPs update - a lifetime interest. If that's true it means she can live in it for the rest of her life. If he dies tomorrow that's potentially a very long time, for what is quite a short relationship. Totally legally enforceable. I think it's pretty generous. I wouldn't want my kids to have to wait 30, 40, 50 years for a short term partner to die before they got their inheritance when they could have it sooner and get themselves on the property ladder.

@Startinganew32

Yes I should have probably said "some"

I'm sorry, but have I missed your apology to the OP? It was VERY clear that she was paying towards a LOT more than the dickhead. The fact that she earns so much more but yet, only has a small deposit makes that perfectly clear for those with common sense and basic math.

I hope the OP updates us when she moves out and when he realizes his free holidays, take-aways, treats and are bye-bye.

OP--thank you for being logical and level-headed. he wanted it ALL and wasn't willing to share. I feel he actually thought you'd be a push-over and obviously though you were at his beck and call. I hope the dickhead has fun cleaning his house and cleaning up after his kids. I hope you don't plan to give him a penny more from this day forward. Make him buy and prepare his own food, do his own laundry and clean up after himself. It's the least he deserves.

To me, it sounds like the only time the dickhead ever wavered was when he thought he could get his paws on more of her money. He knew she wasn't money focused, but HE always was. His and hers is what he wanted.

actually, he sounds like a complete pig. You pay for the holiday, but never allowed a window seat is a tiny example, but speaks volumes.

@Everythingwillbeokk

Someone upthread mentioned the possibility of an OW. I really don't think so. His 'golden goddess' is money and securing HIS finances. So unless he's found some rich babe who is showering him with coin, he's going to operate under the premise that the bird in the hand (you) is worth holding on to. He's 'sure' of you and thinks he has you under his thumb (more fool him!), I really don't think he's going to go looking and risk spoiling that.

If he's acting like all is back to 'his idea of normal', good. Carry on quietly getting your ducks in a row.

As far as 'primping yourself up', do it but only for yourself. Don't do it to make him jealous or to 'see what he's missing'. That's just another way of wanting to see how much he cares which shows how much you still care. You need to be aiming for indifference. That's where you don't care if or how much he cares. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. So strive for indifference.

My post was in response to another poster (quoted) who said that PC Plod had given OP a life-interest in the house when in fact he hasn't done any such thing. I wasn't getting into the matter of whether he should or shouldn't let some unrelated woman sit in his house and pay his mortgage so his kids could inherit even more equity than they would if a sale were forced as a result of his death.

And so it begins…… I think he is starting to panic. I’ve had a message from him, he’s reluctantly agreeing for me to leave, but wants to talk because he’s stressed at work and this isn’t helping him.

I know - my heart bleeds too…..

On a further note ladies - the house is still available!! I’m going viewing later this week. Small steps.

he’s reluctantly agreeing for me to leave

He doesn't have a choice, does he.

@Everythingwillbeokk you're handling this in the most admirable way with magnificent style. It's tough and upsetting but I do believe that everything will be ok for you, soon.

There have been a few unpleasant contributors on this thread, I can't imagine what inspires their bile, jealousy usually. Ignore them and continue to make plans for living your best life, without him of course.

People talking about the "lifetime interest" in the house need to make the distinction between what the OP's ex partner has told her is in his will, WHICH HE HAS NOT SHOWN HER, and what is actually in his will (if, indeed, he has made a will), and acknowledge that he could change the will at any time without informing the OP about it. I would also query why on earth he doesn't have life insurance in place to cover the mortgage for his children in the event of his death, and is effectively expecting the OP to provide it for them.

I'm keeping everything crossed that you get this house! 🤞🤞🤞