Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
desparateidiot · 01/10/2024 10:18

you are paying into a mortgage that your children are not going to see a penny of, just his - this is not fair, and if it's his house and he died, then will his children let you still live in it or will they want you out straight away. You need to seek legal advise and set something in place or you are essentially providing for his children and not your own

Soundslikemystory · 01/10/2024 10:37

Kendodd · 29/09/2024 13:15

He's told you were you stand. You can't complain that he's strung you along or anything, he's been completely clear. I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum, I'd just get your ducks in a row and leave.

totally agree with this

get yourself sorted and move on. You’ve wasted more than enough time with someone that has different values to you.
Look for exactly what you want.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 10:58

Owly11 · 01/10/2024 09:52

So you have a lifetime interest in his property. That's quite a big difference from what you initially said, and demonstrates that you misunderstood the situation. Will you update your view of him in light of that? In my view he is being pretty generous. I am not sure why you think he should give you his money, especially as you are keen to let us know that you have more money than him. He has children and they should inherit. He is not leaving you high and dry if he dies, he is making sure you are looked after for life. All he is ensuring is that when you die his kids get his money, which is what any sensible father would do. Keeping finances separate is a completely reasonable path to take when both parties have kids from before the relationship.

How is he generous?

Generous in letting the op contribute to his mortgage (that he cant afford without her)?

In letting her live there and do most of his domestic tasks?

The only person giving anyone any money, is the op to him.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 11:02

The crazy/frustrating thing OP, is that there are so many ways he could have agreed to a fairer arrangement, where everyone is a winner.

For example ring fencing deposits etc as you suggested.

Either he's a bit stupid, or he thinks you are. And it's him and his children who've lost out.

Good luck with the rental.

Eddielizzard · 01/10/2024 11:08

He absolutely deserves everything he's got coming to him.

Sorry if I've missed this, but do his DC live with you? In which case it will be an awful shock for them.

lololulu · 01/10/2024 11:26

Why do people keep saying she's paying his mortgage?

She's contributing but she's living there too.

BIossomtoes · 01/10/2024 11:31

lololulu · 01/10/2024 11:26

Why do people keep saying she's paying his mortgage?

She's contributing but she's living there too.

Because she is. She’s also providing him with a free car and holidays.

Tellysavelas · 01/10/2024 11:34

lololulu · 01/10/2024 11:26

Why do people keep saying she's paying his mortgage?

She's contributing but she's living there too.

Because he’s expecting her to keep paying half the mortgage (as well as his holidays, shared car and treats for his dc) for the next 20 years or whatever and yet not have any share in the house.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/10/2024 11:44

He sounds a bit stupid tbh
Glad you're getting rid

Abitofalark · 01/10/2024 11:53

What does he do with his money that he has no savings, considering that you pay the larger share of mortgage, cook, clean, shop, manage the household, provide car and holidays and look after the children and he has a steady job with reliable income that with perks and overtime or shift work allowances, must be fairly decent?

Pimlicopolly · 01/10/2024 11:56

Glad you are deciding to leave . It’s brave step and scary but ultimately worth it . You look after yourself and next time you meet a man set your expectation out at the get go so you don’t have your time wasted There are plenty of men out there who do want marriage and commitment

Fraaahnces · 01/10/2024 12:09

You are all kinds of fabulous! May I recommend also getting a mani-pedi and buy yourself a new outfit just to give him the opportunity to tell you you’re wasting money? I do hope you’re just cooking for the kids and yourself now and all laundry a-la Plod has ceased…

Tae1 · 01/10/2024 12:23

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/10/2024 09:42

Good luck with the house OP!
As for him and his finances, well, I find it very strange that he put you under so much pressure while he is living in a house he can’t afford with no savings. So all the stuff about providing for his kids? He’s going to have to step up now.
We are all hoping that house is yours.
And well done on doing your tan what a woman ✔️✔️✔️

Just another nasty little prick that thought he had a woman on the back foot and could treat her like an appliance.

He's really dim actually. Just that, dim.

OP sounds awesome.
There is nothing as satisfying as taking control and taking the wind out of the sails of a presumptuous man.

blueshoes · 01/10/2024 12:24

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 11:02

The crazy/frustrating thing OP, is that there are so many ways he could have agreed to a fairer arrangement, where everyone is a winner.

For example ring fencing deposits etc as you suggested.

Either he's a bit stupid, or he thinks you are. And it's him and his children who've lost out.

Good luck with the rental.

Yes, he is that stupid.

I suspect he let his misogynistic rage at OP not being willing to engage in financial self-harm to her/dcs' detriment and to his/his dc' advantage get the better of him. Imagine a woman actually being able to think logically, having proper boundaries to remove her counterintuitive financial support and escape his clutches without begging him to change his mind.

More fool him. Lucky escape for OP.

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2024 12:25

Just a side note for the hard of reading: the man is in a potentially dangerous line of work. He could die at any time. (Hopefully not). He has made no arrangement fir his live in partner and her children other than allowing her to continue paying for the mortgage (the whole cost of the mortgage) so that his children can inherit the house. As she will not be his wife and inherit, or have any tie to the children, why would she not leave and pay her money towards her own property at that point? Why would any woman hang around in this fake widowed position?

Everyone complimenting him on how sensible he is not marrying the OP and how sensible his supposed “life interest” plan for the OP has failed to realize that marriage offered him protection that OP would stick around and share the burden and care for his children in the event he was injured or died. Now he gets nothing.

But, OP, don’t play games with him or try to make him regret your going. The british police have an absolutely horrendous reputation for domestic violence and misogyny . Just get out fast.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 12:48

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2024 00:08

Not entering into a relationship when you already know you're not compatible is a great way to avoid a breakdown, as well.

Show quote history

Practically Perfect In Every Way...

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 12:55

Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 09:25

Kids at school, im in the house alone. Having a coffee, got a few work tasks to do and the estate agents opens at 9.30am.

My hair is washed, Ive false tanned, and I’ll make myself look more polished by the time he is home. I’ve also for the last couple of weeks been on a diet (for me as I actually couldn’t do my jeans up!) and I’ve lost just over half a stone now. I know I’m looking really good. I know the better he thinks I’m doing, the more it is going to hurt him. I might even join the gym I’ve been threatening to go to - wind him up well in advance. I’m remaining my usual self with the kids, I gave him a cheery goodbye and have a nice day when he was leaving for work this morning. I think he thinks I’m just going to stay now and be a mug…..

Im actually now more determined than ever that by the time I leave, suddenly and without warning that he will be heartbroken and utterly shit his pants. He’s mentally abused me with his actions - 2 can play at that game.

Careful with the winding up

You don't want him to turn nastier than he already is

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 12:57

Abitofalark · 01/10/2024 11:53

What does he do with his money that he has no savings, considering that you pay the larger share of mortgage, cook, clean, shop, manage the household, provide car and holidays and look after the children and he has a steady job with reliable income that with perks and overtime or shift work allowances, must be fairly decent?

This is a really good question!

Could be paying a lot of child maintenance or a habit of some sort??

coldcallerbaiter · 01/10/2024 13:12

Who has defined this as her paying half the mortgage? She lives in his house he owns it. She cannot live there for free, so it is rent. Same rent she will now pay a landlord.

I have been on threads where the woman owns the house and I agree with all those comments about not letting a man get half of or a share of the house that she has paid eg. 10 years on or owns outright. Also, not to get married if you have assets.

In theory this man the OPs bf can get a lodger or 2 even and pay for his house that way.

The only thing I agree with is that OP pays too much. She should pay her share if the bills and a lodger room rate only, as that is all she is getting. The fact she has no house if her own, isn’t her bf problem.

OP has no house, not much savings either, she wouldn’t be a good bet to marry this far in to his life. They are not starting off together on a house purchase and having dc together - sorry it is the same whichever gender the op is.

OP can save for herself whilst living with him or renting elsewhere, the only difference is the amounts paid as one might be cheaper.

diddl · 01/10/2024 13:19

I also wouldn't bother playing games Op.

You've decided to go & that's it.

If he's heartbroken it won't be for you but what you contribute.

He has already shown that he doesn't care.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2024 13:23

coldcallerbaiter · 01/10/2024 13:12

Who has defined this as her paying half the mortgage? She lives in his house he owns it. She cannot live there for free, so it is rent. Same rent she will now pay a landlord.

I have been on threads where the woman owns the house and I agree with all those comments about not letting a man get half of or a share of the house that she has paid eg. 10 years on or owns outright. Also, not to get married if you have assets.

In theory this man the OPs bf can get a lodger or 2 even and pay for his house that way.

The only thing I agree with is that OP pays too much. She should pay her share if the bills and a lodger room rate only, as that is all she is getting. The fact she has no house if her own, isn’t her bf problem.

OP has no house, not much savings either, she wouldn’t be a good bet to marry this far in to his life. They are not starting off together on a house purchase and having dc together - sorry it is the same whichever gender the op is.

OP can save for herself whilst living with him or renting elsewhere, the only difference is the amounts paid as one might be cheaper.

Edited

Op is only renting until she finds somewhere to buy.

Where did you get the idea she doesn't have much savings?

I’m in a really good financial position, good credit rating, savings

It's starting to look like her strong financial position is one of the things he found attractive. Anyway, it is his problem now, because he can't afford it on his own!

coldcallerbaiter · 01/10/2024 13:24

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2024 12:25

Just a side note for the hard of reading: the man is in a potentially dangerous line of work. He could die at any time. (Hopefully not). He has made no arrangement fir his live in partner and her children other than allowing her to continue paying for the mortgage (the whole cost of the mortgage) so that his children can inherit the house. As she will not be his wife and inherit, or have any tie to the children, why would she not leave and pay her money towards her own property at that point? Why would any woman hang around in this fake widowed position?

Everyone complimenting him on how sensible he is not marrying the OP and how sensible his supposed “life interest” plan for the OP has failed to realize that marriage offered him protection that OP would stick around and share the burden and care for his children in the event he was injured or died. Now he gets nothing.

But, OP, don’t play games with him or try to make him regret your going. The british police have an absolutely horrendous reputation for domestic violence and misogyny . Just get out fast.

Edited

Where is his dc mother? Would op look after his dc if he died and they were married? OP is not a good bet to marry, not in the assets sense, op and her dc would get at least half of everything if he dies or divorces. If married he and his dc would get half of what she has I suppose, except she doesn’t have a house, so that’s half of diddly squat. Both genders I would say the same.

blueshoes · 01/10/2024 13:27

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2024 12:55

Careful with the winding up

You don't want him to turn nastier than he already is

Show quote history

I think OP is right to keep it light and normal until she can instantly fly the coop with her possessions and dcs. I suspect there will be some denial on his part and of course misogyny will cloud his ability to attribute agency and independence to a woman.

Yeah, there is no need to talk about the new gym. OP, if you are packing away valuables etc ahead of the move (which is a sensible thing), keep it on the low.

Also, I am afraid that as a police officer, he will have knowledge of and access to surveillance devices. Watch out for hidden cameras, air tags, Alexa. If possible, can you do any phone calls outside the home on a different phone? I am being paranoid but another reason to get out of the house asap.

blueshoes · 01/10/2024 13:32

coldcallerbaiter · 01/10/2024 13:24

Where is his dc mother? Would op look after his dc if he died and they were married? OP is not a good bet to marry, not in the assets sense, op and her dc would get at least half of everything if he dies or divorces. If married he and his dc would get half of what she has I suppose, except she doesn’t have a house, so that’s half of diddly squat. Both genders I would say the same.

Edited
Show quote history

OP has a big inheritance coming. She has better earning power (and I dare say longer earning ramp since he is likely to have to retire or die earlier as a police officer). The division of assets upon a divorce is not the same as that passing under a will. It is not automatically 50-50 of everything.

Marriage on balance benefits him and not her.

Shoemadlady · 01/10/2024 13:36

Always go with your gut instinct! I really hope the house you've seen works out. Rooting for you so much this end. Keep your chin up, you're doing amazing x