Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Morning. In a nutshell, what I take from this thread is that regardless of property, who pays for what, or marriage, this man doesn’t and won’t ever think of you as his life partner.

You and your children are his lodgers without any rights, but you bring financial, domestic and romantic benefits that he could tire of at any time and kick you out.

Obviously this stings and you’ll get upset, of course you will, but you sound strong and intelligent and funny and everything will turn out for the best. Thank goodness you’ve had the wake-up call and can sort yourself out.

Really hope this house works out. If not something else will. Keep posting for support.

Morning! Have just read your whole thread and wanted to say good luck for the house today - I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you 🤞 xx

Good luck with the house

Really hope this is the right house for you and that you can move there as soon as possible with as little hassle as possible. Good luck.

Just keep remembering things about his selfishness OP, to help you through.

Do whatever it takes to view the house - they can go quickly in this market and this one sounds like it could be fab for you. Good luck!

He sounds like a real catch.

Oh OP, he really was just using you and tolerating your children.
It is hard to read.
Clear that house of everything that is yours.
I so hope that you get the house.

Better for women to be alone than to end up with total users like this any day.
Good luck.

What a wanker. Good luck for today 🤞

He sounds more and more selfish with every post you write. I know you are heartbroken but I suspect what you are grieving is the idea of him and the future you wanted. I don’t think he is generous enough in spirit to be a meaningful true partner to you.

Onwards and upwards. You deserve to be happy, financially stable and nobody’s maid.

I wish you the best of luck with the house and hope in time you can buy the secure home you and your children deserve.

PC Plod has had his head turned and is thinking with his nob not his micro brain. Stay strong @Everythingwillbeokk

Do you mean by someone else? Do you think? I hadn’t considered this as an angle

This x1000.

That window-seat example shows what an utterly selfish, useless tool he is.

Really hoping you get that rental. You and your kids will have a much better life going forward.

That came out of nowhere! It's perfectly possible, by the sound of it, that the OP's ex is a misogynistic, unintelligent, selfish man, who truly believes he is God's gift to the OP and her family.

OP, please get your valuables, paperwork out of that house asap. Taking a day off work if necessary when he isn't around.
You will feel better when they are beyond his reach.
Can friends take boxes, or colleagues?
Put the word out.
Take any receipts for goods you bought too.
He is not your friend.
Treat him as hostile.
So hope you get the house.🤞

Kids at school, im in the house alone. Having a coffee, got a few work tasks to do and the estate agents opens at 9.30am.

My hair is washed, Ive false tanned, and I’ll make myself look more polished by the time he is home. I’ve also for the last couple of weeks been on a diet (for me as I actually couldn’t do my jeans up!) and I’ve lost just over half a stone now. I know I’m looking really good. I know the better he thinks I’m doing, the more it is going to hurt him. I might even join the gym I’ve been threatening to go to - wind him up well in advance. I’m remaining my usual self with the kids, I gave him a cheery goodbye and have a nice day when he was leaving for work this morning. I think he thinks I’m just going to stay now and be a mug…..

Im actually now more determined than ever that by the time I leave, suddenly and without warning that he will be heartbroken and utterly shit his pants. He’s mentally abused me with his actions - 2 can play at that game.

Good luck about the rental OP. I hope you get it

Sounds like you’re handling it tremendously well OP. Well done on losing that half a stone that’s a great achievement. Kill him with kindness and then when you’re ready you can break away from him in your financially secured life looking absolutely fabulous and leave him where all self centred, arrogant dickheads like him deserve to be - struggling to pay his mortgage and living like a slob. He could have had a wonderful life with a wonderful partner for the rest of his days but his greed and selfish nature has lost it for him but you always deserved so much better and sometimes this is the universe telling us we need to make that leap forward to get the things that match with our worth. It’s obviously very emotionally taxing for you at present but you are allowed to feel more than just a little bit smug. You will come out on top and be winning at life in the long run - you just have to hold onto that thought and allow it to guide you through these tough times.

Good luck with the house OP!
As for him and his finances, well, I find it very strange that he put you under so much pressure while he is living in a house he can’t afford with no savings. So all the stuff about providing for his kids? He’s going to have to step up now.
We are all hoping that house is yours.
And well done on doing your tan what a woman ✔️✔️✔️

Honestly don't even bother playing games, don't lower yourself. Go to the gym for yourself, not for an awful man who probably won't care anyway. Same with planning to leave, if he doesn't react heartbroken as you want him to you'll be upset by it. You're better than that.

Good luck with the new home OP 💐 it sounds like your life is already moving on in a good way!

This relationship sounds like it hadn’t been working for a while and so it’s a good thing he didn’t want to marry you (even if it may not feel like it right now).

Its great that he puts his kids first but there’s a way to do that without making other people like shit.

I feel sorry for your kids in this, as they seem to be the bottom of the pile in everything.
He puts himself and kids before you and your kids and you put him before your kids.
It will be nice for them to have their own home.

Yes, sadly I do mean by someone else.

So you have a lifetime interest in his property. That's quite a big difference from what you initially said, and demonstrates that you misunderstood the situation. Will you update your view of him in light of that? In my view he is being pretty generous. I am not sure why you think he should give you his money, especially as you are keen to let us know that you have more money than him. He has children and they should inherit. He is not leaving you high and dry if he dies, he is making sure you are looked after for life. All he is ensuring is that when you die his kids get his money, which is what any sensible father would do. Keeping finances separate is a completely reasonable path to take when both parties have kids from before the relationship.

A lifetime interest or deed of trust is put in a will and can be changed at any time. He could do it without her knowing and she could end up elderly and homeless.

She doesn’t have a lifetime interest, this is a carrot he’s throwing at her.

He might live for another 20 years and OP would have paid half the mortgage by then and still be entitled to nothing.

And as Historian says, he can withdraw it any time. It offers OP zero security.

She is better off leaving the twat and buying her own place.

Will you update your view of him in light of that?

You and others seem really invested in OP paying off this man’s mortgage..